August 19th Edition

Guy says he is going to publish secrets about Britain. Glenn Greenwald is the journalist who first published the secrets that Edward Snowden leaked. Greenwald is a little upset that Snowden has been getting all the press for those leaks. But what really riled him up, was that authorities in Britain asked his partner, David Miranda, questions for 9 hours. "No one asks my man questions that long, but me," said Greenwald. Greenwald says Britain will be sorry for asking his partner questions, but it appears the only secrets he has are about how most people there freely toss around the C-word and a list of people who regularly brush their teeth.

Lawyers for Oscar Pistorius tell him to lose the blades. Pistorius was in court earlier today to be indicted for murder. This was the first time his defense team got a good look at how the prosecution is going to pursue the case. Lawyers for Pistorius are scared this thing is over. They've decided the only shot they have is to heavily play up the sympathy angle. "It's the only choice we have," said his head lawyer Charles Smith. "They have a good case against him. When I first approached Oscar about the sympathy angle, he was reluctant. He asked if he could just wear some shorts that show that he is walking around on blades. I had to inform him that we can't have people using the word blades so much in a murder trial. You also can't wear shorts in a court room. I finally talked him into taking of the blades and using a wheelchair. If we can somehow convince the jury that Oscar is incapable of walking around in his condition, we may have a chance."

Chris Christie signs gay conversion therapy ban, but only for teens. On the surface, this looks like a good thing for Christie to do. But the ban only covers people under 18. The ban does nothing to protect those over 18 from being converted to straighthood.

One way to keep an erection.

Fork found in man's penis, claims he slipped and fell. A 70-year-old man was rushed to the hospital after getting a fork in his penis. The man stands by his story of slipping on some grease in the kitchen and falling on a fork. The man's girlfriend tells another story. "He had some trouble maintaing an erection while we were copulating," says Berta Rose. "I told him not to, but he insisted the fork would keep him erect."

Train driver in India hits and kills 37, attacked by mob who also sets train on fire, passenger misses important business meeting. Charles Smith was on his way to a very important business meeting. The meeting was likely to yield his company millions of dollars in contracts. Smith's company lost out on the contracts and he is now jobless.

12-year-old girl attacked by bear in latest bear-pocalypse attack. That makes 7 bear attacks since Thursday. Officials are reminding people to play dead when being attacked by a bear. Do not try to stop the bear attack by petting it, as this girl did before finally playing dead. No one died in the recent bear attacks. Bear experts say the bears are probably just practicing before they release a full-fledged bear-pocalypse.

That's it. That's the news.

Sunday Edition

Journalists are angering Egyptian Government, come under attack. The government is complaining that their coverage is bias. One journalist has already been hit in the head with a really long stick. This journalist says, 'bring it on, bitches."

Ice swan

Chris Christie reportedly doesn't want Rand Paul at his party. When asked why, Christie said, "Oh, we don't have room." Paul responded with, "The party is big enough for both of us." Party goers say Christie was correct in saying the party didn't have room. One man describes the scene. "The invitations said the party starts at 8pm," says party participant Charles Smith. "Most everyone was there a little before 8. Some trickled in 5 to 10 minutes late, but by 8:15, there was literally no more room. No one else could fit in there. It wasn't that Christie didn't want certain people in. The room was just too packed. So when Rand Paul strolled up at 9:02, like some kind of big shot, he just wouldn't have physically fit inside that room. It was nothing against the man personally. If he had shown up on time, Christie would have welcomed him with open arms. Had the ice sculpture swan been taken out, there might have been enough room for Rand, but that swam was cool. It was all anybody talked about. There is no way it was being taken out."

New Jersey Governor Chris Christie vetoes .50 caliber rifle ban, would "only interfere with lawful recreational pastimes." Christie says he vetoed the ban because a .50 caliber rifle has never been used criminally in the state of New Jersey. The ban "will not further public safety," says Christie. Christie pointed to the fact that every single weapon people used in crimes is already in use by criminals to support his veto. Criminals will never bring a new weapon into their arsenal, he claimed. Criminals in New Jersey signed a 'no new weapons' treaty in 2007. The treaty states that if a weapon hadn't been used for criminal activity prior to 2007, criminals could not adopt such a weapon for future crimes.

