Marty And The News: July 3rd Edition

More news.

Porn Star?

Porn company wants Paula Deen to work for them. Thankfully, they have stipulated that under no circumstances, is she allowed to get naked.

Glenn Greenwald comes back from vacation and makes statement without looking at the news he missed first. It's still unclear as to who Greenwald is, but he somehow made his way on to Fox News. He announced that the world will be shocked by what the NSA is doing. Greenwald admits he has been on vacation for over a month and is not aware of anyone named Edward Snowden.

Ex-Gay Pride Month? The Family Research Council wants to make it so. They are even planning a dinner to help get the month rolling and to promote ex-gay rights. What rights they are fighting for is unclear.

Dennis Rodman unclear on how Nobel Peace Prize works. Because Rodman visited North Korea, he's demanding the Noble Peace Prize.

Not even Tim Tebow could stop Aaron Hernandez. In 2007, Tebow, aka Jesus, tried to break up a fight that Hernandez was involved in, but failed.

Video of man hitting cows having sex is way too long.  

There was no reason for that video to be 57 seconds long. Two seconds to establish that he is driving. Then the cows show up. Then show five seconds after the cows are hit mid-coitus. That's it. That's all we need. 

Man is convicted of sodomizing 14-year-old girl, kills himself. Neighbor regrets that he wasn't more clear with his instructions. When Steve Parsons was sitting on his neighbor's porch and saw a 14-year-old girl riding by on her bike, his words were "I'd tap that ass," according to his neighbor Charles Smith. Smith replied that Parsons should kill himself. Smith intended for Parsons to kill himself right then, not after he sodomized the girl. Smith has apologized to the girl's family for the unclear directions.  

Record number of teens show up for annual street brawl. Over 400 hundred teens turned out for the annual street brawl in Greensboro North Carolina this year. This shatters the previous record of six. Eleven arrests were made. Also shattering the record. Police were shocked by the turnout this year and may try to put a stop to the annual brawl. Christoper Hicks, 17, has been participating in the brawl for three years and was upset by the massive turnout this year. "You're ruining it for us diehards. Stop it," says Hicks. 

Police arrest man for filming them and shoot his dog. There is video. I suggest you don't watch it though.

Marty And The News: July 2nd Edition

News took a few months off. Now news is happening again and I'm here to talk about it.

Little Snupe hanging out with a Gary Payton impersonator

Millions are shocked to learn about the existenece of a rapper named Little Snupe. Just as many are disappointed that he is in no way related to Snoop Dogg. A few are sad to hear that Little Snupe was killed.

WikiLeaks releases statement made by Edward Snowden. People on Twitter claim the statement isn't from Snowden because of syntax that is unusual for an American. Many of the Tweets are also written in a weird syntax for an American. No one is American anymore because of syntax.

Cirque Du Soleil patrons not as excited as they thought they would be. Cirque Du Soleil is similar to NASCAR in that many patrons go in hopes that the worse will happen. The worst happened in a performance of "Ka"when performer Sarah Guyard-Guillot fell 50 feet to her death. Witness Charles  Smith had this to say. "I've been to dozens of Cirque Du Soleil performances. I'm not proud, but every time I secretly hope something goes wrong. When she initially slipped, I got excited. This was it. This is what I've been waiting for. But then I was like, God no, this is terrible. It wasn't like I thought it was going to be at all."

Despite earlier reports, toxicology screening finds that rapper Kriss Kross died from drug overdose. It was initially believed that Kross died from too much jumping around.

Chicago not keeping pace with 2012. Both homicides and shootings are down by at least 25% when compared to the numbers this time last year. Police are concerned that many gang members aren't going to reach their quota this year.

Not gay

Boy, 4, still on the run after shooting sister, 6, in the face. The 4-year-old boy was apparently upset that his sister got a bigger slice of pie than him. The kid's grandfather says the boy wrestled away his .38 caliber pistol from him before fatally shooting his sister in the face. The boy then turned the gun on his grandfather and threatened to shoot if he tried to stop him from leaving. Police are still searching for the 4-year-old.

