February 28th Edition

Fans of death penalty ask people to stop looking into cases of those that have already been executed. Those against the death penalty usually point to the fact that innocent people are being executed as a reason to stop it. Death penalty supporters say this is because people won't let the cases go. Especially after they have already been executed. "We'd never know if these people were guilty or innocent if people would just stop looking into these cases after they've already been sentenced," says death penalty fan Charles Smith. "We'd never have to feel guilty about killing an innocent man if people could just let it go. Instead they have to go and make us feel bad every time they find someone who was innocent. Which happens, at most, 20 percent of the time."

Lonely weird guy

Man complains about being in solitary confinement for over 15 years for a crime he didn't commit, doesn't realize life would have been just as lonely for him out of prison. At the age of 22, Damon Thibodeaux was convicted in 1997 of killing a 14-year-old girl. He was released in 2012 after it was discovered he didn't kill anyone. Now he's complaining about it. He complains a lot about how lonely he was. What he doesn't realize, because he didn't have a mirror in solitary, is that he is a goofy looking guy. Had he not gone to jail, he still would have spent his life alone. Only he wouldn't have had a legitimate reason to be alone like he did by being in jail. He would have just spent all of his time alone because nobody wanted to talk to him or be seen with him. Since being released from prison, Thibodeaux has spent the last two years all alone. He blames it on the solitary confinement he endured for 15 years. He thinks he doesn't have the social skills to interact with people because of the 15 years in solitary. Experts say the solitary confinement has nothing to do with it. He's just a weird looking guy that no one likes.

Bill O'Reilly says he doesn't like rap, but does enjoy Eminem and "other guys that look like him" on occasion. O'Reilly took to the airwaves to say we need to get rid of "these guys with the hats on backwards, and the terrible rap lyrics and the drugs and all of that." O'Reilly beat people to the punch by saying it has nothing to do with race or the music. He just doesn't like the lifestyle. He explained the he really likes listening to some rap. Eminem and "other guys that look like him" are his favorites. He just can't condone the "lifestyles" of people like Jay-Z and Kanye West.

Suicidal man's death blamed on his love for iPhone. Texas man Rex Benson was fed up with life and decided to end it all. He wanted to burn himself alive in his home. The last place he really loved. He thought it would be fitting if the two were to go out together. What Benson didn't realize, is that his daughter and son were both in the house when he started the fire. Benson helped his son and daughter escape the house. Benson couldn't bear the sight of his house burning down in front of him unless he was inside dying as well. Realizing he left his iPhone, Benson used it as an excuse to go back inside the house. Benson didn't even try to find his iPhone. He sat in his favorite chair and died. 

Looking towards the end?

Hillary Clinton dying? That's the word on the street. At first people just thought it was a really bad cold. It's now widely believed that she has a brain tumor. Now people are saying she is so sick, she may not run for President in 2016. 

Mom upset that 25-year-old daughter still poops in diapers, throws diaper at her face. Or something like that.

Family tries to kill their dad by pretending he's already dead. The Williams family was able to convince enough people that their dad died that he made it all the way to a funeral home in a body bag. Funeral home workers were preparing to embalm Walter Williams' dead body when he started kicking and screaming in the body bag. Williams was taken to the hospital, where nothing wrong with him was found. Williams told his family that he's happy to be alive, but he doesn't understand how this happened. In the kitchen, behind his back, family members placed blame on each other for him becoming conscious right before he was embalmed. 

Fashion faux paux

Substitute teacher arrested for wearing ugly ass vest while furiously masturbating in hallway. Michael Luecke made a big mistake when he decided to wear, what school officials are calling, an "ugly ass vest" to teach at Westhill High School. The high school is located in Stamford Connecticut. An area of the country that is know for it's snobby attitude towards fashion. Luecke was spotted wearing the vest in the hallway by another teacher. She also noticed that Luecke had his hand down his pants and was "moving it around" while looking at the students. She was so disgusted by Luecke's fashion choice, she went to tell school administrators about what was being worn in their school. School officials contacted police who arrested Luecke at the school. Police say they will not release the video of Luecke wearing the vest while masturbating, but they did release a picture and details of the video.

Surveillance video of the scene shows Luecke in a stairwell wearing an ugly ass vest suspiciously manipulating the front of his pants while looking at students in the courtyard. 

The sub then vanishes behind some lockers for a moment. Then, he reappears, lying on his back on the floor, focused on the task at hand and still wearing that hideous vest. At some point, the shocked teacher discovered him — but not before a half dozen students stroll by and see the man wearing the world's worst vest. 

