Marty and The News

News called in sick yesterday. I was all ready to report it, but it never showed up. It will be reprimanded appropriately. As for now, it's back.

Robin Roberts shows up in the news. Millions of Americans ponder about where they know that name from. "I've heard that name," said Charles Smith, a man we found on the street. "Who is she? Why do I know that name? What does she do?" Smith stood on the street for five minutes trying to figure it out. Finally giving up and looking it up on his phone. "Oh, that lady. That's right."

"That lady fat" - Charles Smith

Marya Rosales disappointed to find out she is only one of the fattest women in the world, goes on eating binge. Rosales has been spending her whole life trying to become the fattest woman in the world. Upon reaching 1,100 pounds, she thought she had done it. Unfortunately, her weight just puts her among a handful of other fat woman. Rosales has locked herself in her room and is eating until her goal is reached.

Americans confused as 'Bad News Bears' actress dies at the age of 20. "Really?" Said Charles Smith. "Isn't that movie almost 40 years old?" When it was pointed out to Smith that she acted in 'Bad News Bears,' not 'The Bad News Bears,' Smith became more confused.

Uma Thurman and others to have sex in movie. Usually sex scenes are just simulated in movies, but a new Lars Von Trier film is going to have the actors and actresses actually performing the acts. "Nice," says Charles Smith. Smith's excitement died down when he learned that Shia LaBeouf would be involved in many of the sex scenes. "Oh, never mind."

Airport loses more than just luggage. Edward Rysiewicz has been flying on airplanes for years. He's been very unlucky when it comes to the airlines losing his luggage. "Happens all the time, says Rysiewicz. "It's gotten to the point where I jokingly wave goodbye and say 'see you in three weeks' to my luggage when I check it. Most of the time I don't see it again for three weeks. I feel like the airlines are messing with me, but now they've taken it to far." The airport lost Rysiewicz' daughter, Jeanne, while they were waiting in line to board their plane. Charles Smith declined to comment due to the fact that he has never flown.

Executioners in Texas show they have a sense of humor. When Jonathan Green said 'I never killed anyone,' moments before he was to be put to death by lethal injection, he didn't know he was going to be given the opportunity to kill someone before being put to death. Texas executioners let Green put the lethal needle into his arm. A task that is usually performed by a doctor. "It took him almost 15 attempts to get his vein," said one executioner, "but he got it. Can't claim he hasn't killed anyone now. Can't claim much of anything. Because he's dead." The man then laughed a lot. Charles Smith could not be reached for a comment.

Google Chairman, Eric Schmidt, complains about Apple Maps. "It just keeps messing up," said Schmidt. "It never gets me to where I need to be. I've been late to every metting for like two weeks. Other than that, I enjoy the phone." When we contacted Charles Smith he said, "Why is he using an iPhone? Did you ask him that?" We've tried to contact Schmidt again, but he won't returen our calls or reply to our emails. Other Google employees say Schmidt is still trying to use his phone to figure out where to catch the bus and then he'll get back to us shortly.

Harvard student who can't get into 'Incest-Fest' is devastated.

According to Marlo Thomas, women are dying during mammogram exams.

Tulane University finds that mice can sing. Mice everywhere start forming barber shop quartets. "Better than whatever that music is my son listens to," says Charles Smith.

That's it. That's the news.

Marty and The News

It's only been a day since I last reported news. News is happening at a record pace. I'm doing my best to keep up. Let's not waste any more time.

Tim Cook angers iPhone users even more. Steve Jobs thinks about coming back to life and running Apple again. Reminiscent of the signal issue that the iPhone 4 had, Apple holds press conference to talk about an issue with their new phone. This time for their attempt at maps. But unlike with the signal issue, where they blamed people for holding the phone wrong. Apple took blame this time. The weak Tim Cook apologized for the piss-poor app. Then suggested alternative apps to use. One of the apps Cook suggested was Waze. What the hell is Waze? Apple users are left bewildered and angered at the Waze suggestion.

Romney face

Poll finds that Mitt Romney is less favorable than George W. Bush. Upon learning the news, Romney tried to stick to his plan of distancing himself from Bush. "I'm not familiar with this George guy," Romney claimed. Bush reacted with glee. "All right," said Bush while giving two thumbs up. "Looks like I have a good chance at winning."

This gentleman is holding his phone correctly for shooting video

It happened again. Teens take video of them beating a mentally challenged woman. These attacks seem common place these days. They like to post the videos on Facebook too. Which is a travesty. The videos are always shot in portrait. Stop recording video in portrait. It doesn't matter how you take pictures, but video should always be shot in landscape. Today's youth are failing this country.


Sick and tired of the small lunch portions, students plan a cafeteria boycott. A strategy session was held on Thursday to discuss the possible strike. One student had this to say, "This year you’re eating lunch and you’re like ‘Did I even eat?’ You’re not even full." He even went as far to say, "if somebody’s obese why should someone like me who’s not obese have to suffer, and eat a small meal when I’d rather have a bigger meal?" Answer that, Obama. The students are blaming Obama for the small meals.

How come you can say definitively say that this guy shot himself, but you have to say he allegedly shot the other 4 people? Oh, this guy lost his job, went back to the office, shot and killed 4 people before killing himself. You know the routine.

Hey ladies, stop your bitching and start doing the housework. Study finds that couples are more likely to divorce when they share the housework duties. The best marriages are those in which the woman do the housework. "The more a man does in the home, the higher the divorce rate," says this one guy.

Man sends sext message to two teen girls and every other contact in his phone. Craig Evans claims the sext was meant for his girlfriend. Evans was most likely really hard up. The good news is, he'll be able to get some of his frustrations out in jail. Where he'll be spending the next 18 months for the sext.

Man teaches his teenage son to not rob houses by shooting and killing him in the act. Jeffrey Giuliano received a call from his neighbor who believed someone was trying to break into her house. Giuliano went to check it out with his gun in hand. He found a masked man who was attempting entry into the house. Giuliano claims the masked man came at him with a silver object. Giuliano shot and killed the man. Turns out the masked man was Giuliano's teenage son.

Jimmy Hoffa may be buried under a driveway in Michigan. They're going to dig up the driveway today to find out. Because for some reason, it still matters where Jimmy Hoffa is, even though no one has seen him for nearly 40 years.

Arnold Schwarzenegger manages to only get one movie title into the title of his book. Schwarzenegger's memoir is titled, 'Total Recall: My Unbelievably True Life Story.' Schwarzenegger regrets only being able to get one movie title into the book title. Schwarzenegger had this to say, "I wanted more than one. I just couldn't figure it out. I was able to get true into the title. I just couldn't figure out how lies would fit in. I've never lied."

That's it. That's the news.