Marty and The News

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Hot Amanda, left. Cow, right

Background of photos show how far Amanda Bynes has fallen. Bynes has taken to her Twitter to complain about people still using old pictures of her. She claims that she looks much better now. Her nose is better, according to her. The pictures tell a different story when seen side by side. Just from the backgrounds of the photos, you can tell that something has gone horribly wrong in her life. One has a Netflix logo behind her and was taken during a red-carpet event. The other is just her bathroom mirror (showing us how ugly her back is). Her bathroom isn't even decorated.

Lindsay Lohan shows Amanda Bynes how it's done. Both stars have taken similar paths to going crazy. But rather than going from cute to vaguely resembling a person you'd want to look at, Lohan is trying to just go from cute to vaguely attractive. For the most part, Lohan has been able to do it. Lohan slips up at times, but quickly returns to being somewhat attractive again. Bynes on the other hand went ugly and hasn't looked back.

Boy doesn't like how sister washes car, shoots her in the chest. A 6-year-old girl remains in critical condition after her brother, 13, became enraged and shot her in the chest. The two children were washing the family car in the driveway of their Florida home. At least one neighbor claims that he thought it was strange. "I thought it was strange," said Justin Latourrette. "They didn't seem to have any supervision." But rather than checking up on the two children, Latourrette just closed the blinds and returned to the couch. Shortly after doing so, an argument broke out when the girl accidentally sprayed the boy in the back with the hose. The boy grabbed the hose and sprayed his sister in the face by putting his thumb over the end of the hose. He then went into the house, grabbed the family gun and shot his sister in the chest.

Chris Brown finds new way to breakup with Rihanna. The last time Brown broke up with Rihanna, he did so by punching her in the face. This time, he just sat down and talked to her. "It felt good," says Brown.  "Don't get me wrong, last time felt good too, but it was different this time."

Hong Kong regrets painting dolphins pink for Breast Cancer Awareness Month. Janet Walker, who doesn't have a Hong Kong sounding name, but is still somehow the Hong Kong Dolphinwatch spokeswoman explains:

It sounded like a good idea in the meeting. Li Wan, who had been a part of Dolphinwatch for 14 years had just passed away. Wan struggled with breast cancer for 6 years. We were all so sad. We wanted to honor her memory. Xe Lian suggested we honor Wan's memory by painting what she loved most pink. It wasn't even really talked about much after that. Everyone just went out and starting painting dolphins pink. All together, we painted something like 3,000 dolphins. 

Raised $10 for breast cancer research

When the The Hong Kong Dolphin Conservation Society learned of what Dolphinwatch had done, they were outraged. It appears the paint used is highly toxic and has been killing the dolphins. Over 500 dolphins have died already and it's not certain they can keep the others from dying. 

Another Fun Bus trip doesn't end in fun. Normally when the fun bus doesn't end up in fun, someone just gets really drunk and throws up everywhere. Occasionally, they also take a dump in the aisle. This time a lady fell out while the bus was travelling on the freeway. The lady was run over by several cars and killed. Miguel Hernandez was the only driver who hit Jamie Frecks and stopped.

“I saw he tried to avoid something, but there was nothing he can do. Nothing I can do. So he just ran over it and I ran over it. I didn’t know what it was,” Miguel Hernandez said. “It was crazy. Cars were just going and we could still hear her being hit”


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Marty and The News

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'My Fair Wedding' host getting divorce. David Tutera's husband Ryan Jurica has filed for divorce in the state of Connecticut. The two are expecting twins via a surrogate in the coming months. There is a whole fight over the twins, but it's not really important. What is important is that Jurica claims one of the reasons for the divorce is because of Tutera's sex addiction. Jurica says Tutera is always getting prostitutes and escorts. What isn't made clear is whether or not the prostitutes and/or escorts are male or female. It matters and the public should withhold any judgment until they know the answer.

Economist claims we'll all have jobs by 2018. "Oh yeah," says Charles Smith. "We'll see about that. I like a challenge. Bring it on bitches. I'll tell you one thing, this guy won't have a job in 2018 now. I'm going to shut this asshole up."

Kriss Kross will make ya... cry, cry.  Rapper Chris Kelly, better known as Kriss Kross has passed away at the age of 34. Kelly's family has asked that you put your pants on backwards and jump while pouring out your 40 in his memory.

Picture of banana used for story on Masturbate-A-Thon 2013.  Grow up.

Banana or penis?

