February 14th Edtion

Despite several sexual assault accusations involving comedians, people still believe comics can get it any time they want from whomever they want. Everyone knows about the recent allegations that are being brought back up against Woody Allen. Everyone forgets about the allegations Bill Cosby faced in the '70s and 2004. If comedians of those caliber have to assault people to get their sex, now maybe people will stop thinking comedians get all the tail.

Russian skater withdraws from Olympics and retires, will be found dead soon. Evgeni Plushenko, 31, withdrew after he claims he hurt himself while trying to land a triple-axle. Plushenko is the only figure skater in the modern-era to win medals at four different Olympics. What years the modern-era of figure skating covers is not known. Plushenko was Russia's only chance to medal in men's figure skating. He was the only Russian in the event. Plushenko skated towards the judges after his name was announced, told them he was withdrawing and then apologized to the crowd. Most assume Plushenko will be found dead of "mysterious causes" by the end of the month.

Men in Congo trying to spread terror, succeeding. The group has confirmed that their only goal is to "spread terror." They have accomplished this by traveling about the Congo wielding machetes. So far, they have executed over 70 people. 

Topless babes

Cover models take off tops for 50th anniversary of Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue. See photo. 

Senators Ted Cruz (R-Texas) and Mike Lee (R-Utah) attempt to slow rumors of their gay relationship. Fearing that they are soon to be discovered, the two men devised a plan to trick people into thinking they aren't gay. Cruz introduced an Anti-Gay Marriage Bill to throw people off the gay scent. The only problem is that Lee is the only co-sponsor of the bill. Senators have long thought the two were in a relationship and most are saying that this is the proof they need. Senators who agree with the Bill in theory are afraid to sponsor it for fear they will be tied into the relationship. An anonymous Senator was quoted as saying, "I don't want people thinking I'm a part of some kind of gay orgy."

Heroic horse returns Amish family to their farm before dying. We'll call the horse Hero, but it's Amish tradition to not name their horses. Hero was pulling a buggy that seated a family of five. An unidentified vehicle passed the buggy and according to the Amish family, there was a loud bang as it passed. The vehicle is only unidentified because Amish people don't know anything about cars. Rather than inspect the "firecracker like sound" the family made Hero take them the rest of the way to their farm. Hero collapsed at the farm and died. A gun shot wound to Hero's chest was found. The man charged with shooting Hero has a really stupid haircut. 

Blackface is thriving in Germany. "Still not racist," say Germans. It's yet to be seen if this is like that time they said they don't hate Jewish people. 

Florida woman accidentally lights dog on fire, husband burned saving dog. Some stupid bitch was spraying her dog for fleas and ticks. When she noticed a tick walking across the floor, she tried to burn it with a lighter. Intrigued, the dog got too close to the flame and immediately turned into a giant fireball. The lady's husband scooped up the furry fireball and jumped in the pool with the dog in hand. The couple didn't have the money to take the dog to the vet right after the incident, but they somehow came up with the money the next morning. Despite burns, dog and man are fine. The woman is pretty sure she killed the tick. 

Woman runs around naked with baby in arms, punches things and gets blood everywhere because boyfriend didn't want to have sex. It's not known if she planned on having sex with her boyfriend while also holding the baby in her arms. I apologize for calling the last lady a stupid bitch. This lady is the bitch. 

Belgium gives terminally ill children the right to die. People who don't understand the meaning of terminally ill are outraged.  

WTF?

Snow in North Carolina cause drivers to freak the fu*k out. Lady takes photo of chaos, but pretends to only be taking picture of her friend talking on the phone.

Teen's parachute malfunctions, bravely admits she was scared. Makenzie Wethington, 16, says she doesn't remember much about her skydiving experience from 3,500 feet. What she does remember is that her parachute didn't work and that she was scared. What she forgot was that some dude was strapped to her back and his parachute opened just fine.  

That's it. That's the news. 

February 10th Edition

People's fears of Rancho Feeding Corp. are confirmed. "Everytime I see the package in the store, I laugh and just skip over it," says meat buyer Megan Carlisle. "The packaging and name 'Rancho' just makes the meat come across as meat that shouldn't be trifled with." Carlisle isn't the only one who has passed over the meat for the same reasons. Last year, stores that sold meat from Rancho Feeding Corp. lost millions of dollars when they had to throw all of meat out due to it expiring on the shelves. Last week, one person bought a package of Rancho meat and died. The autopsy confirmed that the man died from eating diseased meat. Rancho Feeding Corp. has since recalled 8.7 million pounds of beef. Rancho Feeding Corp. claims this was just one bad batch of meat and that last year's meat was fine. It's likely that Rancho Feeding Corp. will have to declare bankruptcy due to the recall and possible go out of business for good. If Rancho were to go out of business today, they would go down in history as the lowest selling meat brand of all time by having only sold a 4-pack of 1/4 pound hamburgers.

