February 26th Edition

Four million people have signed up for Obamacare, George W. Bush is surprised half the country has already signed up. The number of people that have signed up for Obamacare are very low, but not according to one former President. "Wow!" Said Bush. "Four million, already. I didn't think that many people would sign up for that Obamacare. Boy was I wrong. Half the country has already signed up." Bush was only off on the population of the United States by roughly 306 million. Since making his comments, Bush has taken to Twitter to explain that he was joking. "My comments on Obamacare were a joke. What do they call it, sarcasm? I was being sarcasm," tweeted Bush.

Another fast food patron looks at their receipt too closely. An alarming trend of customers looking to closely at their receipt has griped the country. In the old days, nobody looked at their receipt. Except in the rare circumstances they forgot their order number. "Bitch ass hoes."That's the name that left an elderly grandmother in tears. A Burger King employee printed the name on elderly woman's receipt. Apparently because the elderly woman and her granddaughter were being "bitch ass hoes." The manger of the Burger King told the woman that she shouldn't have looked at the receipt.

Random cat picture

Former New England Patriots turned probable murder, Aaron Hernandez, beats up guy in prison. TMZ reports that inmate was harassing Hernandez, so he had it coming.

Woman tricks boyfriend into killing himself under the guise of gun safety. Sarah was fed up with her boyfriends douchey ways and wanted to put an end to him. She didn't want to do it herself however, so she devised a plan for him to kill himself. For days on end, Sarah constantly nagged and complained about his guns and how unsafe they were to have in the house. Especially around their children. The boyfriend eventually set out to show her how safe the guns were. He grabbed his three guns and pointed each one to his head and pulled the trigger. What he didn't know, is that Sarah had put a bullet in one of the guns a few days prior. The first two gun did nothing when the man pulled the trigger. Sarah even played along and had him point the second gun at her and pull the trigger after nothing happened when he pointed it at himself. Sarah was in the middle of apologizing for saying the guns weren't safe when her boyfriend killed himself by pointing the third gun at his head and pulling the trigger.

NFL may move Super Bowl from Arizona if anti-gay is passed, Arizona wouldn't let Super Bowl take place if Michael Sam's team were in it. The bill isn't just anti-gay, it's anti-whatever-the-hell-you-want. If it's against your religious beliefs for people to wear hats, you can refuse service to those wearing hats. Hate women? Well good news for you. You don't have to let them live in your apartment complex. As long as you belong to a religion that hates women. Which is most of them. The NFL doesn't like the law and is using the threat of taking the Super Bowl away as a deterrent to passing it. If the Super Bowl were moved from Arizona, where it is scheduled to be played in 2015, the state would lose hundreds of millions of dollars in revenue. Lawmakers in Arizona aren't scared however. They say it's the NFL that is scared. Under the law, Arizona could refuse at the last minute to let the Super Bowl take place if they wanted . One scenario where Arizona would stop the Super Bowl is if the team who drafts openly gay player, Michael Sam, were to make the Super Bowl.

High School senior is suspended because his dad is merely a lowly fisherman. David Duren-Sanner attends a prestigious high school in Tennessee. Most of the kids parents are doctors, lawyers are television celebrities. David's mom is a lawyer and that is how he got into the school. School officials assumed she was a single mother because she never mentioned a husband when enrolling David into the school. But when a man smelling of fish came to pick up David from school last month, the school grew suspicious. The school looked into it and it turns out the fishy man is David's father. The school informed David he would be suspended from the school for 10-days because of his father's job. According to the school, the only reason David wasn't expelled is because he was so close to graduating and his last name is hyphenated, so people will know that he is the son of the lawyer lady in town.

That's it. That's the news.

Marty and The News: August 6th Edition

George W. Bush goes to the hospital. Just a blocked artery in his heart. No big deal. We won't be attacking any countries because of this, probably.

Anderson Cooper gets 'new show'. CNN is excited to announce that Cooper is now going to be doing two completely different shows on their network. Cooper will still have his show 'AC360'. After that show is over, something else will come on for an hour and then Cooper's new show, 'AC360 Later,' will come on. TWO. COMPLETElY. DIFFERENT. SHOWS. CNN is aware that it looks like the same show, just with a one hour break, but they have repeatedly said that this is not the same show.

Two dudes

Watergate guys asked what they think about Washington Post sale. The guy who made Amazon (the website, not the rainforest), Jeff Bezos is now the owner of the Washington Post. For some reason, famed Watergate reporters, Bob Woodward and Carl Bernstein, were asked for their opinion on the sale. They didn't really say anything interesting. They both just said they were sad that the family who owned the paper forever no longer owned it. Then they said that they think Bezos is going to do a really good job. Nothing interesting.

