August 26th Edition

United Nations vehicle severely injured by sniper-shot in Syria. The "sniper" has been fired for only being able to hit the vehicle. The UN vehicle is still in the shop. It's not known if the Toyota 4Runner will ever be able to drive again. Charles Smith, the vehicle's normal driver, says he is very sad. "I've come to terms with the fact that he'll probably never be used again for official UN business," says Smith, "but it's still hard. I just hope that one day, he'll be able to drive again and not be stuck in a wheelchair for the rest of it's life." Charles Smith meant to say tow-truck.

Former pretty good basketball player is missing, probably on drugs after finding out he didn't marry the good Kardashian. Family of the former Los Angeles Clippers, Miami Heat, Los Angles Laker and Dallas Mavericks player, Lamar Odom, say he finally realized he is married to Khloe Kardashian and not Kim Kardashian. According to his family, no one has contacted him for 72 hours and he is probably on a drug binge fueled by his depression of realizing he married the 'wrong one.' Odom had believed he'd been married to Kim for nearly four years before finding out he married Khloe.

Liz Cheney gets Wyoming in the news with her incendiary comment, rest of state nods in agreement. Cheney was in Wyoming campaigning for Senate when asked about terrorists. “I do think that we know that recruitment goes on through mosques," answered Cheney. Everyone at the rally nodded their head in agreement and uttered under their breath, "yeah, that sounds about right." Despite not hearing what Cheney had said, everyone else in the state nodded their head at that exact moment.

Group of black people wait two hours to get wings, get table, white guy feels threatened. According to Michael Brown, he and 24 of his friends and family waited "patiently" for 2 hours just to get a seat at Wild Wing Cafe. The large group was gathered to see off one of their friends who was moving out of town. When the large group was seated, a white patron of the cafe told his waiter that he felt "threatened." The white gentleman had been seen eating exorbitant amounts of wings earlier in the night. He reportedly felt threatened because the large group of people would probably slow down service to his table. A manager approached the large group to tell them of their threatening ways. A video camera was pulled out and the large group of people were removed from the restaurant for some reason. They reportedly took their party to the Sizzler across the street. 

Did the peanut butter dog thing

Journalist tries to make it sound like preschool teacher took sexually explicit pictures of her students, was just her own kids and dog. Connie Ramirez, a preschool teacher in Ohio, has been charged with rape, gross sexual imposition, pandering obscenity involving a minor, and possession of criminal tools after investigators found sexually explicit images of her two children and dog. None of the pictures involve her two children and dog. She kept the dog sex stuff separate from the kid sex stuff. The preschool says she was never alone with any of the children while working there. There is no evidence, as of yet, that any of the children at the preschool are involved. This journalist just prints the facts. I don't try to make the lady sound like some kind of monster like David Lohr tried to make her sound.

Guns don't kill people, people in China with knives do. A man killed four and wounded 11 in a bus stabbing attack. The man is now the most successful knife stabber in China in recent months. The man barely bested last week's bus attack where a man killed three and wounded 12. Buses aren't the only dangerous place in China either. Last month a man killed two and injured four at the office when he was accused of violating China's one-child policy. 

Lady claims "stuttering has no ill effect on preschoolers." She says she did a study on it and found that stuttering had no effect on their social, language, or emotional development skills. She admittedly didn't add the part where they are ridiculed mercilessly by their peers into her study.

Marty and The News: August 8th Edition

Sean Hannity bumped for hot chick. Rumor has it, Megyn Kelly will be moving from her daytime spot to Hannity's primetime spot. No word yet on what will happen with Hannity's show. Most TV pundits say the move is being made because Kelly is hotter than Hannity. It's reminiscent of Alan Colmes being asked to leave the show he used to be on with Hannity because he is 'off-putting.' When asked if he had heard the rumor, Hannity said, "Who? That bitch that can't spell Megyn?"

Cory Monteith was hanging out with sober friends when he died. The Glee star was loaded with a combination of alcohol and heroin when he died, but the three friends he was with were completely sober. The three friends he was with that night are described as 'positive influences' in his life. Had those positive influences not been around, Monteith likely would have taken more drugs that night. Luckily, his 'good' friends were around to tell him that he'd had enough. He died 20 minutes later.

Bowser once danced as a ManiAAC.

Man suspected of killing four is former Dallas Mavericks ManiAACs dancer, also has last name of Mario Brothers villain. Erbie Bowser is suspected of killing four people, at two different locations. Family of Bowser say he was looking for his girlfriend at both locations. He didn't find her, so he shot people instead. Along with four people being killed, four were injured. Those numbers are consistent with the man's namesake from Mario Brothers. Bowser only kills about 50% of the time and leaves people injured the other 50%. Law experts say his last name could hurt him if this goes to trial. "People already associate Bowser with evil," says lawyer Charles Smith. "The defense team is going to have a hard time with that." There are no winners in a case like this, but that didn't stop Dallas Mavericks owner Mark Cuban from saying there is. "No one knew the ManiAACs even existed before this," said Cuban. "This is great."

Man 'probably will' be dumped after killing girlfriend's son. Peter Hendy is accused of killing 4-year-old Kamari Zavon Taylor. Hendy reportedly disciplined Taylor for riding his scooter too far away from the house by punching him in the stomach several times. The boy's liver was lacerated from the punches and led to his death. Hendy left the house to sell marijuana and came back to find the boy dead. The boy's mom, and Hendy's girlfriend, was at work at the time of the incident. The boy's grandma, Azlea Taylor, says she hopes her daughter will dump Hendy this time. Azlea has wanted her daughther to dump Hendy for some time. She doesn't know for sure that she will this time, but says 'she probably will.'

Florida police use Taser to shoot and kill 18-year-old. Israel Hernandez-Llach was spray painting an abandoned fast-food joint when police spotted him. No word yet on which fast-food joint it used to be. It was probably a Subway. Subways are always going out of business. Police say Hernandez-Llach started running towards them, so an officer shot him in the chest with a Taser. He was pronounced dead at the hospital. Friends of Hernandez-Llach say he was from Columbia and liked art.

Youth baseball coach convicted of assault and sent to jail for 15 days for being a terrible pitcher. When parents of teenagers in Ellis County, Texas began to notice that their children were returning from baseball practice with several bruises, they grew suspicious. Some of the parents began spying on the practices. What they found was a terrible pitcher. Coach Ron Santos repeatedly hit his players with pitches. The pitches ranged in speeds of 60-80 MPH. After each bad pitch, Santos looked distraught. He was heard yelling at himself after hitting one player in the chest with a pitch."Come on Santos! Get it together! You're better than this shit!" Along with jail time, Santos must pay a fine, be under community supervision and produce a video on the dangers of being hit by a pitch. He is also not allowed to pitch to anyone for a full year. Which isn't going to make him a better pitcher.

Only two Wizard of Oz munchkins left. Margaret Pellegrini is the latest Munchkin to die. The original Wizard of Oz had 124 Munchkins. Jerry Maren and Ruth Duccini are the only two Munchkins left. Vegas has Duccini outliving Maren at 8-1 odds.



That's it. That's the news.