Hugh Jackman says he isn't gay, again. No one asked. He just hasn't been in the news for a while, so he just thought he'd let everyone know that he's still around and still not gay. He's flattered though.

Hideous guy

Some guy is upset that he looks hideous. Takes it out on people that are saying Aaron Hernandez is hot.

NFL is worried that spike in Aaron Hernandez jersey sales may result in more players killing people. Before being charged with murder, Hernandez  jerseys didn't sell very well. But now, Hernandez jerseys have become collectors items. In some cases, doubling in value and it's believed they will increase in value even further. NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell has expressed concern that players who don't have great jersey sales may follow in Hernandez's footsteps.

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News.

Hot Amanda, left. Cow, right

Background of photos show how far Amanda Bynes has fallen. Bynes has taken to her Twitter to complain about people still using old pictures of her. She claims that she looks much better now. Her nose is better, according to her. The pictures tell a different story when seen side by side. Just from the backgrounds of the photos, you can tell that something has gone horribly wrong in her life. One has a Netflix logo behind her and was taken during a red-carpet event. The other is just her bathroom mirror (showing us how ugly her back is). Her bathroom isn't even decorated.

Lindsay Lohan shows Amanda Bynes how it's done. Both stars have taken similar paths to going crazy. But rather than going from cute to vaguely resembling a person you'd want to look at, Lohan is trying to just go from cute to vaguely attractive. For the most part, Lohan has been able to do it. Lohan slips up at times, but quickly returns to being somewhat attractive again. Bynes on the other hand went ugly and hasn't looked back.

Boy doesn't like how sister washes car, shoots her in the chest. A 6-year-old girl remains in critical condition after her brother, 13, became enraged and shot her in the chest. The two children were washing the family car in the driveway of their Florida home. At least one neighbor claims that he thought it was strange. "I thought it was strange," said Justin Latourrette. "They didn't seem to have any supervision." But rather than checking up on the two children, Latourrette just closed the blinds and returned to the couch. Shortly after doing so, an argument broke out when the girl accidentally sprayed the boy in the back with the hose. The boy grabbed the hose and sprayed his sister in the face by putting his thumb over the end of the hose. He then went into the house, grabbed the family gun and shot his sister in the chest.

Chris Brown finds new way to breakup with Rihanna. The last time Brown broke up with Rihanna, he did so by punching her in the face. This time, he just sat down and talked to her. "It felt good," says Brown.  "Don't get me wrong, last time felt good too, but it was different this time."

Hong Kong regrets painting dolphins pink for Breast Cancer Awareness Month. Janet Walker, who doesn't have a Hong Kong sounding name, but is still somehow the Hong Kong Dolphinwatch spokeswoman explains:

It sounded like a good idea in the meeting. Li Wan, who had been a part of Dolphinwatch for 14 years had just passed away. Wan struggled with breast cancer for 6 years. We were all so sad. We wanted to honor her memory. Xe Lian suggested we honor Wan's memory by painting what she loved most pink. It wasn't even really talked about much after that. Everyone just went out and starting painting dolphins pink. All together, we painted something like 3,000 dolphins. 

Raised $10 for breast cancer research

When the The Hong Kong Dolphin Conservation Society learned of what Dolphinwatch had done, they were outraged. It appears the paint used is highly toxic and has been killing the dolphins. Over 500 dolphins have died already and it's not certain they can keep the others from dying. 

Another Fun Bus trip doesn't end in fun. Normally when the fun bus doesn't end up in fun, someone just gets really drunk and throws up everywhere. Occasionally, they also take a dump in the aisle. This time a lady fell out while the bus was travelling on the freeway. The lady was run over by several cars and killed. Miguel Hernandez was the only driver who hit Jamie Frecks and stopped.

