February 28th Edition

Fans of death penalty ask people to stop looking into cases of those that have already been executed. Those against the death penalty usually point to the fact that innocent people are being executed as a reason to stop it. Death penalty supporters say this is because people won't let the cases go. Especially after they have already been executed. "We'd never know if these people were guilty or innocent if people would just stop looking into these cases after they've already been sentenced," says death penalty fan Charles Smith. "We'd never have to feel guilty about killing an innocent man if people could just let it go. Instead they have to go and make us feel bad every time they find someone who was innocent. Which happens, at most, 20 percent of the time."

Lonely weird guy

Man complains about being in solitary confinement for over 15 years for a crime he didn't commit, doesn't realize life would have been just as lonely for him out of prison. At the age of 22, Damon Thibodeaux was convicted in 1997 of killing a 14-year-old girl. He was released in 2012 after it was discovered he didn't kill anyone. Now he's complaining about it. He complains a lot about how lonely he was. What he doesn't realize, because he didn't have a mirror in solitary, is that he is a goofy looking guy. Had he not gone to jail, he still would have spent his life alone. Only he wouldn't have had a legitimate reason to be alone like he did by being in jail. He would have just spent all of his time alone because nobody wanted to talk to him or be seen with him. Since being released from prison, Thibodeaux has spent the last two years all alone. He blames it on the solitary confinement he endured for 15 years. He thinks he doesn't have the social skills to interact with people because of the 15 years in solitary. Experts say the solitary confinement has nothing to do with it. He's just a weird looking guy that no one likes.

Bill O'Reilly says he doesn't like rap, but does enjoy Eminem and "other guys that look like him" on occasion. O'Reilly took to the airwaves to say we need to get rid of "these guys with the hats on backwards, and the terrible rap lyrics and the drugs and all of that." O'Reilly beat people to the punch by saying it has nothing to do with race or the music. He just doesn't like the lifestyle. He explained the he really likes listening to some rap. Eminem and "other guys that look like him" are his favorites. He just can't condone the "lifestyles" of people like Jay-Z and Kanye West.

Suicidal man's death blamed on his love for iPhone. Texas man Rex Benson was fed up with life and decided to end it all. He wanted to burn himself alive in his home. The last place he really loved. He thought it would be fitting if the two were to go out together. What Benson didn't realize, is that his daughter and son were both in the house when he started the fire. Benson helped his son and daughter escape the house. Benson couldn't bear the sight of his house burning down in front of him unless he was inside dying as well. Realizing he left his iPhone, Benson used it as an excuse to go back inside the house. Benson didn't even try to find his iPhone. He sat in his favorite chair and died. 

Looking towards the end?

Hillary Clinton dying? That's the word on the street. At first people just thought it was a really bad cold. It's now widely believed that she has a brain tumor. Now people are saying she is so sick, she may not run for President in 2016. 

Mom upset that 25-year-old daughter still poops in diapers, throws diaper at her face. Or something like that.

Family tries to kill their dad by pretending he's already dead. The Williams family was able to convince enough people that their dad died that he made it all the way to a funeral home in a body bag. Funeral home workers were preparing to embalm Walter Williams' dead body when he started kicking and screaming in the body bag. Williams was taken to the hospital, where nothing wrong with him was found. Williams told his family that he's happy to be alive, but he doesn't understand how this happened. In the kitchen, behind his back, family members placed blame on each other for him becoming conscious right before he was embalmed. 

Fashion faux paux

Substitute teacher arrested for wearing ugly ass vest while furiously masturbating in hallway. Michael Luecke made a big mistake when he decided to wear, what school officials are calling, an "ugly ass vest" to teach at Westhill High School. The high school is located in Stamford Connecticut. An area of the country that is know for it's snobby attitude towards fashion. Luecke was spotted wearing the vest in the hallway by another teacher. She also noticed that Luecke had his hand down his pants and was "moving it around" while looking at the students. She was so disgusted by Luecke's fashion choice, she went to tell school administrators about what was being worn in their school. School officials contacted police who arrested Luecke at the school. Police say they will not release the video of Luecke wearing the vest while masturbating, but they did release a picture and details of the video.

Surveillance video of the scene shows Luecke in a stairwell wearing an ugly ass vest suspiciously manipulating the front of his pants while looking at students in the courtyard. 

The sub then vanishes behind some lockers for a moment. Then, he reappears, lying on his back on the floor, focused on the task at hand and still wearing that hideous vest. At some point, the shocked teacher discovered him — but not before a half dozen students stroll by and see the man wearing the world's worst vest. 

Police say they are lucky the man was also masturbating while wearing the vest. Otherwise, they wouldn't have been able to arrest him. Police also say they wouldn't have arrested him if he weren't wearing the vest. They would have just politely asked him to stop masturbating, or at the very least, stop being so furious about it.  

That's it. That's the news. 

Marty and The News

Insert news here.

