Marty and The News

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Didn't have time to buy new sweater

Amanda Bynes gets a haircut. Millions of other Americans also get their haircut, but they didn't tweet about it. Bynes wins by default.

Evan Rachel Wood talks about being bisexual. "I wanted to wait ... to have enough years under my belt where people knew that it wasn't a phase or anything and I wasn't doing it for attention." Wood later clarified her comment by saying she meant to say people, not years.

Eleven hurt in bus, train crash. Injuries include Down Syndrome, Severe Autism, Cerebral Palsy and being elderly. Reports are coming in that the injuries were not caused by the crash.

FBI informant says Taliban members are living in America. He then claimed that along with Taliban, there are Jews, Blacks, Gays, Asians, Mexicans, Hindus, Germans and many other people.

Oklahoma prison guard has lived with shame of letting prisoners escape for 14 years. March 11, 1999, eight prisoners overpowered prison guard Charles Smith and escaped, but for Smith, it seems like it was just yesterday. "It was scary," says Smith. "The barbeque fork they had was just so large. I thought my life was going to end right then." Other prison guards say the fork was just a regular sized fork. "Smith was just being a pussy," says one guard. Seven of the prisoners who escaped were found shortly after their escape. One, David Lee Kemp, was never captured. Smith says he has lived in fear because of it. "I have dreams of him stabbing me with a fork," says Smith. He can breathe a little easier now that Kemp turned himself in Friday morning. "I'd just done everything I wanted to do," says Kemp. "I was ready to go back to jail for over a year. I've been sending police clues, but they weren't figuring them out, so I just went to the jail myself."

Man doesn't notice his lady friend has been dead for over six months. "I just thought she was really tired," says Dennis McCauley. "God knows I've wanted to sit on the couch for six months straight before. I started getting worried last month, when I noticed that she hadn't eaten anything for five months, but I didn't want to bother her."

Dogs calm people. That's great, but you still shouldn't get to fly with your dog.


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Marty and The News

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Fifty years later, woman tracks down lifeguard who saved her life. Eady Rothstein was only five when Larry Brickman saved her from drowning. Being only five at the time, Rothstein was very grateful to Brickman for saving her life. Had she known how her life would turn out, she wouldn't have been so elated. "I wish he had just let me drown," says Rothstein. "Life has just been so hard."

Beaver

Man takes killer picture of beaver. It had always been Sergei's dying wish to get a sweet picture of a beaver. He got his chance on Monday. He got his sweet picture. Sadly, the beaver bit him in the thigh, severing the femoral artery. Sergei died doing what he loved.

Woman holding beer too high.

Woman gets back at cheating husband by putting on some weight, a pink shirt, writing a sign, texting while holding a beer at an awkward height, going to Wrestlemania and sitting on some makeshift bleachers. She's back on the market, fellas.

FBI does a good job. FBI agents are patting themselves on the back for a job well done. "I thought it would be harder to get the guy, but we got him relatively easy," said agent David Wiegand. The man he is referring to is a 39-year-old man accused of molesting a female passenger on an American Airlines flight. FBI agents were able to nab the man as he walked off the plane. There was no year-long pursuit that they had planned for.

Poll finds that 53% percent of Americans are in favor of gay marriage. The poll was conducted by NBC News and the Wall Street Journal. A Fox News poll found that 53% of Americans are now gay.

That's it. That's the news.