Marty and The News

Due to the fact that news has decided to only happen on Monday, Wednesday and Friday, my reporting of the news has been cut back to the same hours.

News.

Apple set to release something that is bigger than the iPhone, both the new iPhone 5 and older ones, smaller than the the iPad 1 and 2 and the aptly named New iPad, at least until they release a new one and bigger than the iTouch. Nice job Apple. You made something a different size.

Where you are done using those bread crusts to clean your blinds, you can start using packing peanuts as air fresheners..

Contestant in controversial blackbody

It's generally agreed upon, that blackface is racist and should be frowned upon. No social such social norm exists for blackbody. The practice of blackbody has mostly been limited to the world of bodybuilding. But experts say that could be changing. "There could be an explosion of blackbody for Halloween this year," says black expert Charles Smith.

Is 7-year-old Alma Deutscher the next Mozart? Some experts say yes. Charles Smith says no. "She's good," says Smith. "It's impressive that she is composing and playing all this original music, but unless she also has a penis, she's no Mozart. Last I checked, Mozart had a penis." All experts agree that her last name being so close to 'douche' could also prevent here from achieving Mozart status. "Middle school is going to be brutal for her," says music prodigy guru Ted Weinstein. ."

Guy takes horrible video of a Porsche stuck in wet cement.

With the amount of people getting shot in the face lately, I'm going to be able to start a 'Who Got Shot in the Face Today' segment. Today's segment brings us an attempted pig slaughter, that ends with a man shooting his brother in the face. The man who was shot has died. Still no word on the pig. 

Kim Kardashian tries to look like the girl in the bee outfit in that Blind Melon video and admits failure.

Get used to this, say experts

Waffle House beat down (video) ruined by guy recording the action in portrait. Friends of the man are embarrassed and ashamed. When an argument broke out at the local waffle joint over the use of the word faggot, Jermaine Storwell knew he had to get it on video. Storwell's phone was low on battery though. "That's when I told my man Lamar to get this shit on his phone," says Storwell. "I thought he had that shit handled." Shortly after Lamar began recording, the angry Waffle House patrons attacked the man who had been brandishing the fag word so freely. "Soon as everything died down I wanted to see the video. I was like 'hell no, this shot in portrait you dumbass.' I can't even watch it."

Women breast feeding dogs becoming a trend, say experts. Arnold Letzman says he expects that by the year 2030, every women in America will have breast fed their dog at least once.

Home Depot employee won't stop bragging to coworkers that he knew the guy in aisle five was building a pipe bomb.

Woman claims to have given birth on Philadelphia subway. Fellow passengers say otherwise. "No she didn't," says passenger Rose Rosario. "She got on saying she needed money because she was nine months pregnant and had no food. She kind of looked pregnant, but her belly was kind of lumpy. No one really payed attention to her. Then she start complaining of pains and that her baby was coming. She started screaming and all this stuff. The next thing I knew, she got this like 4-year-old kid in her arms and she is saying how beautiful her new baby is and how she wished she had some money to get it some food."

That's it. That's the news.