Jenny McCarthy dating Louis C.K. in her head. In April, Howard Stern told McCarthy that she should date Louis. She has now decided that the two really are dating. When reached for comment, Louis had to be reminded of who McCarthy is.

Justin Bieber stops concert in Turkey. Thousands boo and thousands pray.

Some dude in Slayer dies. Many mourn, many others ask who is Slayer and others claim they've always known who Slayer is and have loved them since they started in 1997, even though they actually started in 1982.

School closed due to really nice weather. "It was like extra super nice out," says one girl.

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Pope Francis makes bold statement for God. The Pope has always spoken for God, according to the Catholic religion. But normally when the Pope is asked how God feels about a particular topic, the Pope has to go to his Pope Chamber and ask him. But when Pope Francis was asked about how God feels about slave Labor in Bangladesh, he didn't do that. He immediatly answered that God is against it. Leaving many to wonder if God really feels that way or if Pope Francis is just putting words in his mouth. Many Catholics are saying slave labor in Bangladesh is a common conversation for God and the Pope. Pope Francis was already aware of the answer. Some Catholics are saying Francis shouldn't be so haste when speaking for God.

"I wasn't looking for sex, I just wanted to know where the gay bars were," Christian blogger. Matt Moore has spoken out several times against homosexuality in his blog and has now been caught on the gay-dating app Grindr. Moore admits that he is sexually attracted to other men, but has been fighting off the feelings because he believes it is a sin. According to Moore, he wasn't looking for sex, he was just looking for someone to show him where they gay bars were in New Orleans and maybe take him there.  No sex.

New York City man can't figure out how sink works, sues city for $150 million.

The first time I ate at a restaurant and used their restroom, I couldn’t figure out how to use the sink; it was one of those automatic motion-sensor faucets. I had to get someone to show me what to do, and I felt embarrassed.

Those are those words of David Ranta, who is suing the city for $150 million for his ordeal. Ranta had been in prison for 22 years, but was released in March when it was found he didn't commit the murder. 

Parents get 5-year-old boy .22-caliber rifle for birthday, shoots sister in the face.

Is that a hostel bathroom?

Amanda Bynes' bathroom isn't very cute. Her face also looks funny. Boobs decent.

Gay, former MLB player Glenn Burke introduced the high-five. A National gay athlete hall of fame has been opened in Chicago. When asked as to whether or not Jason Collins would be in it, "he'll probably make it, but it's more for players like Glenn Burke," said hall of fame organizer Bill Gubrud. Burke, who is now deceased, came out after his playing days, but is widely credited with introducing the world to the high-five. Upon learning about the high-five news, several other hall of fames are strongly considering inducting Glenn Burke. 

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Marty and The News: Special Report

When NBA player Jason Collins came out as gay Monday morning, everyone assumed that his twin brother was already aware of the Jason's sexual orientation. Jarron was not.

Jason and Jarron have been twins their entire lives. They were even born on the same day. Until they both reached the NBA in 2001, they had always played on the same basketball team. Always rooming together at home and on road trips. They were roommates during their playing days at Stanford. The Collins twins have always been close, but Jason had been keeping a secret from not only the world, but his brother Jarron as well.

"I'm really happy for Jason," says Jarron. "I'm glad he can finally be true to himself. I just wish he felt he could have told me. It hurts a little bit."

"I can see why maybe he felt he couldn't tell me," says Jarron. "I was always trying to get him to hook up with chicks. Especially back at Stanford. I was always bringing back chicks and bedding them. I'd always have my ladies bring their friends over for Jason. Looking back, I guess I should have known something was up. The only thing my brother ever did with the ladies was bake stuff. Cookies, cakes, pies, muffins... He even made a soufflé once. The stuff was so damn good that I never asked him why he only baked stuff with the ladies I brought over for him. Maybe baking was a very sensual experience for him."

"The biggest clue should have come the day I got married. Jason was my best man, of course. Right before the wedding I told him that it was his turn to get married next. Then I'll get divorced and it would be my turn again. We both laughed and he told me he couldn't get married. It's illegal. I just assumed Jason was a player and wanted to marry more than one woman.  Now, I get it. And honey, I was just joking about that divorce thing."

"We still haven't talked about it. We've talked on the phone four times since the article came out. Neither of us has brought it up. I guess we don't really need to. It doesn't change anything between us. He's still my brother. Maybe I should stop trying so hard to set him up with Brenda, but other than that, nothing has to change."

