Marty and The News: August 6th Edition

George W. Bush goes to the hospital. Just a blocked artery in his heart. No big deal. We won't be attacking any countries because of this, probably.

Anderson Cooper gets 'new show'. CNN is excited to announce that Cooper is now going to be doing two completely different shows on their network. Cooper will still have his show 'AC360'. After that show is over, something else will come on for an hour and then Cooper's new show, 'AC360 Later,' will come on. TWO. COMPLETElY. DIFFERENT. SHOWS. CNN is aware that it looks like the same show, just with a one hour break, but they have repeatedly said that this is not the same show.

Two dudes

Watergate guys asked what they think about Washington Post sale. The guy who made Amazon (the website, not the rainforest), Jeff Bezos is now the owner of the Washington Post. For some reason, famed Watergate reporters, Bob Woodward and Carl Bernstein, were asked for their opinion on the sale. They didn't really say anything interesting. They both just said they were sad that the family who owned the paper forever no longer owned it. Then they said that they think Bezos is going to do a really good job. Nothing interesting.

Mark Wahlberg tells Justin Bieber to stop smoking weed. Bieber fires back and tells Wahlberg to stop wearing around that fake penis he wore in Boogie Nights. Wahlberg wants to put Bieber in a movie about basketball. There isn't really a story here.

Two dudes, one girl, same guy

After 3 months, guy decides that he isn't 'transgender after all.' Don Ennis is an ABC News Editor and has been living his life as woman since May. Ennis, who had been going by Dawn since his change, claims he suffered a two day amnesia. When he came out of it, he realized he was no longer a woman. In an email to his colleagues, Ennis said, “I accused my wife of playing some kind of cruel joke, dressing me up in a wig and bra and making fake ID’s with the name ‘Dawn’ on it." Ennis realized it wasn't a joke when he saw his breasts. He developed the breasts by being a little pudgy and by taking female hormones. Ennis says his memories have returned, but his identity as Dawn did not return. “I am writing to let you know I’m changing my name . . . to Don Ennis. That will be my name again, now and forever. And it appears I’m not transgender after all."

2-year-old kid is best man at his parents wedding, dies two days later, I read the story and decided my first thoughts on the story makes me an asshole.

That's it. That's the news.

Marty and The News: August 5th Edition

No-name baseball players accept suspensions. Twelve Major League Baseball players have accepted 50 game suspensions for associating with some guy. They didn't actually fail any drug tests. Despite the long list of names, no one knows who these players are. Unless you are in one of those fantasy baseball leagues that has way too many teams and are forced to have scrubs on your team. The list just proves that steroids don't actually make you that much better at baseball. Alex Rodriguez, who was already good at baseball, is rumored to be facing a suspension as well, but he is fighting it. Steroid use in baseball appears to just make good players better at avoiding suspensions than mediocre players.

*Update*
Alex Rodriguez has now been banned for the rest of this season and all of next. He should have taken more 'suspension delaying' steroids.

Study finds stupidest group of people in America. You can be the best test taker in the world or know Pi to 6 decimal places, but if you can't remember where you put your keys, you're stupid. For this reason, it's often assumed that old people are the stupidest in the world. But a new study shows that it's women who are the stupidest people. The stupidest group of women are those between the ages of 18 and 34 and live on the East coast. 

Dancing fool Billy C

Bill Clinton answers a bunch of questions. Tells everyone to not worry about yesterday, embrace tomorrow. He wasn't so clear on what to do with today. He did mention that he's "gotten a lot of good advice and wishes he'd taken more of it." Perhaps that advice was about what to do with today.

Chris Christie wins hottest politician poll. He also wins for fattest politician. No poll was held to determine that. He was just given the prize for fattest. 

Author of 'Jaws' makes a list of words to try and help sell 40th anniversary copies of the book. He says the list of words are alternative titles for the book. He considered all of them before going with Jaws. But after close examination of the list, of almost 200 alternative book titles, it appears to just be a list of words. Many of which are loosely related to sharks and shark activity, but most are just words. One alternative title is just " ". Suggesting that he was willing to call the book anything. 

Danny Bonaduce: "It was totally embarrassing to be famous and homeless." Bonaduce mistakenly gave this quote while appearing on 'Oprah: Where Are They Now?' He has since revised his quote to, "It was, and still is, totally embarrassing to be me, homeless or not."

Burned body of a woman found in Detroit, Fire Chief sounds stupid. This is Detroit's third burned body in 8 days. Some think they have a serial body burner on their hands. Fire Chief Jack Wiley isn't so sure. “It’s a young lady, I think, I’m not sure. All I could see was the leg and it looked like the leg of a lady than more of a man. So, I’m not sure yet.” He also doesn't want people to jump so quickly to murder. “I’m not sure because like I said, it’s still a crime scene and I couldn’t get all the way in there to see, but they did just let me see where the fire was.”