Fearing he'll never have another hit song again, Robin Thicke sues Marvin Gaye's family, vows to ride 'Blurred Lines' gravy train out to the end and not let the Gaye's derail it. All Gaye's family did was state that 'Blurred Lines' sounds similar to Marvin's song 'Got To Give It Up.' Thicke feels that his song is under attack and has decided to sue the Gaye family. The only thing Thicke is looking for from this lawsuit is for the Gaye family to say the two songs don't sound similar, which they do. He also wants to make sure the family can't come after him for copyright infringement. Something the Gaye family hasn't done yet and is not planning on doing. As of now, they have just stated the songs sound similar and Thicke freaked the fuck out. We'll have more as this develops.

This map can't be real

Map reveals that New York City's wealth is not distributed evenly across the city as previously thought. Conventional wisdom has said that everyone in New York City has roughly the same amount of money. Nickolay Lamm has turned that conventional wisdom upside down with his new map of the city. In his map, Lamm shows how high buildings would be if they represented how much money the people who live in that area make. The maps results are very shocking. It turns out that some New Yorkers just aren't as rich as others.

Racy Commercial

Woman takes picture of her TV screen, writes blog. "The GMA segment went to commercial," the woman wrote. "And then, wham. Confusion. Disbelief. Did that just flash on my TV screen? In front of 8-year-old Andy?!" I cannot ever be okay with naked people having sex in the middle of ‘Good Morning America.’" The woman went on to say she is ok with clothed people having sex during 'Good Morning America,' or naked people having sex when 'Good Morning America' is over. She is also very concerned about Andy, despite not having any kids named Andy. Her kids are Rebecca and Dale.

Newark Mayor Cory Booker isn't black enough. Or something like the. It was hard to read. Apparently, the way he says 'B' has something to do with how black he is. 

British police don't like Kate Middleton, start looking into whether or not Diana is really dead. Not liking how Middleton does things, police are looking further into Diana's 1997 death in hopes that it was an elaborate hoax. "We need a princess that knows what she is doing," said one officer under anonymity. "Kate is just stupid. Diana was great."

Germany to offer new gender option. The days of only selecting Male or Female on your birth certificate are over. Parents in Germany can now select 'blank' while filling out a birth certificate. The move was made because many parents were taking too long to select a gender when filling out their new child's birth certificate. German Doctor Charles Smith weighed in. "Some of these people were just wasting hospital resources. They were taking too long to fill out these birth certificates. They would be in the hospital room longer than necessary and be served meals during that time. One couple stared at that birth certificate for two days before finally selecting female. That was after we showed them the child's penis several times."

Dog that was mistaken for African Lion

Zoo in China discovers their African Lion is really just a dog. The zoo discovered their mistake when the "lion" started barking. This isn't the first time the Chinese zoo has made this mistake. What they thought were snakes, were really just rodents. They've mistaken a white fox for a leopard. And at one time, thought a common dog was a wolf. “The zoo is absolutely cheating us,” said one zoo visitor. “They are trying to disguise the dogs as lions.” Zoo officials claim they aren't trying to cheat anyone. They just got confused and made a mistake.

That's It. That's the news.

Marty and The News: August 16th Edition

ALF as a panda

Baby Panda looks like ALF, mommy panda tries to eat it. The panda was born in Taiwan. It looks a lot like ALF. Click on the story link to see video of its mom trying to eat the panda.

Girl from That 70's show dies. Not that one. You're thinking of Mila Kunis. Lisa Robin Kelly died. No, that's Laura Prepon. No, the mom was Debra Jo Rupp. No, that's not a girl, but you're thinking of Topher Grace. She played his older sister. Yes, he had a sister.


Wrestler goes to airport to tell everyone he is gay. Darren Young, member of the tag team Prime Time Players, said he is "happy" and "here to please himself." Not clear if he was talking about the airport or being in the WWE.

Goofy looking guy

Goofy looking guy writes really long blog post on what he's learned about women, makes the news for some reason. Thor Lund usually just blogs about being vegan and training for a half marathon. He decided to take a break from that and talk about how the only way to get a woman to tell the truth is to get her naked. Among other things.

Derek Jeter engaged to DirecTV Genie? Probably.

Spy?

Cat may be a spy. Ok...

Guy complains about brownies in Ben & Jerry's ice cream, gets tour of factory. Scott White was so disappointed with the brownies in his Half Baked ice cream, that he wrote the company to tell them about it. In return, Ben and/or Jerry (probably someone else) wrote back and invited him to take a tour of the factory. White took the tour. "The tour was awesome," said White, "but it would be cool if they would just make the brownies taste better."


Kanye West shown on jumbotron at Dodgers game, gets booed. Robin Thicke got cheers when he was shown on the jumbotron. Nobody else shown on the jumbotron during the night got any reaction whatsoever.