Teen girl is embarrassed at not being able to work her cell phone. A 13-year-old girl in Utah was asked by her boyfriend, Daniel Dean Divine, to send him nude pictures. Divine is 35-years-old and lives in Oregon. Having just gotten her iPhone, the girl wasn't quite sure how the camera worked. She asked her mom to take the nude pictures. Her mom quickly agreed to taking the nude pictures of her daughter. She then taught her daughter how to send a picture message. Everybody goes to jail.

In an attempt to show his gang fellow gang members that they don't need guns to efficiently kill people, a man sets four people on fire and fails to kill anyone. The gang member sprayed a flammable liquid on 4 individuals, before setting them ablaze in a Denver home. One person suffered severe burns, but is expected to make a full recovery. The other three had very minor injuries. It's believed the gang shot their fellow member in the face for his failure. 

Circus elephants in Russia try to drink themselves to death. Not wanting to live anymore, the elephants somehow get their hands on some vodka. It didn't work. Circus trainers actually say the vodka kept them alive. It got so cold that they say the elephants would have died without the vodka.

Google makes it harder to search for porn, men everywhere are bewildered that people are still using Google to find porn. If you try searching for 'boobs' on Google, none of the results will be porn. If you want porn, just add 'porn' to your search. "I haven't used Google to find porn in 10 years," says Charles Smith. "I just know where I'm going."

Man furious at wife for cooking frozen pizza wrong can't find his gun. What started out as a normal night of watching the '12-12-12' benefit concert, almost turned deadly over 'raw' crust. Richard Watson flung his plate to the ground while watching Kanye West. His wife thought it was because he hates Kanye, but he then he berated his wife for the crust not being cooked enough. Richard then left the room. "He was opening all kinds of drawers," says Debra. "He was yelling things like, 'where is it' and 'where did I put it." Debra doesn't quite know what happened next. She just remembers her face being pushed into the dog's water bowl. Debra was able to break free. Richard then tried to push her up against a wall and strangle her. Richard was unsuccessful. When police arrived, Richard asked if he could borrow one of their guns. When they said no, he asked them to help him find his. Richard was taken to jail. Debra suffered minor bruising.  

Penelope, a pig.

Embarrassed by family car, a pig takes it and wrecks it. Penelope is the 300 pound pet of the Thrasher family. She's also a potbellied pig. The family car is a Nissan Cube. Penelope is embarrassed to be seen it. Penelope took the car for a joy ride with the intention of wrecking it. Police found the wrecked vehicle and a sleeping Penelope in the backseat. The car appears to be totaled. 

Mom loves pig just as much as her 'human children'. "We have human kids," Wendy Thrasher says, "I love her (pig) every bit as much as the human ones. Same story as the last one. I just correctly separated it into two separate stories.  

Mitt Romney is costume.

Mitt Romney robs bank in Virginia while wearing a Mitt Romney mask. The same bank was robbed two years earlier by Hillary Clinton wearing a Hillary Clinton mask.  

That's it. That's the news.

Marty and The News

Due to the fact that news has decided to only happen on Monday, Wednesday and Friday, my reporting of the news has been cut back to the same hours.

News.

Apple set to release something that is bigger than the iPhone, both the new iPhone 5 and older ones, smaller than the the iPad 1 and 2 and the aptly named New iPad, at least until they release a new one and bigger than the iTouch. Nice job Apple. You made something a different size.

Where you are done using those bread crusts to clean your blinds, you can start using packing peanuts as air fresheners..

Contestant in controversial blackbody

It's generally agreed upon, that blackface is racist and should be frowned upon. No social such social norm exists for blackbody. The practice of blackbody has mostly been limited to the world of bodybuilding. But experts say that could be changing. "There could be an explosion of blackbody for Halloween this year," says black expert Charles Smith.

Is 7-year-old Alma Deutscher the next Mozart? Some experts say yes. Charles Smith says no. "She's good," says Smith. "It's impressive that she is composing and playing all this original music, but unless she also has a penis, she's no Mozart. Last I checked, Mozart had a penis." All experts agree that her last name being so close to 'douche' could also prevent here from achieving Mozart status. "Middle school is going to be brutal for her," says music prodigy guru Ted Weinstein. ."

Guy takes horrible video of a Porsche stuck in wet cement.

With the amount of people getting shot in the face lately, I'm going to be able to start a 'Who Got Shot in the Face Today' segment. Today's segment brings us an attempted pig slaughter, that ends with a man shooting his brother in the face. The man who was shot has died. Still no word on the pig. 

Kim Kardashian tries to look like the girl in the bee outfit in that Blind Melon video and admits failure.

Get used to this, say experts

Waffle House beat down (video) ruined by guy recording the action in portrait. Friends of the man are embarrassed and ashamed. When an argument broke out at the local waffle joint over the use of the word faggot, Jermaine Storwell knew he had to get it on video. Storwell's phone was low on battery though. "That's when I told my man Lamar to get this shit on his phone," says Storwell. "I thought he had that shit handled." Shortly after Lamar began recording, the angry Waffle House patrons attacked the man who had been brandishing the fag word so freely. "Soon as everything died down I wanted to see the video. I was like 'hell no, this shot in portrait you dumbass.' I can't even watch it."

