Marty and The News

Insert news here.

Teen girl is embarrassed at not being able to work her cell phone. A 13-year-old girl in Utah was asked by her boyfriend, Daniel Dean Divine, to send him nude pictures. Divine is 35-years-old and lives in Oregon. Having just gotten her iPhone, the girl wasn't quite sure how the camera worked. She asked her mom to take the nude pictures. Her mom quickly agreed to taking the nude pictures of her daughter. She then taught her daughter how to send a picture message. Everybody goes to jail.

In an attempt to show his gang fellow gang members that they don't need guns to efficiently kill people, a man sets four people on fire and fails to kill anyone. The gang member sprayed a flammable liquid on 4 individuals, before setting them ablaze in a Denver home. One person suffered severe burns, but is expected to make a full recovery. The other three had very minor injuries. It's believed the gang shot their fellow member in the face for his failure. 

Circus elephants in Russia try to drink themselves to death. Not wanting to live anymore, the elephants somehow get their hands on some vodka. It didn't work. Circus trainers actually say the vodka kept them alive. It got so cold that they say the elephants would have died without the vodka.

Google makes it harder to search for porn, men everywhere are bewildered that people are still using Google to find porn. If you try searching for 'boobs' on Google, none of the results will be porn. If you want porn, just add 'porn' to your search. "I haven't used Google to find porn in 10 years," says Charles Smith. "I just know where I'm going."

Man furious at wife for cooking frozen pizza wrong can't find his gun. What started out as a normal night of watching the '12-12-12' benefit concert, almost turned deadly over 'raw' crust. Richard Watson flung his plate to the ground while watching Kanye West. His wife thought it was because he hates Kanye, but he then he berated his wife for the crust not being cooked enough. Richard then left the room. "He was opening all kinds of drawers," says Debra. "He was yelling things like, 'where is it' and 'where did I put it." Debra doesn't quite know what happened next. She just remembers her face being pushed into the dog's water bowl. Debra was able to break free. Richard then tried to push her up against a wall and strangle her. Richard was unsuccessful. When police arrived, Richard asked if he could borrow one of their guns. When they said no, he asked them to help him find his. Richard was taken to jail. Debra suffered minor bruising.  

Penelope, a pig.

Embarrassed by family car, a pig takes it and wrecks it. Penelope is the 300 pound pet of the Thrasher family. She's also a potbellied pig. The family car is a Nissan Cube. Penelope is embarrassed to be seen it. Penelope took the car for a joy ride with the intention of wrecking it. Police found the wrecked vehicle and a sleeping Penelope in the backseat. The car appears to be totaled. 

Mom loves pig just as much as her 'human children'. "We have human kids," Wendy Thrasher says, "I love her (pig) every bit as much as the human ones. Same story as the last one. I just correctly separated it into two separate stories.  

Mitt Romney is costume.

Mitt Romney robs bank in Virginia while wearing a Mitt Romney mask. The same bank was robbed two years earlier by Hillary Clinton wearing a Hillary Clinton mask.  

That's it. That's the news.

Marty and The News

News, it's in short supply with the hurricane, but I've dug some up.

Natsu upset that he hasn't had sex yet. The man who purchased a Brazilian woman's virginity for $780,000 is upset that it hasn't happened yet. During the bidding process, the 20-year-old Brazilian claimed she could medically prove she is a virgin. However, experts say that they can't definitively prove whether she is a virgin or not. This hubbub over whether she is really a virgin or not, is causing the transaction to not be finished. "I don't really care either way," says Natsu, the winning bidder. "Just let me do my thing."

Winning done right

Preacher and all around crazy man, John McTernan, blames hurricane on Obama, Romney and of course, the gays. Usually when people make crazy statements, they leave a group of people out of it, in hopes that some agree with them. McTernan has found away to single out nearly everybody. Except those weird third party people, but most of them are gay.

Classic

Kindergarten teacher suspended for fake shooting two of her students in Facebook comments. Tameka Gatewood made the comments on Facebook when she became frustrated with two of her students arguing. In the comments, she makes reference to shooting the two students. "Bang! Bang! Shoot 'em up dammit!" She then says, "Just Kidding!!!" The fact that she actually spelled it out instead of just putting 'jk', lets you know that she was really just kidding. I only report on this story so I can put the picture up of one of the parents reacting to the comments.

I clicked on this article because it said Shakespeare had an STD. After reading it, this asshole is just talking about what is in this book that he wrote.

Man, Steven Ford, and his dog, Lola, found in their apartment watching TV with Michaela Beth Ford. Police found the couple and their dog in the apartment after neighbors had complained of strange smell. Police say Michaela has been dead for over 10 days. Steven told the police who entered the apartment, that she isn't dead. Steven was drunk at the time and has now rescinded his comments.

