February 24th Edition

Jason Collins is surprisingly the same mediocre basketball player he was before announcing he was gay, doesn't try rubbing butts with other players. When Collins came out as gay a few months, he didn't have a roster spot on a team. He had played 14 season in the NBA and was never more than a serviceable player. Many assumed a team would sign Collins for the publicity alone. It took nearly two-thirds of the season to be played before a team finally gave Collins an opportunity. The New Jersey Nets signed Collins to a 10-day contract over the weekend. He played in his first game last night. Nobody expected it, but he was the same mediocre player he was during his previous years in the NBA. Everyone thought he would become a superstar after coming out as gay, or that he would forget how to dribble and just go around trying to rub butts with other players..

John Dingell says no Congressman should ever serve 60 years. Dingell has represented Michigan in Congress for over 59 years. He's finally ready to retire, but not because he can't still get the job done. "I'm still just as capable as I was when I first stepped onto the floor in 1955," said Dingell. "I've just always said, no one man should ever serve 60 years in Congress. I'm taking my own advice and stepping down. Thank you." Dingell then forget where he was and started yelling at the reporters to "get out of his house."

Uganda defends anti-gay law by pointing out that it's now illegal to have sex with minors too. Ugandan President Yoweri Museveni was met with applause after signing the bill into law. The new law nets you 14 years in jail for having gay sex. You could get life imprisonment for repeated gay sex, sex with a minor, a disabled person and someone infected with HIV. Uganda was quick to point out the sex with minors thing to critics of the law. They claim that gay thing is just a very small part of the bill. What lawmakers failed to mention is that only homosexual activity with a minor is punishable.

Comcast takes money from Netflix and ruins the Internet. This will be the beginning of the end for Internet. It'll never be the same.

Jake "The Snake" Roberts has the sniffles of cancer. Wrestling fans don't know how to react. At first they are saddened that he has cancer. Then they realize it's just knee cancer. Which sounds like a pretty weak form of cancer. Knee cancer is like the sniffles of cancers.

3-person embryo fertilization likely not to be allowed because "it's playing God." Two-person embryo fertilization to still be allowed, because that's how God is making babies. In some beakers and stuff.

USA dominates world in winning bronze medals.

WWE Network launches today, causes one guy to half-ass his news reporting. Sorry

That's it. That's the news.

Marty and The News

Some news.

UCLA student's Asian girlfriend cheats on him with 'Honkie white-boy'. Authorities at UCLA still haven't found who is responsible for the signs posted around campus, but an Asian co-ed has told campus police that she believes her ex-boyfriend is responsible for the sexist/racist signs that have been found around campus. So far, two signs have been found. The first one read, "Asian women R Honkie white-boy worshipping Whores." A few days later this was found, "Asian Women are White-Boy Worshipping Sluts". Susan Wui told campus police on Thursday that she thinks it is her ex-boyfriend that is responsible. Last week she cheated on him with Mark Lee. UCLA authorities say there may be nothing then can do if it is Wui's ex that is posting the signs because the signs appear to be true in this case. "Mark Lee is one of the whitest guys on campus," said the UCLA Chancellor.

Either way, it's old

Grand Canyon may have been formed 70 million years ago, says new study. Before the study, it was widely believed that the canyon was formed 6 million years ago. Both studies involved looking at rocks to find the age of the canyon. Geologists say the new finding is significant, because if it were formed 70 million years ago, it would mean that dinosaurs also took in the majestic beauty of the canyon, just as we do today. Although, the dinosaurs likely wouldn't have had the skywalk to view the canyon from, like we do toady. Some geologists aren't convinced of the new findings. Geologist Karl Karlstrom (wish I had made that name up) from the University of New Mexico says that it is "ludicrous" to believe that the canyon was around in the era of dinosaurs. He then went on to say that dinosaurs never existed.

Congress returns to doing what they do best, making a new $1 coin. This time is different. They are doing so in an attempt to get ride of paper $1 bills. Which I'm pretty sure was one of the ideas behind every attempt to make a $1 coin. Except the Sacajawea coin. That was done to show Disney appreciation for making a great movie.  

Fast food workers in New York City demand higher wages. Many fast food workers only make $7.25 an hour. Most fast food executives were ready to listen to the workers and work with them on getting higher wages. Then they found out the workers were asking to make $15 an hour. We've been able to reach any of the fast food executives for a comment, because they are still laughing. 

Prostitutes in Zurich, Switzerland now have to have sex in boxes. Zurich is installing drive-up sex boxes to make it easier for prostitues to conduct their business. To use the boxes, prostitutes must be insured, have a prostitute license and clock in when beginning work. 

NBA Commissioner David Stern is upset with San Antonio Spurs coach Greg Popovich. Popovich sent home four players last night because they are too old and needed to rest. He sent home four of the teams best players, Tim Duncan, Tony Parker, Manu Ginobili and Danny Green. David Stern has said the team will be penalized for their actions and apologized to fans. The commissioner of my fantasy basketball league could take some lessons from Stern. The Shot Blocker Express should be penalized for not starting three of their top players and in doing so, losing the week to Ray's Rim Jobbers. If they had started those players, like they should have, the Rim Jobbers would have lost that week and my team, From Downtown, If You Know What I Mean, would be in first place. It's bullshit.  

That's it. That the News