Police say they are lucky the man was also masturbating while wearing the vest. Otherwise, they wouldn't have been able to arrest him. Police also say they wouldn't have arrested him if he weren't wearing the vest. They would have just politely asked him to stop masturbating, or at the very least, stop being so furious about it.  

That's it. That's the news. 

Marty and The News

Like most Americans, the news took the weekend off. It's back at full force. It can be overwhelming. That's why I'm here.

Former political prisoner sets himself on fire. The man with a funny name was once a victim of the former communist regime in Albania. He set himself on fire to prove that people like him need their compensation faster than they are currently receiving it. Albanian officials responded by saying, "This whole setting yourself on fire thing is kind of played out. It was novel the first time someone did it. He's going to have to try something different if he wants our attention."

Jay-Z rides the subway, proving that stars are just like us. There are conflicting reports as to whether or not he took the N train or the R train from Canal Street to Atlantic. If he took the R, it just proves that Jay-Z isn't in touch with the common folk anymore. He'd have to make like eight stops taking the R. The N would only mean one stop. Meanwhile, the Q would actually drop him off slightly closer to the Barclays Center, where he was performing at, but that would also mean two stops.  Either way, he's just like us.

Fat guy

Police claim that Victor Espinoza is a gang member. Gang denies Espinoza's membership. Police have requested that we not use the name of the gang in this story. The gang used to be called the Los Angeles Riders. In reference to the Raiders, a NFL team that used to play in LA. Upon the team's departure form LA, the Riders determined it was not necessary to change their name. The leader of the Riders gang does not deny that Espinoza was, at one time, a member of the gang. "He was a member," says the gang leader. "He's just put on a lot of weight since joining the gang in '82. He used to be a svelte 193. Now he's a grotesque 425. We tried to get him some help. We got him gym memberships, Jenny Craig, Slim Fast, Nutrisystem and we even almost got him that thing where they staple your stomach to make it smaller. Nothing worked. Other gangs were mocking us. There were rumors going around that the thing on his neck is a tumor. We just couldn't have an object of ridicule in our gang. We let him go. He's actually the first gang member in history to be fired from a gang by not being killed. But now that he tried to kidnap that boy, bringing more shame to our gang, because of his former association, we're probably going to kill him. Don't print that."

Jordan Van Der Sloot, of Natalee Holloway fame and killing some other girl who wasn't white, has super semen. Van Der Sloot claims a female from Lima, where he is imprisoned, has become pregnant from some semen he sent to her in the mail.

Everyone around that world was awakened today with feelings of anxiousness, excitement and anticipation. The reason? The Nobel Prize winners are announced today. They may have already been announced. There is no way of knowing for sure.

Anonymous person sits in a wheelchair

Amusement parks say to airports "you're just finding this out now?" Places like Disneyland and Six Flags have know this for years, but airports are discovering that some passengers in wheel chair don't actually need the wheelchair. The are just gaming the system to skip security lines and boarding lines.





The best part about the Internet, is that you no longer have to watch the whole boring NASCAR race to see sweet crashes. Now if we could just get people to make these videos shorter. Skip ahead to 1:30 to see a sweet crash from yesterday's race.

Teen has stomach removed due to potent cocktail. Doctor who removed the stomach is very excited. "This is going to be awesome," says Doctor Todd Rashi. "I've never seen something like this before. I don't know what's going to happen when she eats now. This is the best thing I've done."

So sad

The world stops spinning for a record 47 seconds when news hits of a Danny Devito and Rhea Perlman break up. The previous record was set a month ago when Amy Poehler and Will Arnett broke up. The world stopped spinning for 26 seconds at that time.

Mom beats her 2-year-old daughter so badly that the toddler was in coma for two days, but is unable to make it in the news until she glues her daughters hands to the wall.

This is why you don't have two separate wedding parties in one hotel at the same time. The police are going to tase a guy and one guy is going to die. There is some sweet video of the brawl if you click on the link.

Another search is planned for a missing girl in Colorado. Jessica Rideway, 10, went missing on Friday and already, there have been about six different searches for her. Meanwhile, parents of missing kids, who aren't white, sit and wait for just one search to be conducted to find their children.

Soda consumers have one mure nutrition label to ignore. Nutrition facts have been printed on cans and bottles of sodas for a long time. Consumers have been ignoring those labels for just as long. Now soda consumers will also have to ignore the nutrition labels that are going to be put on vending machines.

I don't know why people are surprised every time something like this happens on QVC. Woman faints while selling product, QVC powers through like nothing happened. This isn't news. QVC does this all the time. A guy once fell of a ladder and they acted like it didn't happen.

That's it. That's the news.