Jessica Simpson shows how far she has fallen by posting a picture of a chair on Instagram. Simpson, who has now become a spokesmodel for Weight Watchers, was back on set filming a new Weight Watchers commercial after losing the weight she gained from the birth of her second child. Simpson says she lost the weight by following the Weight Watchers plan. While on the set, a picture of Simpson looking sexy and fit was taken. She posted the picture on Instagram. What she didn't notice, was that her chair was in the foreground of the picture. Her name was written on masking tape, denoting that the chair was hers. Actual stars normally have their name embroidered onto their chairs. Something Simpson always had back in her heyday. 

Two more men released from prison after being wrongfully accused. Antonio Yarbough and Sharrif Wilson were released after serving 20 years each for murders in 1992. DNA evidence was used to exonerate the two men. The men received handshakes and sincere apologies on their way out of prison. 

Russian speedskater strips after winning bronze medal, Putin pretends to enjoy. Olga Graf wasn't expected to medal, so when she did, she was so excited she started to stip off her clothes during her victory lap. Russian President Vladimir Putin, who was at the event, said he thought the display "was very hot." He claimed to have gotten "very aroused" by her little peep show. Putin also added that he hopes this trend continues when the dudes start skating.  

Zoo feeds giraffe to lions to teach kids about giraffe anatomy. The zoo shot and killed the giraffe because they were afraid of giraffe inbreeding. The giraffe was then skinned and fed to the lions. Visitors were invited to watch the lions eat the giraffe. According to zoo spokesman Tobias Stenbaek Bro, the visitors loved watching the lions eat the giraffe. Many have displayed outrage over what took place. Stenbaek Bro said, I'm actually proud because I think we have given children a huge understanding of the anatomy of a giraffe that they wouldn't have had from watching a giraffe in a photo."

Shia LaBeouf wears paperbag over head in attempt to get people to have sex with him. Concerned that people weren't' having sex with him anymore because he was famous, LaBeouf wore a paper bag over his face. The words "I am not famous anymore" were written on the bag. LaBeouf assumes people weren't having sex with him anymore because he's famous and everything he does makes the news. Experts say LaBeouf's lack of sexual activity is probably just because no one wants to have sex with anymore. 

77-year-old man finds the exact age you have to reach for mundane activities to get old people in the news. Ike Herrick received a round of applause and a newspaper article for walking on a treadmill. "It took me 27 years of walking on a treadmill, but now I'm finally old enough to get the recognition I've always deserved," says Herrick.

That's it. That's the news. 

Marty and The News: August 7th Edition

Barack Obama cancels playdate with Vladimir Putin. The two world leaders had planned on doing some fishing and playing with those Russian dolls. Obama says he cancelled the playdate because Putin won't tell him where Edward Snowden is. Obama and Snowden have been playing hide and seek since May. Putin has also said that playing dolls 'is gay.' He said he'd shoot Obama 'in the face' if he tried to play 'with gay ass dolls.'  Obama is going to Sweden instead. Sweden doesn't know where Snowden is, but they do have some pretty sweet dolls.

Chris Brown, 'tired of being famous for a mistake,' quits music in hopes of beating women in anonymity. Brown says he'll release his next album, 'X', and then he'll quit music for good. Brown rose to fame because of his singing and dancing skills. He made headlines when he beat the shit out of Rihanna. He thinks he became famous because of hitting Rihanna. What Brown doesn't realize, is that if he wasn't already famous, no one would know about him beating the shit out of women. He'd just be a regular guy that never makes headlines and beats women. That's what Brown wants. He's sick of being a famous woman beater, so he's quitting the thing that made him famous in hopes that he can became a regular-woman-beater.

Tea Party is up to some shit again, say some Republicans. Republicans think they have a good chance to take control of the Senate, but the Tea Party zealots are ruining it, or something like that. Wasn't that Chris Brown story crazy?