Duck Dynasty star looks like homeless guy. One of those Duck Dynasty guys asked where the bathroom was while staying at a hotel in New York City. He was escorted out of the hotel because the hotel employee thought he was a homeless man. The bathroom is in your room, dumbass.

UPS plane crashes, pilots identified, no word yet on what happened to the packages.

Pepsi flavored Cheetos being sold in Japan. Proving again that Japan is number one.

Marty and The News: August 14th Edition

Egypt in a one-month state of emergency. With all the protests going on and deaths, the Government of Egypt had decided to declare a state of emergency for a whole month because they don't see it letting up soon. As of this report, 149 people have died. That number is expected to rise. By declaring a state of emergency, the Government has made it so someone has to be on the phone with 911 at all times. That's pretty much all a state of emergency means.

Pentagon to start giving benefits to gay spouses of Military people. All you have to do is show that you have a valid marriage certificate. If you are in a state where gay marriage isn't allowed, they will grant you leave so that you can go to a state where it is and get married. Straight people are not able to do that. The Pentagon claims this is because there are no states where you can't straight marry.

Two former bankers caught up in 'whale' scandal. Javier Martin-Artajo and Julien Grout used to work at JPMorgan Chase, but now they are facing charges for being involved in the "London Whale"scandal. This whole thing is very disappointing. Actual whales have no involvement in this scandal. It's just a bunch of money stuff. Nothing to see here. Keep it moving.

Successful couples enjoy each other. That's it. That's the number one secret for highly successful couples. What this means, is that if you are in a relationship with someone that you don't particularly enjoy, odds are, it isn't going to last. 

The ugly one is Susan Olsen

Susan Olsen turns 52, got ugly. Perhaps you know her better as Cindy Brady, of Brady Bunch fame. Actually, no perhaps. Of course you know her better as Cindy Brady. Celebrate by looking at a picture of how she has became the ugliest of the Brady women. 

Woman drives car. Apparently she was asleep and texting while driving. But her driving is impressive with or without her bing asleep. Fortunately, no one was harmed. Which is very uncommon. Normally when a woman is driving, numerous people are harmed.

Pregnant model wears 'lingerie' while a lady watching makes a stupid face

Pregnant models wear lingerie at fashion show, lady watching makes stupid face. Despite the models wearing what appears to just be Plain Jane bras and underoos, the show's producers decided to bill the show as models wearing lingerie. 

Rush Limbaugh calls Oprah fat, still wants to have sex with her. Limbaugh claims Oprah was told she couldn't afford a handbag because she is overweight. He could then be heard drooling and talking about 'that sweet ass.'

People who make drones want us to stop calling them drones. The drone industry made their request clear at the last drone industry convention. Drone manufactuers would like people to start calling them, "flying things that go real fast, crash into things and kill people, but not the pilot because the pilot is thousands of miles away using a controller to fly," or "The VROOOOOMMM!!! Kill Machine."

Football player, Robert Griffin III, wants gay players to just say they are gay so he knows for sure. Friends of RG3 say he is trying to avoid last year's embarrassment where he walked up to an unnamed, presumably gay player, and propositioned him for a romp in the shower room. It was widely believed that this player was 'super gay'. RG3 was shocked and dismayed to learn this was not the case.

Texas man tells wife "this will always be the happiest moment of my life" right after she gives birth, fears he might not be able to live up to this, kills himself.  The man shot himself in his wife's hospital room 3 1/2 hours after she gave birth. The baby was not present at the time. People in the hospital waiting room say he seemed 'extremely happy' following the birth, but also seemed very distraught. The man was reportedly talking to himself, saying things like "I'm really happy right now, but is this really going to be the happiest I will ever be?" The man shot himself shortly after this altercation with himself. The time his wife gave birth was the happiest moment of his life. 

That's it. That's the news.

Marty and The News: August 12th Edition

Joe Biden going to Iowa in September to get some steak fries. Apparently this means he might run for President in 2016. Or perhaps he is just not aware of bottomless steak fries at Red Robin.

Kris Jenner mad at Barack Obama, also unaware daughter got famous for having sex with Ray J. Jenner, of marrying Olympic hero Bruce Jenner and mom of Kim Kardashian fame, has her own talk show. Which is news in its self. Jenner used her show to yell at Obama for being critical of Kardashian's and Kanye West's 'over-the-top lifestyle.' Jenner said that Kardashian "is the hardest-working young lady in the world. She never sleeps, she never stops, she never slows down and works so hard for what she's got." Omitting the most important part of Kardashian's fame. Having sex on tape with Ray J. Also her butt.