This story makes no sense. I'll break it down. There was this rave. Many of the kids there were intoxicated. Most, if not all, were underage. Police arrived at the scene to deal with the drunk kids. That's when this guy tried to land a helicopter. He couldn't though. There were all these people, drunk kids and police officers, walking around. The landing was aborted. A short while later, the man tries landing the helicopter again. People are still in the area, but he gets the helicopter landed. Police arrest the helicopter pilot and seize the helicopter. That's it. That's the story. No mention as to why this guy was trying to land his helicopter there.

A photo showing an angry hockey fan holding a sign asking if Gary Bettman, NHL Commissioner  and Donald Fehr, NHL Player's Union leader, will talk to him, has been circulating around the Internet. The lone NHL fan isn't the only one in the picture. There is a few innocent bystanders in the photo. Those people are upset that it now looks like they care about the NHL lockout. "I didn't even know there was a lockout or that it was hockey season," said one bystander. "I barley know what hockey is. I don't want my friends, my family or America thinking I care about this." Another man in photo has also reacted via Facebook. "Straight up bullshit. I was just leaning against this building drinking a coffee. Now all these people tagging me in this photo. I DON'T CARE ABOUT HOCKEY! STOP TAGGING ME!"

That's it. That's the news.

Marty and The News

News goes here.

Rape pallet cleanser

Richard Mourdock gains voter after rape comment. Mourdock, who said rape was just a part of God's plan, is now saying the comments have helped him gain voters. "I know I did," said Mourdock. Most found Mourdock's claim of gaining new voters, as a result of his rape comments, just as absurd as his rape comments. But now a man named Derek Spuhler has come forward backing Mourdock's claim. Spuhler, 42, has lived in Indiana his entire life. He has also lived in his mom's basement his entire life. He claims to be a ladies man who goes on dates every night. Not even his own mom will back those claims. Spuhler says he wasn't going to vote until he was made aware of Mourdock's views on rape. "I just like his way of thinking," says Spuhler. "I'm not a monster, but no one believes me. Mourdock understands that I'm not a monster. I'm just an instrument of God's will." Despite gaining Spuhler's vote, it's estimated that Mourdock's comments have lost him the vote of 95% of those who were previously going to vote for him. The other 5% cast early ballots last week. They are all trying to find ways to take their votes back.

Italy implements a trial run of putting cocaine and marijuana into the air. It's been common practice for many cities in the world to add fluoride to the city's water supply, but Italy is taking it a step further. Italy is now going to start putting drugs into the cities air supply. Italy has started by rolling out the controversial air drugging in eight cities, including Rome. Mario Monti, the Prime Minister of Italy, has said that if the eight city trial goes well, the program will be rolled out nationwide. He also wants to expand the types of drugs being used.

Video on YouTube may make bring the end of the Internet. A video of a kid unsuccessfully jumping over a car, may make the internet collapse in on its self say experts. "The video alone isn't that mind blowing," says Internet expert Charles Smith. "It's just a kid trying to jump over a car as it races towards him. It's not even really an attempt to jump over the car. It's better described as kid gets hit by car and does a bunch of flips in the air. At no point do you ever say, 'this kid might make it'. He doesn't even make it over the front bumper. The YouTube video could bring the Internet down though. It appears as if it's a YouTube video, of a video. Someone played a video from another Internet video service, and then recorded that video as it played on their browser. They then posted the video of a video on YouTube. The Internet isn't capable of handling these types of things."

Man who gave worthless donation

Mitt Romney says 'thanks, but we could have used this sooner' to campaign donor. Just weeks before the election, Sheldon Anderson, has given $10 million to the Romney election campaign. Romney's campaign team isn't quite sure what to do with the money. "We already budgeted out how we were going to spend the rest of campaign money we have," says Romney campaign manager. "We appreciate this money, but we don't really know what to do with it. It's too late to make another video. It's too late to do anything with it. This money would have been very beneficial about a month or two ago. Romney will probably just keep it now."

United States gives Mexico back some of its stuff. "We're keeping the land though," says America.

Ted Turner, fan of suicide.

Man surprised at how easy it was to rob Church's Chicken.

That's it. That's the news.

Marty and The News: Sunday Edition

The news used to stop on Sunday and give you time to catch up. That's not the case anymore. That's why I'm here.