“I saw he tried to avoid something, but there was nothing he can do. Nothing I can do. So he just ran over it and I ran over it. I didn’t know what it was,” Miguel Hernandez said. “It was crazy. Cars were just going and we could still hear her being hit”


That's it. That's the news.

Marty and The News

News

'My Fair Wedding' host getting divorce. David Tutera's husband Ryan Jurica has filed for divorce in the state of Connecticut. The two are expecting twins via a surrogate in the coming months. There is a whole fight over the twins, but it's not really important. What is important is that Jurica claims one of the reasons for the divorce is because of Tutera's sex addiction. Jurica says Tutera is always getting prostitutes and escorts. What isn't made clear is whether or not the prostitutes and/or escorts are male or female. It matters and the public should withhold any judgment until they know the answer.

Economist claims we'll all have jobs by 2018. "Oh yeah," says Charles Smith. "We'll see about that. I like a challenge. Bring it on bitches. I'll tell you one thing, this guy won't have a job in 2018 now. I'm going to shut this asshole up."

Kriss Kross will make ya... cry, cry.  Rapper Chris Kelly, better known as Kriss Kross has passed away at the age of 34. Kelly's family has asked that you put your pants on backwards and jump while pouring out your 40 in his memory.

Picture of banana used for story on Masturbate-A-Thon 2013.  Grow up.

Banana or penis?

Jenny McCarthy dating Louis C.K. in her head. In April, Howard Stern told McCarthy that she should date Louis. She has now decided that the two really are dating. When reached for comment, Louis had to be reminded of who McCarthy is.

Justin Bieber stops concert in Turkey. Thousands boo and thousands pray.

Some dude in Slayer dies. Many mourn, many others ask who is Slayer and others claim they've always known who Slayer is and have loved them since they started in 1997, even though they actually started in 1982.

School closed due to really nice weather. "It was like extra super nice out," says one girl.

That's it. That's the news.

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News.

Pope Francis makes bold statement for God. The Pope has always spoken for God, according to the Catholic religion. But normally when the Pope is asked how God feels about a particular topic, the Pope has to go to his Pope Chamber and ask him. But when Pope Francis was asked about how God feels about slave Labor in Bangladesh, he didn't do that. He immediatly answered that God is against it. Leaving many to wonder if God really feels that way or if Pope Francis is just putting words in his mouth. Many Catholics are saying slave labor in Bangladesh is a common conversation for God and the Pope. Pope Francis was already aware of the answer. Some Catholics are saying Francis shouldn't be so haste when speaking for God.

"I wasn't looking for sex, I just wanted to know where the gay bars were," Christian blogger. Matt Moore has spoken out several times against homosexuality in his blog and has now been caught on the gay-dating app Grindr. Moore admits that he is sexually attracted to other men, but has been fighting off the feelings because he believes it is a sin. According to Moore, he wasn't looking for sex, he was just looking for someone to show him where they gay bars were in New Orleans and maybe take him there.  No sex.

New York City man can't figure out how sink works, sues city for $150 million.

The first time I ate at a restaurant and used their restroom, I couldn’t figure out how to use the sink; it was one of those automatic motion-sensor faucets. I had to get someone to show me what to do, and I felt embarrassed.

Those are those words of David Ranta, who is suing the city for $150 million for his ordeal. Ranta had been in prison for 22 years, but was released in March when it was found he didn't commit the murder. 

Parents get 5-year-old boy .22-caliber rifle for birthday, shoots sister in the face.

Is that a hostel bathroom?

Amanda Bynes' bathroom isn't very cute. Her face also looks funny. Boobs decent.

Gay, former MLB player Glenn Burke introduced the high-five. A National gay athlete hall of fame has been opened in Chicago. When asked as to whether or not Jason Collins would be in it, "he'll probably make it, but it's more for players like Glenn Burke," said hall of fame organizer Bill Gubrud. Burke, who is now deceased, came out after his playing days, but is widely credited with introducing the world to the high-five. Upon learning about the high-five news, several other hall of fames are strongly considering inducting Glenn Burke. 