Man shoots 9-year-old son and then himself at YWCA. Both died as a result of the gun shots. Why the two males were at a YWCA and not a YMCA is not clear. 

Lefty post surgery and missing a leg

Dog takes bullet for owner. Lefty the Pit Bull wasn't doing her job when she let four intruders enter her home. The intruders stole some stuff. When the owner of the home confronted the men, he was met with a gun. When fired at, Lefty sprang into action and took the bullet for her owner. Lefty lived and people on Facebook paid for her surgery. Lefty is now walking around just fine with three legs. 

U.S. Postal Service wants to deliver alcohol. That's pretty much the whole story. They think it will help them make money.  

Lesbian looking lady

Lesbian looking lady doesn't have sex for 12 years, writes book. Sophie Fontanel claims she was celibate by choice and that being so, made her happier. Friends of Fontanel say that it was because no one would have sex with her and that it wasn't from lack of trying. They also say she was a 'miserable bitch' to be around during those 12 years.

Oprah can't buy handbag in Zurich, even though she was in 'full Oprah Winfrey gear.' When Oprah asked to see the $42,000 handbag, she was told it was too expensive. Oprah was shocked because, even though she wasn't wearing her eye lashes, she was in 'full Oprah Winfrey gear.' What 'full Oprah Winfrey gear' means is beyond everyone.  

Black baseball player has banana thrown at him. Baltimore Orioles player Adam Jones claims that a fan threw a banana at him while playing center field. Most say the act was racist. Jones called the guy a jackass on Twitter. What hasn't been mentioned is that Jones suffers from Hypokalemia, a low-level of potassium. Bananas are known for their potassium. While bananas are a good source of potassium, Jones would have been better served had the fan thrown a potato, tomato, or clam. All of which are better sources of potassium than bananas and aren't as racist.

Elephants on their way to break some shit

Elephant herd in India destroys town after one of their own is hit and killed by train. Days after the elephant was struck by a train and killed, the elephant's friends and family returned to the site. At first they appeared to just be mourning the fellow elephant's death. They have now taken to destroying houses and a school. 

Spain forgets to put elevator in new 47-story building. The original plans for the building called for it to only have 20 floors. Builders decided to make it 47 instead. When they changed the plans, they forgot to make room for an elevator shaft. The building will be used for apartments. There is like 269, or something like that. Many of which have already been sold to people in other countries. No word yet on what they are going to do about the lack of an elevator. 

That's it. That's the news. 

Marty and The News: August 8th Edition

Sean Hannity bumped for hot chick. Rumor has it, Megyn Kelly will be moving from her daytime spot to Hannity's primetime spot. No word yet on what will happen with Hannity's show. Most TV pundits say the move is being made because Kelly is hotter than Hannity. It's reminiscent of Alan Colmes being asked to leave the show he used to be on with Hannity because he is 'off-putting.' When asked if he had heard the rumor, Hannity said, "Who? That bitch that can't spell Megyn?"

Cory Monteith was hanging out with sober friends when he died. The Glee star was loaded with a combination of alcohol and heroin when he died, but the three friends he was with were completely sober. The three friends he was with that night are described as 'positive influences' in his life. Had those positive influences not been around, Monteith likely would have taken more drugs that night. Luckily, his 'good' friends were around to tell him that he'd had enough. He died 20 minutes later.

Bowser once danced as a ManiAAC.

Man suspected of killing four is former Dallas Mavericks ManiAACs dancer, also has last name of Mario Brothers villain. Erbie Bowser is suspected of killing four people, at two different locations. Family of Bowser say he was looking for his girlfriend at both locations. He didn't find her, so he shot people instead. Along with four people being killed, four were injured. Those numbers are consistent with the man's namesake from Mario Brothers. Bowser only kills about 50% of the time and leaves people injured the other 50%. Law experts say his last name could hurt him if this goes to trial. "People already associate Bowser with evil," says lawyer Charles Smith. "The defense team is going to have a hard time with that." There are no winners in a case like this, but that didn't stop Dallas Mavericks owner Mark Cuban from saying there is. "No one knew the ManiAACs even existed before this," said Cuban. "This is great."

Man 'probably will' be dumped after killing girlfriend's son. Peter Hendy is accused of killing 4-year-old Kamari Zavon Taylor. Hendy reportedly disciplined Taylor for riding his scooter too far away from the house by punching him in the stomach several times. The boy's liver was lacerated from the punches and led to his death. Hendy left the house to sell marijuana and came back to find the boy dead. The boy's mom, and Hendy's girlfriend, was at work at the time of the incident. The boy's grandma, Azlea Taylor, says she hopes her daughter will dump Hendy this time. Azlea has wanted her daughther to dump Hendy for some time. She doesn't know for sure that she will this time, but says 'she probably will.'

