August 21st Edition

Bradley Manning gets 35 years. Manning, of giving stuff to WikiLeaks fame, is getting credit for the three years he has already spent in jail. In about eight years he'll be eligible for parole. He'll be out then. The 35 years thing was just a Military prank.

Barack Obama endorses Cory Booker for New Jersey Senator with a fist bump.

Nickelodeon star, Lucas Cruikshank, shocks nobody by coming out as gay, many shocked by learning of his existence. Cruikshank is better known as his character Fred Figglehorn. If you don't know who that is, consider yourself lucky. People that do know who he is are confused as to why he had to announce he was gay. Everybody already knew.

Dr. Phil has second thoughts about sleeping with drunk girl, asks his Twitter followers for advice. Dr. Phil was hanging out at the bar the other night when he spotted a hottie. The bartender says he heard Dr. Phil saying, "I'm going to bed that chick." After noticing that the woman was extremely intoxicated, Dr. Phil had second thoughts. Still wanting to have relations with the woman, he sent out a a tweet to ask his followers what he should do. "If a girl is drunk, is it OK to have sex with her? Reply yes or no to @drphil." The tweet caused quite a bit of outrage and the consensus seemed to be no. Despite that, Dr. Phil banged the woman anyways.

Some of these counties aren't even in Northern Colorado

Counties in Colorado want out. They say the rest of the state doesn't understand their needs. They want to secede from Colorado and become North Colorado. If the secession is successful, North Colorado would immediately become the worst start in America. Denver is the only city that matters in Colorado and North Colorado would be stuck with nothing.

Naked, one legged man dies doing what he loves. The man was seen throwing bricks, cinder blocks and other objects through neighbor's windows before being found bloody and delirious on a lawn. His housekeeper also claims he banged her head against the wall and gouged her eyes earlier in the day. Now he's dead.

Cows being stolen in Texas, old guy tells long, boring and rambling story about it. Larry Schatte is the old guy. Here is his story. “Probably about a year ago. This one guy, he’d usually bring in some cattle for his mom. On a recent auction day that the man would always bring in the same kind of cow, a specific type of cross breed. And this one particular time he came in with a couple of long horns, and I thought it was kind of an odd deal.” Not only were the cows odd, they were stolen. I can't figure out if this old guy is the idiot or if the guy who wrote the article is the worst newspaper writer in history.

Former Pope says God told him to quit, God says he misheard him. Pope Benedict, who was the first pope to not die on the job, is claiming he had a "mystical experience" where God told him to "quit being pope." When asked, God claims it was all a misunderstanding. God confirmed the mystical experience, but says Benedict misheard him. "Why would I want him to quit being pope?" Said God. "He was one of the best. I was worried about his health. I told him to quit buying pop. Not to quit being pope."

That's it. That's The News.

Sunday Edition

Journalists are angering Egyptian Government, come under attack. The government is complaining that their coverage is bias. One journalist has already been hit in the head with a really long stick. This journalist says, 'bring it on, bitches."

Ice swan

Chris Christie reportedly doesn't want Rand Paul at his party. When asked why, Christie said, "Oh, we don't have room." Paul responded with, "The party is big enough for both of us." Party goers say Christie was correct in saying the party didn't have room. One man describes the scene. "The invitations said the party starts at 8pm," says party participant Charles Smith. "Most everyone was there a little before 8. Some trickled in 5 to 10 minutes late, but by 8:15, there was literally no more room. No one else could fit in there. It wasn't that Christie didn't want certain people in. The room was just too packed. So when Rand Paul strolled up at 9:02, like some kind of big shot, he just wouldn't have physically fit inside that room. It was nothing against the man personally. If he had shown up on time, Christie would have welcomed him with open arms. Had the ice sculpture swan been taken out, there might have been enough room for Rand, but that swam was cool. It was all anybody talked about. There is no way it was being taken out."

New Jersey Governor Chris Christie vetoes .50 caliber rifle ban, would "only interfere with lawful recreational pastimes." Christie says he vetoed the ban because a .50 caliber rifle has never been used criminally in the state of New Jersey. The ban "will not further public safety," says Christie. Christie pointed to the fact that every single weapon people used in crimes is already in use by criminals to support his veto. Criminals will never bring a new weapon into their arsenal, he claimed. Criminals in New Jersey signed a 'no new weapons' treaty in 2007. The treaty states that if a weapon hadn't been used for criminal activity prior to 2007, criminals could not adopt such a weapon for future crimes.

Fearing he'll never have another hit song again, Robin Thicke sues Marvin Gaye's family, vows to ride 'Blurred Lines' gravy train out to the end and not let the Gaye's derail it. All Gaye's family did was state that 'Blurred Lines' sounds similar to Marvin's song 'Got To Give It Up.' Thicke feels that his song is under attack and has decided to sue the Gaye family. The only thing Thicke is looking for from this lawsuit is for the Gaye family to say the two songs don't sound similar, which they do. He also wants to make sure the family can't come after him for copyright infringement. Something the Gaye family hasn't done yet and is not planning on doing. As of now, they have just stated the songs sound similar and Thicke freaked the fuck out. We'll have more as this develops.

This map can't be real

Map reveals that New York City's wealth is not distributed evenly across the city as previously thought. Conventional wisdom has said that everyone in New York City has roughly the same amount of money. Nickolay Lamm has turned that conventional wisdom upside down with his new map of the city. In his map, Lamm shows how high buildings would be if they represented how much money the people who live in that area make. The maps results are very shocking. It turns out that some New Yorkers just aren't as rich as others.

Racy Commercial

Woman takes picture of her TV screen, writes blog. "The GMA segment went to commercial," the woman wrote. "And then, wham. Confusion. Disbelief. Did that just flash on my TV screen? In front of 8-year-old Andy?!" I cannot ever be okay with naked people having sex in the middle of ‘Good Morning America.’" The woman went on to say she is ok with clothed people having sex during 'Good Morning America,' or naked people having sex when 'Good Morning America' is over. She is also very concerned about Andy, despite not having any kids named Andy. Her kids are Rebecca and Dale.

Newark Mayor Cory Booker isn't black enough. Or something like the. It was hard to read. Apparently, the way he says 'B' has something to do with how black he is. 

British police don't like Kate Middleton, start looking into whether or not Diana is really dead. Not liking how Middleton does things, police are looking further into Diana's 1997 death in hopes that it was an elaborate hoax. "We need a princess that knows what she is doing," said one officer under anonymity. "Kate is just stupid. Diana was great."

Germany to offer new gender option. The days of only selecting Male or Female on your birth certificate are over. Parents in Germany can now select 'blank' while filling out a birth certificate. The move was made because many parents were taking too long to select a gender when filling out their new child's birth certificate. German Doctor Charles Smith weighed in. "Some of these people were just wasting hospital resources. They were taking too long to fill out these birth certificates. They would be in the hospital room longer than necessary and be served meals during that time. One couple stared at that birth certificate for two days before finally selecting female. That was after we showed them the child's penis several times."

Dog that was mistaken for African Lion

Zoo in China discovers their African Lion is really just a dog. The zoo discovered their mistake when the "lion" started barking. This isn't the first time the Chinese zoo has made this mistake. What they thought were snakes, were really just rodents. They've mistaken a white fox for a leopard. And at one time, thought a common dog was a wolf. “The zoo is absolutely cheating us,” said one zoo visitor. “They are trying to disguise the dogs as lions.” Zoo officials claim they aren't trying to cheat anyone. They just got confused and made a mistake.

That's It. That's the news.