Anthony Weiner dick pic recipient films porno. Not only was she the lucky, original recipient of a picture of Weiner's junk, Sydney Leathers was lucky enough to shoot a porn scene. 

50 Cent tries to get back into the news Chris Brown style, forgets to get famous girlfriend first. 

That's it. That's the news.

Marty and The News: August 2nd Edition

Ellen DeGeneres to host 2014 Oscars. Looks like the Oscars won't have any jokes this year. If that's the case, I don't have to make jokes about this. Just kidding. Ellen is great! Dance party!

House Republicans keep voting to repeal Obamacare, jokes fired. This is the 40th time House Republicans have voted to repeal Obamacare. Not one of the 40 votes have meant anything. A few Democrats took to the floor to roast the Republicans and their frivolous vote. Rep. John Dingell (D-Mich.), opened the roast by saying, "I suspect we don't want to call them the Republicans anymore, but I think we ought to call them the Repeal-icans. Or perhaps the Repeal-ican'ts, because they've never been able to repeal anything." Oh snap! That joke can't be topped. The roast should have ended there, but that didn't stop a few Democrats from embarrassing themselves. "They have one alternative to Obamacare. It's called NothingCare," joked Rep. Lloyd Doggett (D-Texas). Rep. Mike Thompson (D-Calif.) laid the stinker of the night when he said, "we've seen this movie before." Just embarrassing, Doggett and Thompson. Nice job, Dingell

Not Related

Nick Cannon thinks he is related to Amanda Bynes. Cannon has asked for Bynes to reach out to 'her family' in her time of need. Despite him being black and Bynes being white, Cannon is referring to himself when he says family. Cannon believes they are family, because they were both on Nickelodeon at the same time. Bynes is upset that it's been 15 years since they hooked up and this is the first time Cannon has ever tried to contact her. 

Raven-Symone "can finally get married," thanks Government. Symone took to Twitter earlier today to say, "I can finally get married! Yay government! So proud of you." It's not known if she is referring to the Supreme Court's decision in June to overturn the Defense of Marriage Act or the 1967 Supreme Court decision that deemed anti-miscegenation laws unconstitutional. It's murky as to whether Symone announced that she is lesbian, is in love with someone from another race, or perhaps both. Either way, she is late in thanking the Government. Symone also could have made her thanks mean a little more by thanking the Supreme Court and not just the Government in general.

College issues apology after its president refers to minorities as "dark ones." Hillsdale College President Larry Arnn was technically correct when he called minorities "dark ones," but the College still issued an apology. The apology states that "no offense was intended by the use of that term, except to the offending bureaucrats." Arnn was even less apologetic in his statement. “The State of Michigan sent a group of people down to my campus, with clipboards ... to look at the colors of people’s faces and write down what they saw. We don’t keep records of that information. What were they looking for besides dark ones?"

Colin Powell denies having sex with vaguely attractive Romanian lady. Powell is being accused of having an affair with Romanian diplomat Corina Cretu. Despite exchanging emails and Facebook messages with Cretu for over 10 years, Powell insists that he has been nothing but faithful to his wife Alma. You be the judge.

Colin and his wife Alma

The much more attractive Corina Cretu

Even the ladies got involved

Taiwanese lawmakers come to blows, waste water, over nuclear power. What was supposed to be a meeting to decide if a nuclear power plant should be built, turned to violence when a decision couldn't be agreed upon. Punches were thrown and numerous bottles of water were emptied. 

One lawmaker throws punch as another wears a sweet headband

Texas running low on lethal injection drug, just going to start shooting people.

That's it. That's the news.

Marty and The News: August 1st Edition

Larry Summers hates women. Summers appears to be the prospective nominee for the Federal Reserve Chair. Summers has come under fire for sexist remarks he has said in the past. The biggest red flag of Summers' sexism is the fact that he won't step back and let a woman have the Federal Reserve Chair. Women first, Larry.

Cleveland kidnapper, Ariel Castro, apologizes, poorly, for kidnapping people. "I'm not a monster," said Castro, in front of a packed courtroom. "A lot of harmony (was) going on." Castro went on to say that he is not a violent person. He says he never beat or tortured any of the women. While not all of the sex was consensual, he claims that most of it was. "I simply kept them there without them being able to leave." Castro was also hurt to learn that his home has been torn down. "I had so many beautiful memories there with Amanda." Amanda, one of his victims, says there was no beautiful memories. Castro also admitted to being addicted to porn. It's not known why he admitted to this. It didn't help his case whatsoever. He was sentenced to life in prison. And just in case he outlives his life, 1,000 more years were tacked on.