Florida police use Taser to shoot and kill 18-year-old. Israel Hernandez-Llach was spray painting an abandoned fast-food joint when police spotted him. No word yet on which fast-food joint it used to be. It was probably a Subway. Subways are always going out of business. Police say Hernandez-Llach started running towards them, so an officer shot him in the chest with a Taser. He was pronounced dead at the hospital. Friends of Hernandez-Llach say he was from Columbia and liked art.

Youth baseball coach convicted of assault and sent to jail for 15 days for being a terrible pitcher. When parents of teenagers in Ellis County, Texas began to notice that their children were returning from baseball practice with several bruises, they grew suspicious. Some of the parents began spying on the practices. What they found was a terrible pitcher. Coach Ron Santos repeatedly hit his players with pitches. The pitches ranged in speeds of 60-80 MPH. After each bad pitch, Santos looked distraught. He was heard yelling at himself after hitting one player in the chest with a pitch."Come on Santos! Get it together! You're better than this shit!" Along with jail time, Santos must pay a fine, be under community supervision and produce a video on the dangers of being hit by a pitch. He is also not allowed to pitch to anyone for a full year. Which isn't going to make him a better pitcher.

Only two Wizard of Oz munchkins left. Margaret Pellegrini is the latest Munchkin to die. The original Wizard of Oz had 124 Munchkins. Jerry Maren and Ruth Duccini are the only two Munchkins left. Vegas has Duccini outliving Maren at 8-1 odds.



That's it. That's the news.

Marty and The News: August 7th Edition

Barack Obama cancels playdate with Vladimir Putin. The two world leaders had planned on doing some fishing and playing with those Russian dolls. Obama says he cancelled the playdate because Putin won't tell him where Edward Snowden is. Obama and Snowden have been playing hide and seek since May. Putin has also said that playing dolls 'is gay.' He said he'd shoot Obama 'in the face' if he tried to play 'with gay ass dolls.'  Obama is going to Sweden instead. Sweden doesn't know where Snowden is, but they do have some pretty sweet dolls.

Chris Brown, 'tired of being famous for a mistake,' quits music in hopes of beating women in anonymity. Brown says he'll release his next album, 'X', and then he'll quit music for good. Brown rose to fame because of his singing and dancing skills. He made headlines when he beat the shit out of Rihanna. He thinks he became famous because of hitting Rihanna. What Brown doesn't realize, is that if he wasn't already famous, no one would know about him beating the shit out of women. He'd just be a regular guy that never makes headlines and beats women. That's what Brown wants. He's sick of being a famous woman beater, so he's quitting the thing that made him famous in hopes that he can became a regular-woman-beater.

Tea Party is up to some shit again, say some Republicans. Republicans think they have a good chance to take control of the Senate, but the Tea Party zealots are ruining it, or something like that. Wasn't that Chris Brown story crazy?

Cabella

Man blows up dog because his ex 'put the devil in it,' won't face animal cruelty charges. Christopher W. Dillingham attached an explosive device around the dog's neck and detonated it. It's not known if he got the devil out of the dog, but he did get dog parts all over the yard. He also woke up all of his neighbors. One law enforcement official said he wasn't charged with animal cruelty because the dog died instantaneously. He has been charged with reckless endangerment and possession of an explosive device. Prosecutors say he still could be charged with animal cruelty.



Michael Phelps to write book, 'Everyone Pees In The Pool.' In an attempt to ride the success of the book, 'Everyone Poops,' Phelps is writing his own confessional book. 'Everyone Poops' was written by Taro Gomi in an attempt to make his pooping look normal. In the book, Gomi claims that everyone else poops too. Phelps recently admitted to peeing in the pool all the time and hopes the book will make it seem normal.

Willis out, Ford in, Stallone hardest working man in showbiz. Sylvester Stallone called Bruce Willis 'greedy and lazy' after kicking him out of Expendables 3. Willis appeared in the first two films. Stallone was excited to announce that Harrison Ford will be in the next installment of the Expendables. Proving that everyone in the movie really is expendable.

Photo man took before going back for wife

Magnetic polarity of the sun to flip. It does this every 11 years or so and no one know what it means or why it happens. "Maybe it just gets bored," says guy who goes outside a lot.

Man saves dog from sinking boat, takes picture, then goes back to save wife.





That's it. That's the news.