That's it. That's the news.

Marty and The News: Special Report

When NBA player Jason Collins came out as gay Monday morning, everyone assumed that his twin brother was already aware of the Jason's sexual orientation. Jarron was not.

Jason and Jarron have been twins their entire lives. They were even born on the same day. Until they both reached the NBA in 2001, they had always played on the same basketball team. Always rooming together at home and on road trips. They were roommates during their playing days at Stanford. The Collins twins have always been close, but Jason had been keeping a secret from not only the world, but his brother Jarron as well.

"I'm really happy for Jason," says Jarron. "I'm glad he can finally be true to himself. I just wish he felt he could have told me. It hurts a little bit."

"I can see why maybe he felt he couldn't tell me," says Jarron. "I was always trying to get him to hook up with chicks. Especially back at Stanford. I was always bringing back chicks and bedding them. I'd always have my ladies bring their friends over for Jason. Looking back, I guess I should have known something was up. The only thing my brother ever did with the ladies was bake stuff. Cookies, cakes, pies, muffins... He even made a soufflé once. The stuff was so damn good that I never asked him why he only baked stuff with the ladies I brought over for him. Maybe baking was a very sensual experience for him."

"The biggest clue should have come the day I got married. Jason was my best man, of course. Right before the wedding I told him that it was his turn to get married next. Then I'll get divorced and it would be my turn again. We both laughed and he told me he couldn't get married. It's illegal. I just assumed Jason was a player and wanted to marry more than one woman.  Now, I get it. And honey, I was just joking about that divorce thing."

"We still haven't talked about it. We've talked on the phone four times since the article came out. Neither of us has brought it up. I guess we don't really need to. It doesn't change anything between us. He's still my brother. Maybe I should stop trying so hard to set him up with Brenda, but other than that, nothing has to change."

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News go here.

Didn't have time to buy new sweater

Amanda Bynes gets a haircut. Millions of other Americans also get their haircut, but they didn't tweet about it. Bynes wins by default.

Evan Rachel Wood talks about being bisexual. "I wanted to wait ... to have enough years under my belt where people knew that it wasn't a phase or anything and I wasn't doing it for attention." Wood later clarified her comment by saying she meant to say people, not years.

Eleven hurt in bus, train crash. Injuries include Down Syndrome, Severe Autism, Cerebral Palsy and being elderly. Reports are coming in that the injuries were not caused by the crash.

FBI informant says Taliban members are living in America. He then claimed that along with Taliban, there are Jews, Blacks, Gays, Asians, Mexicans, Hindus, Germans and many other people.

Oklahoma prison guard has lived with shame of letting prisoners escape for 14 years. March 11, 1999, eight prisoners overpowered prison guard Charles Smith and escaped, but for Smith, it seems like it was just yesterday. "It was scary," says Smith. "The barbeque fork they had was just so large. I thought my life was going to end right then." Other prison guards say the fork was just a regular sized fork. "Smith was just being a pussy," says one guard. Seven of the prisoners who escaped were found shortly after their escape. One, David Lee Kemp, was never captured. Smith says he has lived in fear because of it. "I have dreams of him stabbing me with a fork," says Smith. He can breathe a little easier now that Kemp turned himself in Friday morning. "I'd just done everything I wanted to do," says Kemp. "I was ready to go back to jail for over a year. I've been sending police clues, but they weren't figuring them out, so I just went to the jail myself."

Man doesn't notice his lady friend has been dead for over six months. "I just thought she was really tired," says Dennis McCauley. "God knows I've wanted to sit on the couch for six months straight before. I started getting worried last month, when I noticed that she hadn't eaten anything for five months, but I didn't want to bother her."

Dogs calm people. That's great, but you still shouldn't get to fly with your dog.


That's it. That's the news