New hair, same boobs

Sofia Vergara changes hair color, keeps big boobs. Fashion experts are split as to whether or not the hair change was a good or bad move, but they all agree that she did the right thing by keeping the boobs the same. "No one is really looking at her hair anyways," says fashion expert Charles Smith, "so the change doesn't really matter."

In an unexpected twist, Glee writes the Finn Hudson character off of the show. Finn has been a fan favorite ever since the first episode of Glee. The decision to remove him from the show has taken many off guard. "I didn't see this coming," says Glee fan Charles Smith. "Finn was my favorite character and everyone I know loved him. He was a great singer. He seemed so integral to the show. I don't understand why they would just write him off." Glee fans have started a Facebook page urging Glee writers to 'Bring Back Finn.' Finn was played by actor Cory Monteith. Monteith died last month from a drug overdose. Producers of Glee would not confirm, but it's speculated that the actor's death led to him being written off the show.

Former MTV VJ tries to sell books. Kennedy, who hasn't been on TV for nearly 20 years, is claiming that she almost had sex with Michael Jordan once. Jordan, who hasn't played basketball for a decade, is now known for being one of the worst owners in sports and once sporting a Hitler 'stache. It appears that 'I almost had sex with this person' is the new 'I did cocaine while I was on the Brady Bunch'.

New Zealand power companies funnier than other country's power companies. Clive Saleman was worried when he received a letter saying that his power would be turned off if he didn't stop using so much. Saleman then noticed that the letter wasn't addressed to him. It was addressed to the streetlight in front of his home. It's not known why streetlights in New Zealand have their own address. This is where the comedy starts. Saleman went to the streetlight in question and knocked on the door. No one was home to collect the mail. The power company says they are happy to hear that no one is living in the streetlight, because it would be "quite draughty." Ha Ha! Whatever draughty means.

Vladimir Putin's plan to get free dildos is working. It was once suggested the Putin's militant, anti-gay agenda was just a ploy for him to get dildos sent to him. No one took the dildo strategy seriously, but it now appears there may be some truth to it. A Facebook group called "Send a Dildo To Vladimir Putin" has sprung up, urging people to send dildos, used or new, to Putin. It hasn't been confirmed that this is what Putin wanted all along, but someone said that they once heard Putin say 'once I get six or seven dildos, I'll lighten up on the gays.'

'Rent is too damn high' guy endorses Weiner. Pundits are calling this the most embarrassing gaffe of Anthony Weiner's campaign.

Funny beard guy and Weiner

That's it. That's the news.

Marty and The News: July 8th Edition

News.

Eliot Spitzer trying to make return to politics, Americans learn of existence of comptroller. Spitzer resigned as Governor of New York in 2008, when it was discovered he was sexing some high-price prostitutes. Now, five years later, Americans are learning of the existence of a comptroller. It turns out lots of cities have them. Spitzer is planning to run for New York City's comptroller. It's still not known what exactly the comptroller does, but if they bang high-priced prostitutes, Spitzer is a shoe-in.

Only one death may have occurred from Asiana plance crash in San Francisco. It was first reported that two 16-year-old Chinese girls died in the plane crash. It is now being speculated that one of the girls may have been killed by an emergency vehicle that rushed to the scene. An autopsy is underway to determine the girls cause of death. Frank the airport ambulance driver has refused to comment.

You're Welcome, News Readers

Heidi Klum Instagrams picture of her butt.

'Happy Endings' writer tweets jokes that didn't make the show. Writer Jason Berger shared some jokes on Twitter that didn't make it into the product that aired on TV. At the same time, he also showed why they didn't make it into the show.

Chicago gets to work over the Holiday Weekend. As I first reported last week, homicides in Chicago are down 27% in comparison to last year's numbers at this time. Criminals got to work for the Fourth of July, as nine people were killed over the weekend. The city passed the 200th homicide for the year milestone over weekend, but is still behind last year's stats.

George Zimmerman likely to walk. Says some guy who seems to know what he's talking about.

California may start giving condoms to inmates. Haven't thought that maybe this will open up the flood gates to inmates raping other inmates. A practice that rarely occurs in prisons.

Taco Bell has another drive-thru order returned. This time it's $3,600 in cash instead of shitty tacos.

Tigers tell a man he is too old by killing him. The man was 72 and very feeble. The three tigers took pity on him and his body.

Marty And The News: July 3rd Edition

More news.

Porn Star?