Cabella

Man blows up dog because his ex 'put the devil in it,' won't face animal cruelty charges. Christopher W. Dillingham attached an explosive device around the dog's neck and detonated it. It's not known if he got the devil out of the dog, but he did get dog parts all over the yard. He also woke up all of his neighbors. One law enforcement official said he wasn't charged with animal cruelty because the dog died instantaneously. He has been charged with reckless endangerment and possession of an explosive device. Prosecutors say he still could be charged with animal cruelty.



Michael Phelps to write book, 'Everyone Pees In The Pool.' In an attempt to ride the success of the book, 'Everyone Poops,' Phelps is writing his own confessional book. 'Everyone Poops' was written by Taro Gomi in an attempt to make his pooping look normal. In the book, Gomi claims that everyone else poops too. Phelps recently admitted to peeing in the pool all the time and hopes the book will make it seem normal.

Willis out, Ford in, Stallone hardest working man in showbiz. Sylvester Stallone called Bruce Willis 'greedy and lazy' after kicking him out of Expendables 3. Willis appeared in the first two films. Stallone was excited to announce that Harrison Ford will be in the next installment of the Expendables. Proving that everyone in the movie really is expendable.

Photo man took before going back for wife

Magnetic polarity of the sun to flip. It does this every 11 years or so and no one know what it means or why it happens. "Maybe it just gets bored," says guy who goes outside a lot.

Man saves dog from sinking boat, takes picture, then goes back to save wife.





That's it. That's the news.

Marty and The News

Insert news here.

Teen girl is embarrassed at not being able to work her cell phone. A 13-year-old girl in Utah was asked by her boyfriend, Daniel Dean Divine, to send him nude pictures. Divine is 35-years-old and lives in Oregon. Having just gotten her iPhone, the girl wasn't quite sure how the camera worked. She asked her mom to take the nude pictures. Her mom quickly agreed to taking the nude pictures of her daughter. She then taught her daughter how to send a picture message. Everybody goes to jail.

In an attempt to show his gang fellow gang members that they don't need guns to efficiently kill people, a man sets four people on fire and fails to kill anyone. The gang member sprayed a flammable liquid on 4 individuals, before setting them ablaze in a Denver home. One person suffered severe burns, but is expected to make a full recovery. The other three had very minor injuries. It's believed the gang shot their fellow member in the face for his failure. 

Circus elephants in Russia try to drink themselves to death. Not wanting to live anymore, the elephants somehow get their hands on some vodka. It didn't work. Circus trainers actually say the vodka kept them alive. It got so cold that they say the elephants would have died without the vodka.

Google makes it harder to search for porn, men everywhere are bewildered that people are still using Google to find porn. If you try searching for 'boobs' on Google, none of the results will be porn. If you want porn, just add 'porn' to your search. "I haven't used Google to find porn in 10 years," says Charles Smith. "I just know where I'm going."

Man furious at wife for cooking frozen pizza wrong can't find his gun. What started out as a normal night of watching the '12-12-12' benefit concert, almost turned deadly over 'raw' crust. Richard Watson flung his plate to the ground while watching Kanye West. His wife thought it was because he hates Kanye, but he then he berated his wife for the crust not being cooked enough. Richard then left the room. "He was opening all kinds of drawers," says Debra. "He was yelling things like, 'where is it' and 'where did I put it." Debra doesn't quite know what happened next. She just remembers her face being pushed into the dog's water bowl. Debra was able to break free. Richard then tried to push her up against a wall and strangle her. Richard was unsuccessful. When police arrived, Richard asked if he could borrow one of their guns. When they said no, he asked them to help him find his. Richard was taken to jail. Debra suffered minor bruising.  

Penelope, a pig.

Embarrassed by family car, a pig takes it and wrecks it. Penelope is the 300 pound pet of the Thrasher family. She's also a potbellied pig. The family car is a Nissan Cube. Penelope is embarrassed to be seen it. Penelope took the car for a joy ride with the intention of wrecking it. Police found the wrecked vehicle and a sleeping Penelope in the backseat. The car appears to be totaled. 

Mom loves pig just as much as her 'human children'. "We have human kids," Wendy Thrasher says, "I love her (pig) every bit as much as the human ones. Same story as the last one. I just correctly separated it into two separate stories.  

Mitt Romney is costume.

Mitt Romney robs bank in Virginia while wearing a Mitt Romney mask. The same bank was robbed two years earlier by Hillary Clinton wearing a Hillary Clinton mask.  

That's it. That's the news.