Mitt Romney and Paul Ryan are still trying to figure out the equation for their tax plan. When Romney and Ryan came up solution for what their tax plan would do, they decided to call it a night and work on the specifics of achieving that solution in the morning. "We really were going to figure it out that next morning," says Romney. "But Paul had to do some P90X and I didn't have time to wait for him to finish as I had some campaigning to do. I let the people I was talking to that day know that Paul and I had come up with the perfect solution. I thought we would have found the answer on how to get there by now. The whole thing has just kind of snowballed out of control." Romney and Ryan are working tirelessly on the specifics of their tax plan that will end in the way they dreamt. The two men have been spending every night together for the last two weeks trying to figure it out. They have gone through a lot of root beer and licorice, and Ryan has done thousands of push-ups, but they still haven't found the equation that gives them the answer that they came up with more than a month ago now.

Polls show that if the election were held today, Obama would win. Pollsters continued. We also have this other poll from November of 2008, that shows if the election were held then, Obama would also win that. We also have this poll that was only done in the State of Illinois in November of 2004. Obama would win that one too. It doesn't matter which one of these polls you look at, things aren't looking good for Romney.

Justin Bieber's bulimia is out of control. Bieber has never publicly acknowledged the rumors of his bulimia, but it now looks like he may have too. Biber took the stage last night in Arizona and threw up. It was the first stop on his Believe tour, so he can't even blame it on exhaustion. Bieber is going to have to face the rumors head on this time.

David Letterman tells viewers of his late night show to not vote for Mitt Romney. President Barack Obama appeared on the show last week and now Letterman is telling his viewers not to vote for Romney, unless he makes an appearance on the show. Once that appearance takes place, Letterman will then tell his viewers not to vote for Mitt Romney.

Young Jeezy versus...

Just another night in black entertainment, as a fight breaks out at the BET Awards. This time it was Young Jeezy and Rick Ross who got into it. The two got into a shoving match on stage, but things didn't end there. The two argued in the parking lot, where gun shots were reportedly heard.

This fat guy

Man angry with God, attacks churches. Wade Murray was pissed of at God. Now he is accused of vandalizing at least six different churches. Each one of a different denomination. Murray wasn't sure which God was the right God to be mad at, so he hedged his bets and attacked the six most popular Gods. 

NHL players meet to discuss lockout strategy. The players have been talking with NFL referees to try and figure out how they got so much public outcry behind their lockout, that eventually came to an end because of the public backlash. The NFL referees union had this to say to the NHL players union. "Our sport is popular. People would rather watch us do our thing, than do whatever it is that you do. And we are just referees. We don't know how to help you. You already missed a full season recently. No one cared then. Why would they care now? The world stopped during our lockout and we only missed three weeks. Sorry that we can't help you. Best of luck."

Prank backfires on high school teen. Sarah Ditmers, the most popular girl at a Michigan high school, thought it would be funny to pull a prank on Whitney Kropp, the often bullied and least popular girl in the school. Ditmers thought it would be a funny prank to have Kropp voted as homecoming queen. "Can you imagine that homely, dumpy looking girl as homecoming queen?" Says Ditmers. "This was going to be my best prank yet." After the prank, Ditmers' mood was much different. "Watching her walk out on the football field... She just looked so beautiful. And the ovation she got from the crowd. I wanted it to be me. She's always going to have that memory of being homecoming queen. I want to have that memory. She's always going to be able to tell people she was homecoming queen in high school. I'm going to have to tell people I lost to that."

Fans of giant breasts and water parks shed a tear. Dolly Parton has withdrawn her involvement in a planned water park in Nashville. 

That's it. That's the news.

Marty and The News

It's only been a day since I last reported news. News is happening at a record pace. I'm doing my best to keep up. Let's not waste any more time.

Tim Cook angers iPhone users even more. Steve Jobs thinks about coming back to life and running Apple again. Reminiscent of the signal issue that the iPhone 4 had, Apple holds press conference to talk about an issue with their new phone. This time for their attempt at maps. But unlike with the signal issue, where they blamed people for holding the phone wrong. Apple took blame this time. The weak Tim Cook apologized for the piss-poor app. Then suggested alternative apps to use. One of the apps Cook suggested was Waze. What the hell is Waze? Apple users are left bewildered and angered at the Waze suggestion.

Romney face

Poll finds that Mitt Romney is less favorable than George W. Bush. Upon learning the news, Romney tried to stick to his plan of distancing himself from Bush. "I'm not familiar with this George guy," Romney claimed. Bush reacted with glee. "All right," said Bush while giving two thumbs up. "Looks like I have a good chance at winning."

This gentleman is holding his phone correctly for shooting video

It happened again. Teens take video of them beating a mentally challenged woman. These attacks seem common place these days. They like to post the videos on Facebook too. Which is a travesty. The videos are always shot in portrait. Stop recording video in portrait. It doesn't matter how you take pictures, but video should always be shot in landscape. Today's youth are failing this country.


