Marty And The News

Skipped yesterdays news. The only thing that happened was that Obama said some stuff.

News now.

Millions with cancer return to believing they will never accomplish anything in life. Oprah has confirmed that Lance Armstrong confesses to doping in the two part interview that airs later this week. Armstrong won the Tour de France 7 times after being diagnosed with testicular cancer and losing a testicle. Armstrong gave hope to millions of cancer patients. Everyone believed Armstrong's win came about through hard work and dedication. Even though, it was widely believed everyone else was doping. Word of Armstrong's confession has devastated many. Charles Smith was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer 2 years ago. Armstrong was his inspiration. "When I learned of my cancer, I was devastated," says Smith. "I thought my life was over. Then I remembered Lance. I wanted to be like him. I started training for the big tri-county bike race this summer. But now, I know I can't do it. The man's a fraud. What the hell is the point?"

Greatest of all-time

Hard to believe that it's been 5 years since Heath 'The Legend' Ledger died. You'll always be in our hearts. Celebrate his life on January 22nd.

Lady steals train, crashes into apartment building. Say what you want about terrorists, but at least when they hi-jack things, they have taken the time to learn how to operate them.

May throw in the towel

The ESPN anchor with the weird eye has revealed that his cancer has returned, doesn't know if he can fight it this time. Stuart Scott has been fighting cancer since 2007. Despite undergoing chemotherapy treatment in 2008 and 2011, Scott didn't let it get in the way of his on-air responsibilities. Scott isn't so sure he can do it again. "I had Lance Armstrong to look up to before," says Scott. "That really motivated me. Now I have no one. I just don't believe I can do it anymore. What the hell is the point?"

Football player doesn't understand why cops want to talk to him. Kenny Britt dropped his friend off at the hospital after his friend had been stabbed at a party. Britt immediately returned to the party. Police are now wanting Britt to come in for questioning. "What the hell they want to talk to me for?" Said Britt. "I ain't the fool who almost ruined the party."

That's it. That's the news.

Marty and The News

For some reason I'm still here, and so is the news.

Dead Fidel 'reading' the paper

Fidel Castro gets 'Weekend at Bernie's' treatment in an attempt to prove he is still alive. It's a well know fact that Castro has been dead for at least three years, possibly longer. Family of Castro continues to deny his death. They have been carrying around his dead body for three years, as if he never died. They recently released some photos of 'Dead Fidel' in various poses to try and show people that he is still alive. It's unclear as to whether or not the family knows Castro is dead. Some experts say they could be going through an extended phase of denial and actually think the 'Dead Fidel' they carry around is alive.

NEWS ALERT!!! People who complain about the stuff they do, probably aren't doing it to the extent they say they do.

Police surprised to find that suspect had history of violence. Wisconsin police have been investigating a man who killed three, and wounded four, before then killing himself at a day spa. "I assumed we were looking at an upstanding individual," says Police Chief Bill Yardley, "but it appears that isn't the case." Radcliffe Haughton was arrested a week before the spa shootings for slashing his wife's tires and had threatened to throw acid in his wife's face on several occasions.

Here is another helpful tip on how to get your socks white again.

Underground fantasy league at Californian high school celebrates five year anniversary. "When I started the league in 2007, I never expected the league to take off like it has," says league creator Mike Marshall. "The Fantasy Slut League is still alive kicking and I couldn't be more proud." The rules of the league are quite simple. Girls are 'drafted' onto a team, and whenever anyone does anything sexual with one of the girls, whatever team she is on gets points equivalent to whatever the act was.

This photo now haunts Armstrong

Lance Armstrong now regrets posing for ironic 'sad face' picture. Armstrong posed for the picture minutes after one of his seven Tour de France victories. A reporter at the finish line asked Armstrong how he felt about the victory. Armstrong looked into the camera and made an ironic and comically sad 'sad face.' Reporters, fans, cyclists and even Armstrong himself had a good chuckle over the face. Those who didn't even see the face laughed as well, just because everyone else was. Now that Armstrong has lost several sponsorships and been stripped of every one of his seven Tour de France wins, the picture is now being used in an unironic way.

It's time for everyone's favorite segment, Who Got Shot In The Face Today?' Sadly, today's participant was shot in the shoulder and not the face. That's close enough though. A 9-year-old girl was shot by a family member who thought she was a skunk.

Sandra Fluke, of Rush Limbaugh calling her a a 'slut' and a 'prostitute' fame, speaks in front of 10 people. The event was held at a Sak 'N Save grocery store in Reno, Nevada. Fluke now claims that no event was planned. The ten people asked her to talk. Fluke was just their do her grocery shopping, but felt she had the responsibility to talk to these people if that's what they wanted. However, if you look at Fluke's Facebook page, it's clear the event at the Sak 'N Save was planned weeks in advance. She posted this hours before the event, "Hey guys, about to speak at the Sak 'N Save in Reno. It's going to be crowded, so get there early."

Donald Trump is almost as desperate for Twitter followers, as 'Fox and Friends' is for taking a phone call from Donald Trump. Trump called 'Fox and Friends,' who gladly put him on the air, to announce that he has something really big about Obama to announce. Trump will be making the announcement on his Twitter account. He wouldn't say when, but did say he would make the announcement by Wednesday. The on air phone call ended with 'Fox and Friends' telling Trump to call back tomorrow and anytime after that.

This is both the funniest and saddest lede paragraph of all time.

An unidentified man who had been riding in an electric wheelchair caught on fire Saturday afternoon and died.

 Hey guys, Adele wasn't fat, she was just pregnant.

That's it. That's the news.