Marty and The News

Busy weekend. Surprisingly, news took a week off. I wanted to bring you the news, but it was nowhere to be found. Now it's back. Here it is, the news.

Police mistake Jewish man for black man. Surveillance footage shows two officers beating a man who had been sleeping on a couch at a Jewish center. "I had no idea we were in a Jewish center," said officer Robinson. "I was under the impression the place was a homeless center. There was this man sleeping on the couch. Those couches are for sitting. We woke the man up and found that he wasn't wearing a shirt. I did some quick math in my head. Homeless center, plus man sleeping on sittin' couch, plus no shirt, equals black man. So of course I attacked. Next time I'll just have to be a little more careful."

The man in question was later found to be Bill Murray

Middle-aged, balding, portly, white man shows up unannounced to kick ball game. In what is being called a classic case of 'do as your told, not as I do,' a strange looking man showed up to a kick ball game at a local park earlier today. If this happens at a kids kick ball game, the kids are instructed to get an adult and contact authorities. If it's an adult kick ball game, just get pictures with the guy and ask questions later.

"I go prune," says Oprah Winfrey. Winfrey was referring to how long she spends in the bathtub, but she also inadvertently described her preference for having sex with much older men.

Susan Sarandon didn't Google 'Casting Couch' before going to audition. Sarandon was excited when she got the call to appear on 'Casting Couch'. Sarandon hasn't done anything since 1998. This was going to be her first audition since then. Sarandon was appalled at what she had to do when she appeared at the audition. Had she done a quick Google search of 'Casting Couch', she wouldn't have been so appalled. Sarandon ended up going through with the audition. "At first I was very taken aback at what I was asked to do," says Sarandon, who has done nothing since appearing in 'Stepmom' in 1998. "My career could use a kickstart though, so I reluctantly went through with it."

Community doesn't care that a high school history teacher locked one of his students in a cage.

Moments after Tweeting, "I'll be by this black gentleman for a while if you want to take pictures of me."

Kristen Stewart is afraid that one of her Twitter followers will murder her. Stewart says that her biggest fear in life is being murdered. She is positive that it will happen to her. She claims that the person who murders her will do so because they know where she is because of Twitter. Despite the fear, She refuses to stop telling the Twitter world where she is at all times. "My fans want to know where I am," said Stewart. "They like that kind of stuff." Moments latter Stewart Tweeted, "At Starbucks on 4th and 8th. Be here for a few hours if you want to say hi or murder me."

Red Bull tries to prove that 'Red Bull give you wings.' Man, instead, falls faster than anyone has ever fallen before.

No joke here. Just a hard hitting news story about how to dust blinds with bread crusts.

Millions of Americans mourn upon hearing news of the death of legendary musician B.B. No one bothered hearing the rest of the name. Assuming it was B.B. King who died. News stations around the country apologize for making it appear as if they were going to say B.B. King. It was not B.B. King who died. B.B. Cunningham Jr. died. He was in Jerry Lee Lewis's band or something.

I believe the small penis contest is still taking submissions if you want in. You could win an iPhone. Makes owning an iPhone a lot less cool now.

Embarrassing photo of Jesse, who didn't die. Although his face does look different now.

Teens concoct elaborate plan to shoot friend in the face. According to friends, Jesse Rainey was being 'a real dick lately.' That's when Jesse's friends made an elaborate plan that involved cutting the power to a house and having Jesse 'scare' some friends. Jesse thought the joke was on the friends he would be 'scaring.' The joke was really going to be on Jesse, who was to be shot in the face when he 'scared' his friends. Friend of Jesse, Mark Wright said of the prank, "everything played out as it was supposed to. We convinced Jesse that we were going to cut the power and then he'd jump out and 'scare' our other friends while they were trying to fix it. Jesse wasn't really scaring anyone though. They were in on it. There part of the prank was to shoot Jesse in the face with a shot gun. Everything went just as we planned. The only thing I'd do differently is not doing it at my house. The power at my house still isn't back on. It's been hours. The prank got even better when newspapers started using this picture of Jesse in front of a bunch of stuffed animals."

That's it. That's the news.