Sick and tired of the small lunch portions, students plan a cafeteria boycott. A strategy session was held on Thursday to discuss the possible strike. One student had this to say, "This year you’re eating lunch and you’re like ‘Did I even eat?’ You’re not even full." He even went as far to say, "if somebody’s obese why should someone like me who’s not obese have to suffer, and eat a small meal when I’d rather have a bigger meal?" Answer that, Obama. The students are blaming Obama for the small meals.

How come you can say definitively say that this guy shot himself, but you have to say he allegedly shot the other 4 people? Oh, this guy lost his job, went back to the office, shot and killed 4 people before killing himself. You know the routine.

Hey ladies, stop your bitching and start doing the housework. Study finds that couples are more likely to divorce when they share the housework duties. The best marriages are those in which the woman do the housework. "The more a man does in the home, the higher the divorce rate," says this one guy.

Man sends sext message to two teen girls and every other contact in his phone. Craig Evans claims the sext was meant for his girlfriend. Evans was most likely really hard up. The good news is, he'll be able to get some of his frustrations out in jail. Where he'll be spending the next 18 months for the sext.

Man teaches his teenage son to not rob houses by shooting and killing him in the act. Jeffrey Giuliano received a call from his neighbor who believed someone was trying to break into her house. Giuliano went to check it out with his gun in hand. He found a masked man who was attempting entry into the house. Giuliano claims the masked man came at him with a silver object. Giuliano shot and killed the man. Turns out the masked man was Giuliano's teenage son.

Jimmy Hoffa may be buried under a driveway in Michigan. They're going to dig up the driveway today to find out. Because for some reason, it still matters where Jimmy Hoffa is, even though no one has seen him for nearly 40 years.

Arnold Schwarzenegger manages to only get one movie title into the title of his book. Schwarzenegger's memoir is titled, 'Total Recall: My Unbelievably True Life Story.' Schwarzenegger regrets only being able to get one movie title into the book title. Schwarzenegger had this to say, "I wanted more than one. I just couldn't figure it out. I was able to get true into the title. I just couldn't figure out how lies would fit in. I've never lied."

That's it. That's the news.

Marty and The News

For the first time, I got my own news. I'm moving Marty and The News on to Blogger. Facebook treated me well. I assume no one was reading it on Facebook, but there was no way to know for sure. With the move to Blogger, I'll be able to know for sure that no one is reading it.

Now for the news.

Romney advisers want him to bring back certain kinds of torture. Republican fans already feel tortured by his horrendous campaign.

Johnny Lewis found dead. Goes to show you that just because you are in Hollywood, you're life isn't glamorous. And just because you are on a hit show, people still aren't going to know you by name. Lewis, 'Sons of Anarchy,' and more importantly, 'The O.C. star,' was found dead on the driveway of a 70-year-old lady. Lewis was renting a room from the lady. That's where 'fame' gets you. The old lady was found dead inside the home. Rumor has it, Lewis is suspected of killing the old lady.

Ladies Ray

Stingray tries to pick up some chicks.

Representative Barney Frank claims pot brownie made him sleepy. I suspect Frank would have been sleepy whether or not he ate the brownie. 

There are just to many good quotes in this story about a man who had 60 dead cats in his van, for you to not go and read the whole thing.  

Something tells me this lady isn't going to vote, or isn't eligible to vote. But at least she wouldn't vote for Obama just because he is black.

It's sad that this kid killed himself at school. It's even worse that it may have been due to bullying. It's sadder yet, that he did it dressed as Two-Face. Further tarnishing the Batman Trilogy. But the worst part of all, is that this school thinks having a day where you dress up in costume has anything to do with Breast Cancer Awareness week.  

I didn't know this site existed, but all you ladies should go check it out. You may already be internet stars and just not know it.  

Doctors claim to have grown an ear on a ladies arm. After further review, they just grew some skin and then shaped it into an ear. It's not like she could hear out her arm. It didn't even look like an ear when it was on her arm.  

Alligator rips off old lady's arm. She was probably taunting the alligator. I don't see why they have to kill the alligator. She is old. She probably wasn't using the arm much anyways.  

Victim #1 in the Jerry Sandusky case is going to show how traumatized he is by profitting off of it.  

If this lady ends up getting cancer one day, do the charges get dropped and she gets the money back?

Finally, the NFL referee lockout is over. Now we can get back to complaining about the refs the old fashioned way.  

I hope this kid doesn't die. I don't want to have to watch 'World's Deadliest Snake Bites' on TruTV.  

Syria shows rebels they mean business the only way they know how. By sending them text messages.  

Guy writes story about how he puts his phone in his pocket. Great stuff.  

That's it. That's the news.