Women breast feeding dogs becoming a trend, say experts. Arnold Letzman says he expects that by the year 2030, every women in America will have breast fed their dog at least once.

Home Depot employee won't stop bragging to coworkers that he knew the guy in aisle five was building a pipe bomb.

Woman claims to have given birth on Philadelphia subway. Fellow passengers say otherwise. "No she didn't," says passenger Rose Rosario. "She got on saying she needed money because she was nine months pregnant and had no food. She kind of looked pregnant, but her belly was kind of lumpy. No one really payed attention to her. Then she start complaining of pains and that her baby was coming. She started screaming and all this stuff. The next thing I knew, she got this like 4-year-old kid in her arms and she is saying how beautiful her new baby is and how she wished she had some money to get it some food."

That's it. That's the news.

Marty and The News

Busy weekend. Surprisingly, news took a week off. I wanted to bring you the news, but it was nowhere to be found. Now it's back. Here it is, the news.

Police mistake Jewish man for black man. Surveillance footage shows two officers beating a man who had been sleeping on a couch at a Jewish center. "I had no idea we were in a Jewish center," said officer Robinson. "I was under the impression the place was a homeless center. There was this man sleeping on the couch. Those couches are for sitting. We woke the man up and found that he wasn't wearing a shirt. I did some quick math in my head. Homeless center, plus man sleeping on sittin' couch, plus no shirt, equals black man. So of course I attacked. Next time I'll just have to be a little more careful."

The man in question was later found to be Bill Murray

Middle-aged, balding, portly, white man shows up unannounced to kick ball game. In what is being called a classic case of 'do as your told, not as I do,' a strange looking man showed up to a kick ball game at a local park earlier today. If this happens at a kids kick ball game, the kids are instructed to get an adult and contact authorities. If it's an adult kick ball game, just get pictures with the guy and ask questions later.

"I go prune," says Oprah Winfrey. Winfrey was referring to how long she spends in the bathtub, but she also inadvertently described her preference for having sex with much older men.

Susan Sarandon didn't Google 'Casting Couch' before going to audition. Sarandon was excited when she got the call to appear on 'Casting Couch'. Sarandon hasn't done anything since 1998. This was going to be her first audition since then. Sarandon was appalled at what she had to do when she appeared at the audition. Had she done a quick Google search of 'Casting Couch', she wouldn't have been so appalled. Sarandon ended up going through with the audition. "At first I was very taken aback at what I was asked to do," says Sarandon, who has done nothing since appearing in 'Stepmom' in 1998. "My career could use a kickstart though, so I reluctantly went through with it."

Community doesn't care that a high school history teacher locked one of his students in a cage.

Moments after Tweeting, "I'll be by this black gentleman for a while if you want to take pictures of me."

Kristen Stewart is afraid that one of her Twitter followers will murder her. Stewart says that her biggest fear in life is being murdered. She is positive that it will happen to her. She claims that the person who murders her will do so because they know where she is because of Twitter. Despite the fear, She refuses to stop telling the Twitter world where she is at all times. "My fans want to know where I am," said Stewart. "They like that kind of stuff." Moments latter Stewart Tweeted, "At Starbucks on 4th and 8th. Be here for a few hours if you want to say hi or murder me."

Red Bull tries to prove that 'Red Bull give you wings.' Man, instead, falls faster than anyone has ever fallen before.

No joke here. Just a hard hitting news story about how to dust blinds with bread crusts.

Millions of Americans mourn upon hearing news of the death of legendary musician B.B. No one bothered hearing the rest of the name. Assuming it was B.B. King who died. News stations around the country apologize for making it appear as if they were going to say B.B. King. It was not B.B. King who died. B.B. Cunningham Jr. died. He was in Jerry Lee Lewis's band or something.

I believe the small penis contest is still taking submissions if you want in. You could win an iPhone. Makes owning an iPhone a lot less cool now.

Embarrassing photo of Jesse, who didn't die. Although his face does look different now.

Teens concoct elaborate plan to shoot friend in the face. According to friends, Jesse Rainey was being 'a real dick lately.' That's when Jesse's friends made an elaborate plan that involved cutting the power to a house and having Jesse 'scare' some friends. Jesse thought the joke was on the friends he would be 'scaring.' The joke was really going to be on Jesse, who was to be shot in the face when he 'scared' his friends. Friend of Jesse, Mark Wright said of the prank, "everything played out as it was supposed to. We convinced Jesse that we were going to cut the power and then he'd jump out and 'scare' our other friends while they were trying to fix it. Jesse wasn't really scaring anyone though. They were in on it. There part of the prank was to shoot Jesse in the face with a shot gun. Everything went just as we planned. The only thing I'd do differently is not doing it at my house. The power at my house still isn't back on. It's been hours. The prank got even better when newspapers started using this picture of Jesse in front of a bunch of stuffed animals."

That's it. That's the news.