Mark Wahlberg tells Justin Bieber to stop smoking weed. Bieber fires back and tells Wahlberg to stop wearing around that fake penis he wore in Boogie Nights. Wahlberg wants to put Bieber in a movie about basketball. There isn't really a story here.

Two dudes, one girl, same guy

After 3 months, guy decides that he isn't 'transgender after all.' Don Ennis is an ABC News Editor and has been living his life as woman since May. Ennis, who had been going by Dawn since his change, claims he suffered a two day amnesia. When he came out of it, he realized he was no longer a woman. In an email to his colleagues, Ennis said, “I accused my wife of playing some kind of cruel joke, dressing me up in a wig and bra and making fake ID’s with the name ‘Dawn’ on it." Ennis realized it wasn't a joke when he saw his breasts. He developed the breasts by being a little pudgy and by taking female hormones. Ennis says his memories have returned, but his identity as Dawn did not return. “I am writing to let you know I’m changing my name . . . to Don Ennis. That will be my name again, now and forever. And it appears I’m not transgender after all."

2-year-old kid is best man at his parents wedding, dies two days later, I read the story and decided my first thoughts on the story makes me an asshole.

That's it. That's the news.

Marty and The News

It's only been a day since I last reported news. News is happening at a record pace. I'm doing my best to keep up. Let's not waste any more time.

Tim Cook angers iPhone users even more. Steve Jobs thinks about coming back to life and running Apple again. Reminiscent of the signal issue that the iPhone 4 had, Apple holds press conference to talk about an issue with their new phone. This time for their attempt at maps. But unlike with the signal issue, where they blamed people for holding the phone wrong. Apple took blame this time. The weak Tim Cook apologized for the piss-poor app. Then suggested alternative apps to use. One of the apps Cook suggested was Waze. What the hell is Waze? Apple users are left bewildered and angered at the Waze suggestion.

Romney face

Poll finds that Mitt Romney is less favorable than George W. Bush. Upon learning the news, Romney tried to stick to his plan of distancing himself from Bush. "I'm not familiar with this George guy," Romney claimed. Bush reacted with glee. "All right," said Bush while giving two thumbs up. "Looks like I have a good chance at winning."

This gentleman is holding his phone correctly for shooting video

It happened again. Teens take video of them beating a mentally challenged woman. These attacks seem common place these days. They like to post the videos on Facebook too. Which is a travesty. The videos are always shot in portrait. Stop recording video in portrait. It doesn't matter how you take pictures, but video should always be shot in landscape. Today's youth are failing this country.


Sick and tired of the small lunch portions, students plan a cafeteria boycott. A strategy session was held on Thursday to discuss the possible strike. One student had this to say, "This year you’re eating lunch and you’re like ‘Did I even eat?’ You’re not even full." He even went as far to say, "if somebody’s obese why should someone like me who’s not obese have to suffer, and eat a small meal when I’d rather have a bigger meal?" Answer that, Obama. The students are blaming Obama for the small meals.

How come you can say definitively say that this guy shot himself, but you have to say he allegedly shot the other 4 people? Oh, this guy lost his job, went back to the office, shot and killed 4 people before killing himself. You know the routine.

Hey ladies, stop your bitching and start doing the housework. Study finds that couples are more likely to divorce when they share the housework duties. The best marriages are those in which the woman do the housework. "The more a man does in the home, the higher the divorce rate," says this one guy.

Man sends sext message to two teen girls and every other contact in his phone. Craig Evans claims the sext was meant for his girlfriend. Evans was most likely really hard up. The good news is, he'll be able to get some of his frustrations out in jail. Where he'll be spending the next 18 months for the sext.

Man teaches his teenage son to not rob houses by shooting and killing him in the act. Jeffrey Giuliano received a call from his neighbor who believed someone was trying to break into her house. Giuliano went to check it out with his gun in hand. He found a masked man who was attempting entry into the house. Giuliano claims the masked man came at him with a silver object. Giuliano shot and killed the man. Turns out the masked man was Giuliano's teenage son.

Jimmy Hoffa may be buried under a driveway in Michigan. They're going to dig up the driveway today to find out. Because for some reason, it still matters where Jimmy Hoffa is, even though no one has seen him for nearly 40 years.

Arnold Schwarzenegger manages to only get one movie title into the title of his book. Schwarzenegger's memoir is titled, 'Total Recall: My Unbelievably True Life Story.' Schwarzenegger regrets only being able to get one movie title into the book title. Schwarzenegger had this to say, "I wanted more than one. I just couldn't figure it out. I was able to get true into the title. I just couldn't figure out how lies would fit in. I've never lied."

That's it. That's the news.