February 26th Edition

Four million people have signed up for Obamacare, George W. Bush is surprised half the country has already signed up. The number of people that have signed up for Obamacare are very low, but not according to one former President. "Wow!" Said Bush. "Four million, already. I didn't think that many people would sign up for that Obamacare. Boy was I wrong. Half the country has already signed up." Bush was only off on the population of the United States by roughly 306 million. Since making his comments, Bush has taken to Twitter to explain that he was joking. "My comments on Obamacare were a joke. What do they call it, sarcasm? I was being sarcasm," tweeted Bush.

Another fast food patron looks at their receipt too closely. An alarming trend of customers looking to closely at their receipt has griped the country. In the old days, nobody looked at their receipt. Except in the rare circumstances they forgot their order number. "Bitch ass hoes."That's the name that left an elderly grandmother in tears. A Burger King employee printed the name on elderly woman's receipt. Apparently because the elderly woman and her granddaughter were being "bitch ass hoes." The manger of the Burger King told the woman that she shouldn't have looked at the receipt.

Random cat picture

Former New England Patriots turned probable murder, Aaron Hernandez, beats up guy in prison. TMZ reports that inmate was harassing Hernandez, so he had it coming.

Woman tricks boyfriend into killing himself under the guise of gun safety. Sarah was fed up with her boyfriends douchey ways and wanted to put an end to him. She didn't want to do it herself however, so she devised a plan for him to kill himself. For days on end, Sarah constantly nagged and complained about his guns and how unsafe they were to have in the house. Especially around their children. The boyfriend eventually set out to show her how safe the guns were. He grabbed his three guns and pointed each one to his head and pulled the trigger. What he didn't know, is that Sarah had put a bullet in one of the guns a few days prior. The first two gun did nothing when the man pulled the trigger. Sarah even played along and had him point the second gun at her and pull the trigger after nothing happened when he pointed it at himself. Sarah was in the middle of apologizing for saying the guns weren't safe when her boyfriend killed himself by pointing the third gun at his head and pulling the trigger.

NFL may move Super Bowl from Arizona if anti-gay is passed, Arizona wouldn't let Super Bowl take place if Michael Sam's team were in it. The bill isn't just anti-gay, it's anti-whatever-the-hell-you-want. If it's against your religious beliefs for people to wear hats, you can refuse service to those wearing hats. Hate women? Well good news for you. You don't have to let them live in your apartment complex. As long as you belong to a religion that hates women. Which is most of them. The NFL doesn't like the law and is using the threat of taking the Super Bowl away as a deterrent to passing it. If the Super Bowl were moved from Arizona, where it is scheduled to be played in 2015, the state would lose hundreds of millions of dollars in revenue. Lawmakers in Arizona aren't scared however. They say it's the NFL that is scared. Under the law, Arizona could refuse at the last minute to let the Super Bowl take place if they wanted . One scenario where Arizona would stop the Super Bowl is if the team who drafts openly gay player, Michael Sam, were to make the Super Bowl.

High School senior is suspended because his dad is merely a lowly fisherman. David Duren-Sanner attends a prestigious high school in Tennessee. Most of the kids parents are doctors, lawyers are television celebrities. David's mom is a lawyer and that is how he got into the school. School officials assumed she was a single mother because she never mentioned a husband when enrolling David into the school. But when a man smelling of fish came to pick up David from school last month, the school grew suspicious. The school looked into it and it turns out the fishy man is David's father. The school informed David he would be suspended from the school for 10-days because of his father's job. According to the school, the only reason David wasn't expelled is because he was so close to graduating and his last name is hyphenated, so people will know that he is the son of the lawyer lady in town.

That's it. That's the news.

February 21st Edition

Arizona passes some kind of Bill that people are upset about. All the Bill says is that people now have the right to refuse to do things if it's against the religious beliefs. An example would be if you were a restaurant owner who believed gay people shouldn't eat steak, you could force them to eat chicken instead. But that gay guy could in turn say it's against his religion to pay for chicken that he eats. I think that is how the Bill, that will likely become law, works.

Gap loudly raises minimum wage for workers in America, quietly lowers wages for workers in Bangladesh. Gap announced that by 2015 the minimum wage for all their employees would be $10 an hour. Critics of Gap have been giving praises all week because of the announcement. Gay has been criticized in the past for the way they treat their workers in Bangladesh. What Gap forgot to mention, is that the wage increase only applies to it's American employees. The workers in Bangladesh will see a decrease in pay. Gap currently pays them $7 a day. By 2015 that will be down to $3.50 a day to offset the wage increase in America.

Surgeon, druggie, cookie lover? All three?

Girl Scout sells cookies to guy in surgical gloves outside of marijuana dispensary. Rumors have been running rampant about who the man in surgical gloves is. Most agree on the fact that he is clearly a surgeon who left in the middle of surgery. They disagree on why he left while performing surgery. Was he leaving to buy some pot? Was he leaving to buy Girl Scout cookies? Was he leaving to buy both? Whatever the reason, he clearly left in the middle of surgery and happened to find a place that sold both Girl Scout cookies and pot within feet of each other. The man clearly looks interested in the cookies. Is it because he is high? What kind of surgery was the man performing? Nothing but questions surround the circumstances behind this picture. A very select few say the man works at the dispensary and he handles the marijuana with surgical gloves. Feh!

January was record breaking warm, America was cold and doesn't care. Last month was the fourth warmest January since 1880. That's when accurate records on global temperatures started being kept. America was really cold though. Most Americans are taking to the streets and protesting the claim of January being a very hot month. "I was in America for all of January," says Charles Smith. "And last I checked, America was a part of the world. I was cold as shit all month. So unless they decided to make America not be a part of the world, they can take their findings and shove 'em up their asses. Hot my ass."

Woman denies husband's request for her to hook up with his sisters by calling 911. An old man asked his somewhat-less-old wife if she'd have sex with his sisters. The lady was appalled by the request and called 911 to see if they could do anything.  They could not.  It's not known if the man's sisters were in on the request, or if they followed through without her.

Boy regrets carving swastika into his forehead, blames friends. Portland, Oregon teenager Dustin Murrain claims this friends took him into a shed, shot him with a BB gun, hit him with a crowbar and then carved a swastika into his forehead. Murrain's friends claim he's been talking about carving the swastika into his forehead himself for several months. This is only news because it happened in Portland. This kind of stuff happens daily in the South.

That's it. That's the news.