Marty and The News: August 2nd Edition

Ellen DeGeneres to host 2014 Oscars. Looks like the Oscars won't have any jokes this year. If that's the case, I don't have to make jokes about this. Just kidding. Ellen is great! Dance party!

House Republicans keep voting to repeal Obamacare, jokes fired. This is the 40th time House Republicans have voted to repeal Obamacare. Not one of the 40 votes have meant anything. A few Democrats took to the floor to roast the Republicans and their frivolous vote. Rep. John Dingell (D-Mich.), opened the roast by saying, "I suspect we don't want to call them the Republicans anymore, but I think we ought to call them the Repeal-icans. Or perhaps the Repeal-ican'ts, because they've never been able to repeal anything." Oh snap! That joke can't be topped. The roast should have ended there, but that didn't stop a few Democrats from embarrassing themselves. "They have one alternative to Obamacare. It's called NothingCare," joked Rep. Lloyd Doggett (D-Texas). Rep. Mike Thompson (D-Calif.) laid the stinker of the night when he said, "we've seen this movie before." Just embarrassing, Doggett and Thompson. Nice job, Dingell

Not Related

Nick Cannon thinks he is related to Amanda Bynes. Cannon has asked for Bynes to reach out to 'her family' in her time of need. Despite him being black and Bynes being white, Cannon is referring to himself when he says family. Cannon believes they are family, because they were both on Nickelodeon at the same time. Bynes is upset that it's been 15 years since they hooked up and this is the first time Cannon has ever tried to contact her. 

Raven-Symone "can finally get married," thanks Government. Symone took to Twitter earlier today to say, "I can finally get married! Yay government! So proud of you." It's not known if she is referring to the Supreme Court's decision in June to overturn the Defense of Marriage Act or the 1967 Supreme Court decision that deemed anti-miscegenation laws unconstitutional. It's murky as to whether Symone announced that she is lesbian, is in love with someone from another race, or perhaps both. Either way, she is late in thanking the Government. Symone also could have made her thanks mean a little more by thanking the Supreme Court and not just the Government in general.

College issues apology after its president refers to minorities as "dark ones." Hillsdale College President Larry Arnn was technically correct when he called minorities "dark ones," but the College still issued an apology. The apology states that "no offense was intended by the use of that term, except to the offending bureaucrats." Arnn was even less apologetic in his statement. “The State of Michigan sent a group of people down to my campus, with clipboards ... to look at the colors of people’s faces and write down what they saw. We don’t keep records of that information. What were they looking for besides dark ones?"

Colin Powell denies having sex with vaguely attractive Romanian lady. Powell is being accused of having an affair with Romanian diplomat Corina Cretu. Despite exchanging emails and Facebook messages with Cretu for over 10 years, Powell insists that he has been nothing but faithful to his wife Alma. You be the judge.

Colin and his wife Alma

The much more attractive Corina Cretu

Even the ladies got involved

Taiwanese lawmakers come to blows, waste water, over nuclear power. What was supposed to be a meeting to decide if a nuclear power plant should be built, turned to violence when a decision couldn't be agreed upon. Punches were thrown and numerous bottles of water were emptied. 

One lawmaker throws punch as another wears a sweet headband

Texas running low on lethal injection drug, just going to start shooting people.

That's it. That's the news.

Marty and The News

News called in sick yesterday. I was all ready to report it, but it never showed up. It will be reprimanded appropriately. As for now, it's back.

Robin Roberts shows up in the news. Millions of Americans ponder about where they know that name from. "I've heard that name," said Charles Smith, a man we found on the street. "Who is she? Why do I know that name? What does she do?" Smith stood on the street for five minutes trying to figure it out. Finally giving up and looking it up on his phone. "Oh, that lady. That's right."

"That lady fat" - Charles Smith

Marya Rosales disappointed to find out she is only one of the fattest women in the world, goes on eating binge. Rosales has been spending her whole life trying to become the fattest woman in the world. Upon reaching 1,100 pounds, she thought she had done it. Unfortunately, her weight just puts her among a handful of other fat woman. Rosales has locked herself in her room and is eating until her goal is reached.

Americans confused as 'Bad News Bears' actress dies at the age of 20. "Really?" Said Charles Smith. "Isn't that movie almost 40 years old?" When it was pointed out to Smith that she acted in 'Bad News Bears,' not 'The Bad News Bears,' Smith became more confused.

Uma Thurman and others to have sex in movie. Usually sex scenes are just simulated in movies, but a new Lars Von Trier film is going to have the actors and actresses actually performing the acts. "Nice," says Charles Smith. Smith's excitement died down when he learned that Shia LaBeouf would be involved in many of the sex scenes. "Oh, never mind."

Airport loses more than just luggage. Edward Rysiewicz has been flying on airplanes for years. He's been very unlucky when it comes to the airlines losing his luggage. "Happens all the time, says Rysiewicz. "It's gotten to the point where I jokingly wave goodbye and say 'see you in three weeks' to my luggage when I check it. Most of the time I don't see it again for three weeks. I feel like the airlines are messing with me, but now they've taken it to far." The airport lost Rysiewicz' daughter, Jeanne, while they were waiting in line to board their plane. Charles Smith declined to comment due to the fact that he has never flown.

Executioners in Texas show they have a sense of humor. When Jonathan Green said 'I never killed anyone,' moments before he was to be put to death by lethal injection, he didn't know he was going to be given the opportunity to kill someone before being put to death. Texas executioners let Green put the lethal needle into his arm. A task that is usually performed by a doctor. "It took him almost 15 attempts to get his vein," said one executioner, "but he got it. Can't claim he hasn't killed anyone now. Can't claim much of anything. Because he's dead." The man then laughed a lot. Charles Smith could not be reached for a comment.

Google Chairman, Eric Schmidt, complains about Apple Maps. "It just keeps messing up," said Schmidt. "It never gets me to where I need to be. I've been late to every metting for like two weeks. Other than that, I enjoy the phone." When we contacted Charles Smith he said, "Why is he using an iPhone? Did you ask him that?" We've tried to contact Schmidt again, but he won't returen our calls or reply to our emails. Other Google employees say Schmidt is still trying to use his phone to figure out where to catch the bus and then he'll get back to us shortly.

Harvard student who can't get into 'Incest-Fest' is devastated.

According to Marlo Thomas, women are dying during mammogram exams.

Tulane University finds that mice can sing. Mice everywhere start forming barber shop quartets. "Better than whatever that music is my son listens to," says Charles Smith.

That's it. That's the news.