Marty and The News: August 12th Edition

Joe Biden going to Iowa in September to get some steak fries. Apparently this means he might run for President in 2016. Or perhaps he is just not aware of bottomless steak fries at Red Robin.

Kris Jenner mad at Barack Obama, also unaware daughter got famous for having sex with Ray J. Jenner, of marrying Olympic hero Bruce Jenner and mom of Kim Kardashian fame, has her own talk show. Which is news in its self. Jenner used her show to yell at Obama for being critical of Kardashian's and Kanye West's 'over-the-top lifestyle.' Jenner said that Kardashian "is the hardest-working young lady in the world. She never sleeps, she never stops, she never slows down and works so hard for what she's got." Omitting the most important part of Kardashian's fame. Having sex on tape with Ray J. Also her butt.

Man shoots 9-year-old son and then himself at YWCA. Both died as a result of the gun shots. Why the two males were at a YWCA and not a YMCA is not clear. 

Lefty post surgery and missing a leg

Dog takes bullet for owner. Lefty the Pit Bull wasn't doing her job when she let four intruders enter her home. The intruders stole some stuff. When the owner of the home confronted the men, he was met with a gun. When fired at, Lefty sprang into action and took the bullet for her owner. Lefty lived and people on Facebook paid for her surgery. Lefty is now walking around just fine with three legs. 

U.S. Postal Service wants to deliver alcohol. That's pretty much the whole story. They think it will help them make money.  

Lesbian looking lady

Lesbian looking lady doesn't have sex for 12 years, writes book. Sophie Fontanel claims she was celibate by choice and that being so, made her happier. Friends of Fontanel say that it was because no one would have sex with her and that it wasn't from lack of trying. They also say she was a 'miserable bitch' to be around during those 12 years.

Oprah can't buy handbag in Zurich, even though she was in 'full Oprah Winfrey gear.' When Oprah asked to see the $42,000 handbag, she was told it was too expensive. Oprah was shocked because, even though she wasn't wearing her eye lashes, she was in 'full Oprah Winfrey gear.' What 'full Oprah Winfrey gear' means is beyond everyone.  

Black baseball player has banana thrown at him. Baltimore Orioles player Adam Jones claims that a fan threw a banana at him while playing center field. Most say the act was racist. Jones called the guy a jackass on Twitter. What hasn't been mentioned is that Jones suffers from Hypokalemia, a low-level of potassium. Bananas are known for their potassium. While bananas are a good source of potassium, Jones would have been better served had the fan thrown a potato, tomato, or clam. All of which are better sources of potassium than bananas and aren't as racist.

Elephants on their way to break some shit

Elephant herd in India destroys town after one of their own is hit and killed by train. Days after the elephant was struck by a train and killed, the elephant's friends and family returned to the site. At first they appeared to just be mourning the fellow elephant's death. They have now taken to destroying houses and a school. 

Spain forgets to put elevator in new 47-story building. The original plans for the building called for it to only have 20 floors. Builders decided to make it 47 instead. When they changed the plans, they forgot to make room for an elevator shaft. The building will be used for apartments. There is like 269, or something like that. Many of which have already been sold to people in other countries. No word yet on what they are going to do about the lack of an elevator. 

That's it. That's the news. 

Marty and The News

Insert news here.

Teen girl is embarrassed at not being able to work her cell phone. A 13-year-old girl in Utah was asked by her boyfriend, Daniel Dean Divine, to send him nude pictures. Divine is 35-years-old and lives in Oregon. Having just gotten her iPhone, the girl wasn't quite sure how the camera worked. She asked her mom to take the nude pictures. Her mom quickly agreed to taking the nude pictures of her daughter. She then taught her daughter how to send a picture message. Everybody goes to jail.

In an attempt to show his gang fellow gang members that they don't need guns to efficiently kill people, a man sets four people on fire and fails to kill anyone. The gang member sprayed a flammable liquid on 4 individuals, before setting them ablaze in a Denver home. One person suffered severe burns, but is expected to make a full recovery. The other three had very minor injuries. It's believed the gang shot their fellow member in the face for his failure. 

Circus elephants in Russia try to drink themselves to death. Not wanting to live anymore, the elephants somehow get their hands on some vodka. It didn't work. Circus trainers actually say the vodka kept them alive. It got so cold that they say the elephants would have died without the vodka.

Google makes it harder to search for porn, men everywhere are bewildered that people are still using Google to find porn. If you try searching for 'boobs' on Google, none of the results will be porn. If you want porn, just add 'porn' to your search. "I haven't used Google to find porn in 10 years," says Charles Smith. "I just know where I'm going."

Man furious at wife for cooking frozen pizza wrong can't find his gun. What started out as a normal night of watching the '12-12-12' benefit concert, almost turned deadly over 'raw' crust. Richard Watson flung his plate to the ground while watching Kanye West. His wife thought it was because he hates Kanye, but he then he berated his wife for the crust not being cooked enough. Richard then left the room. "He was opening all kinds of drawers," says Debra. "He was yelling things like, 'where is it' and 'where did I put it." Debra doesn't quite know what happened next. She just remembers her face being pushed into the dog's water bowl. Debra was able to break free. Richard then tried to push her up against a wall and strangle her. Richard was unsuccessful. When police arrived, Richard asked if he could borrow one of their guns. When they said no, he asked them to help him find his. Richard was taken to jail. Debra suffered minor bruising.  

Penelope, a pig.

Embarrassed by family car, a pig takes it and wrecks it. Penelope is the 300 pound pet of the Thrasher family. She's also a potbellied pig. The family car is a Nissan Cube. Penelope is embarrassed to be seen it. Penelope took the car for a joy ride with the intention of wrecking it. Police found the wrecked vehicle and a sleeping Penelope in the backseat. The car appears to be totaled. 

Mom loves pig just as much as her 'human children'. "We have human kids," Wendy Thrasher says, "I love her (pig) every bit as much as the human ones. Same story as the last one. I just correctly separated it into two separate stories.  

Mitt Romney is costume.

Mitt Romney robs bank in Virginia while wearing a Mitt Romney mask. The same bank was robbed two years earlier by Hillary Clinton wearing a Hillary Clinton mask.  

That's it. That's the news.