Porn company wants Paula Deen to work for them. Thankfully, they have stipulated that under no circumstances, is she allowed to get naked.

Glenn Greenwald comes back from vacation and makes statement without looking at the news he missed first. It's still unclear as to who Greenwald is, but he somehow made his way on to Fox News. He announced that the world will be shocked by what the NSA is doing. Greenwald admits he has been on vacation for over a month and is not aware of anyone named Edward Snowden.

Ex-Gay Pride Month? The Family Research Council wants to make it so. They are even planning a dinner to help get the month rolling and to promote ex-gay rights. What rights they are fighting for is unclear.

Dennis Rodman unclear on how Nobel Peace Prize works. Because Rodman visited North Korea, he's demanding the Noble Peace Prize.

Not even Tim Tebow could stop Aaron Hernandez. In 2007, Tebow, aka Jesus, tried to break up a fight that Hernandez was involved in, but failed.

Video of man hitting cows having sex is way too long.  

There was no reason for that video to be 57 seconds long. Two seconds to establish that he is driving. Then the cows show up. Then show five seconds after the cows are hit mid-coitus. That's it. That's all we need. 

Man is convicted of sodomizing 14-year-old girl, kills himself. Neighbor regrets that he wasn't more clear with his instructions. When Steve Parsons was sitting on his neighbor's porch and saw a 14-year-old girl riding by on her bike, his words were "I'd tap that ass," according to his neighbor Charles Smith. Smith replied that Parsons should kill himself. Smith intended for Parsons to kill himself right then, not after he sodomized the girl. Smith has apologized to the girl's family for the unclear directions.  

Record number of teens show up for annual street brawl. Over 400 hundred teens turned out for the annual street brawl in Greensboro North Carolina this year. This shatters the previous record of six. Eleven arrests were made. Also shattering the record. Police were shocked by the turnout this year and may try to put a stop to the annual brawl. Christoper Hicks, 17, has been participating in the brawl for three years and was upset by the massive turnout this year. "You're ruining it for us diehards. Stop it," says Hicks. 

Police arrest man for filming them and shoot his dog. There is video. I suggest you don't watch it though.

Marty And The News: July 2nd Edition

News took a few months off. Now news is happening again and I'm here to talk about it.

Little Snupe hanging out with a Gary Payton impersonator

Millions are shocked to learn about the existenece of a rapper named Little Snupe. Just as many are disappointed that he is in no way related to Snoop Dogg. A few are sad to hear that Little Snupe was killed.

WikiLeaks releases statement made by Edward Snowden. People on Twitter claim the statement isn't from Snowden because of syntax that is unusual for an American. Many of the Tweets are also written in a weird syntax for an American. No one is American anymore because of syntax.

Cirque Du Soleil patrons not as excited as they thought they would be. Cirque Du Soleil is similar to NASCAR in that many patrons go in hopes that the worse will happen. The worst happened in a performance of "Ka"when performer Sarah Guyard-Guillot fell 50 feet to her death. Witness Charles  Smith had this to say. "I've been to dozens of Cirque Du Soleil performances. I'm not proud, but every time I secretly hope something goes wrong. When she initially slipped, I got excited. This was it. This is what I've been waiting for. But then I was like, God no, this is terrible. It wasn't like I thought it was going to be at all."

Despite earlier reports, toxicology screening finds that rapper Kriss Kross died from drug overdose. It was initially believed that Kross died from too much jumping around.

Chicago not keeping pace with 2012. Both homicides and shootings are down by at least 25% when compared to the numbers this time last year. Police are concerned that many gang members aren't going to reach their quota this year.

Not gay

Boy, 4, still on the run after shooting sister, 6, in the face. The 4-year-old boy was apparently upset that his sister got a bigger slice of pie than him. The kid's grandfather says the boy wrestled away his .38 caliber pistol from him before fatally shooting his sister in the face. The boy then turned the gun on his grandfather and threatened to shoot if he tried to stop him from leaving. Police are still searching for the 4-year-old.

Hugh Jackman says he isn't gay, again. No one asked. He just hasn't been in the news for a while, so he just thought he'd let everyone know that he's still around and still not gay. He's flattered though.

Hideous guy

Some guy is upset that he looks hideous. Takes it out on people that are saying Aaron Hernandez is hot.

NFL is worried that spike in Aaron Hernandez jersey sales may result in more players killing people. Before being charged with murder, Hernandez  jerseys didn't sell very well. But now, Hernandez jerseys have become collectors items. In some cases, doubling in value and it's believed they will increase in value even further. NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell has expressed concern that players who don't have great jersey sales may follow in Hernandez's footsteps.