February 17th Edition

BREAKING:  Stunning new report finds that bad shit is happening in North Korea. The report, performed by UN investigators, claims that massive human rights violations are occurring. One UN guy says that, "people would be shocked by what is going on there. It's even more shocking, because there was no indication that any of this was happening."

When it comes to winning bronze medals, United States is kicking ass. The United States is currently sitting in 7th place in the medal standing for this year's Winter Olympics. They have only won 4 gold and 4 silver medals. Numbers that put them on the lower end of countries that actually have a shot to win medal standings. But if one were to look past those first two columns, they would see that the US is dominating the field. The US has won a staggering 9 bronze medals. Two more than any other country. Nine is the most medals won of any color. United States Winter Olympic spokesman, Charles Smith, had this to say of the accomplishment, "We could easily be turning those bronze medals into silver or gold. We just told our athletes to hold back this year. Let the other countries know we're there, but don't show them up. That's our motto this year. We also want to make sure those sports, that only we are good at because we made them up and other countries don't really think they are sports, stay in the olympics. In those sports especially, we've made a strong effort to make sure other countries win those events this year. We've accidentally won a few of those events, but for the most part, we're doing a good job."

Despite the cold, Kardashian still inspires

George Zimmerman blames Trayvon Martin for making his life hard. In an interview with CNN, Zimmerman let it be known to everyone that he only has to answer to God. He won't answer to anyone else because he doesn't like what they have to say. He thinks God will understand him and that he had to shoot Martin. When asked if he felt any regret over killing Martin, Zimmerman said, "look, my life would be easier had I not gone out there that night. That's for certain. But so would Martin's. Martin chose to go out there that night. A place he shouldn't have been. I was just doing my responsibility as a respected community member by following him around. Both our lives would be very different had Martin not made the choices he did that night."

Kim Kardashian bravely shows New York City that it isn't too cold to show cleavage. Just as many in the City were beginning to think they would never again be able to show cleavage, Kardashian let her breasts free. "I'm just so happy that I can be an inspiration to so many," says Kardashian.

Whatever it is, it's terrible

Football player arrested, NFL asks for player to announce he's gay. Ray Rice, of the Baltimore Ravens, was arrested for what will probably turn out to be him hitting his fiancee. Upon learning of the news, the NFL sent out an e-mail to all it's players. Urging one of them to come out as gay.

Parents claim their son drew picture of all the Presidents of the United States. Keaton, 7, will tell you he was just "drawering a pictre." Ask his parents, and they'll tell you that he was drawing all of the Presidents, unprovoked. His parents say that they were unaware that he even knew what the President was. Let alone all of them. Many are claiming that Keaton just drew a picture that happened to have 43 people in it. Which is also what Keaton says.

                                           Über Racist

Stereotype of 'black people always kicking doors' is gaining steam. A university student in Canada emailed his fellow students a picture of US President Barack Obama kicking a door. Something that actually happened. The caption that accompanied the photo said, "Honestly midterms get out of here." The university forced the student to apologize for the picture when another student complained it was racist. The caption was also claimed to be racist because there was no comma in it. Many are claiming there was no comma in the caption because the student is Canadian and stupid, not racist.

Study finds that most studies find what they set out to find. Researchers were hoping to find that bullying affects children negatively and when they conducted their study, that's exactly what they found. "This is happening a lot more than you might think," says Charles Smith, who studies studies. "Last year a group of people wanted to show that having a dog is good for your happiness. That's exactly what they found. The last time a study didn't find what it wanted was in 1997."

That's it. That's the news.

Marty and The News: Special Edition

NFL trying to reach out to a new demographic for Super Bowl XLVII.

It's hard to dispute football being the countries sport of choice. However, there is one group in America that has showed little to no interest in the sport. Pun lovers. "We test well in almost every demographic out there," says NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell. "One area we've always struggled with is with pun lovers. We're ready to try again."

This is the first time the NFL has tried reaching out to the pun community in four years. When the Arizona Cardinals faced the Philadelphia Eagles in 2009 for the NFC Championship, the league tried to bill the game as 'unbirdable'. The pun flopped. Not only with pun lovers, but with people who don't know what a pun is.

HarBowl I

For the first time since the 'unbirdable' tragedy, the NFL is once again making an effort to reach out to pun lovers. The coaches of the San Francisco 49ers and Baltimore Ravens are brothers, Jim and John Harbaugh. "We feel good about this year," says Goodell. "We think this is the year we finally are able to bring in the pun community."

The game is being touted as the HarBowl. Charles Smith, President of the Pun Lovers Community of America, says, "We're listening, but after 2009, we're cautious."

When asked whether or not he thinks it will be difficult to retain the pun lovers after this year's HarBowl, Goodell said 'without a doubt.'

"We can't expect this great community to stick around after just one great pun, no matter how good it is," says Goodell. "The best case scenario would be for these two teams to face off again in the Super Bowl next year. We could retain pun lovers by calling it the HarBowl II. We're also slowly losing the Roman Numeral lovers demographic. There are just too many Roman Numerals after Super Bowl now. It's too hard for people to keep track. Even for Roman Numeral lovers. No one actually knows what number we are on. I think we are somewhere between 30 and 60. It would be nice to be able to start over with the Roman Numerals and call it HarBowl II next year. Hopefully there are more Harbaugh brothers that coach, or they have kids that coach. Something. Our pun team just isn't very good. I don't think they can ever come up with a pun of this caliber again. This one kind of fell in their lap, and sadly, wasn't their first choice. They actually wanted to go with Bowl of Brothers. I'm extremely worried about losing the pun demographic for good after this year."