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Didn't have time to buy new sweater

Amanda Bynes gets a haircut. Millions of other Americans also get their haircut, but they didn't tweet about it. Bynes wins by default.

Evan Rachel Wood talks about being bisexual. "I wanted to wait ... to have enough years under my belt where people knew that it wasn't a phase or anything and I wasn't doing it for attention." Wood later clarified her comment by saying she meant to say people, not years.

Eleven hurt in bus, train crash. Injuries include Down Syndrome, Severe Autism, Cerebral Palsy and being elderly. Reports are coming in that the injuries were not caused by the crash.

FBI informant says Taliban members are living in America. He then claimed that along with Taliban, there are Jews, Blacks, Gays, Asians, Mexicans, Hindus, Germans and many other people.

Oklahoma prison guard has lived with shame of letting prisoners escape for 14 years. March 11, 1999, eight prisoners overpowered prison guard Charles Smith and escaped, but for Smith, it seems like it was just yesterday. "It was scary," says Smith. "The barbeque fork they had was just so large. I thought my life was going to end right then." Other prison guards say the fork was just a regular sized fork. "Smith was just being a pussy," says one guard. Seven of the prisoners who escaped were found shortly after their escape. One, David Lee Kemp, was never captured. Smith says he has lived in fear because of it. "I have dreams of him stabbing me with a fork," says Smith. He can breathe a little easier now that Kemp turned himself in Friday morning. "I'd just done everything I wanted to do," says Kemp. "I was ready to go back to jail for over a year. I've been sending police clues, but they weren't figuring them out, so I just went to the jail myself."

Man doesn't notice his lady friend has been dead for over six months. "I just thought she was really tired," says Dennis McCauley. "God knows I've wanted to sit on the couch for six months straight before. I started getting worried last month, when I noticed that she hadn't eaten anything for five months, but I didn't want to bother her."

Dogs calm people. That's great, but you still shouldn't get to fly with your dog.


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Christoper Reeves still has most ironic Superman photo

The Rock takes ironic Superman photo. Wrestling fans say it's just another stunt. Dwayne Johnson, aka The Rock, claims he injured himself at Wrestlemania while wrestling John Cena. Because of his injuries, he didn't report to Monday Night Raw the following night. Wrestling fans were outraged. They all assumed he faked the injury so he wouldn't have to make another wrestling appearance. Probably embarrassed from his loss to Cena. But as word started to leak of The Rock's hernia surgery, that took place Tuesday, wrestling fans started to believe the star really was injured. That was until they saw this photo. "He don't love us," says lifelong wrestling fan Charles Smith. "He just fakin' so he ain't got to show up at Raw. Now he continuing the injury excuse to take an ironic picture of him in a Superman shirt. The Rock a punk now."

Church friends question couple's faith after a second child dies. Herbert and Catherine Schaible had a child die in 2009 because they refused to give the child medical attention because it's against their religion. They put their faith into faith healing. The child died. Last week, they lost another child they were trying to cure with faith. "They always seemed so faithful," says fellow church member Jackie Lawson, "but now we just don't know if they have the faith."

Utah man keeps McDonald's hamburger for 14 years. Also kept his virginity for 54 years.

Mark Sanford debates Nancy Pelosi while she stands behind a cardboard cutout of herself. Pelosi explains:

Sanford lost

I just wasn't feeling good about myself when I woke up. My hair was bad and I didn't want to put on makeup. I forgot to pack my good debating clothes as well. I have this cardboard cutout of myself that I take with me everywhere. It's a picture of me when I was looking good. I've probably never looked better. So we used that. I'm considering using the cutout for all my public appearances now. I just look so damn good. We'll have to make a few changes though. We need a stand for the cutout. I had to hold the thing up the whole time and my arms got tired. We should also put the microphone behind the cutout with me. Nobody could hear me. 

Sunil Tripathi can't catch a break. Tripathi was one of the many that Reddit uses misidentified as one of the Boston Marathon bombers. Newspapers across the country are now referring to him as a Brown student. The guy keeps getting racially profiled. Why can't he just be a normal student? Police also say they have found a body in a river that is likely Tripathi.

After a more than two year delay, new $100 bill will be released. The bill was scheduled to debut in February of 2011. Production flaws forced a delay of the bill's release. The bill is now set to debut in October, more than two years after the initial target date. "About time," says currency counterfeiter Charles Smith. "I've had these new counterfeit $100 bills just laying around for a year and half. I couldn't do anything with them though, because the stupid Government couldn't figure out how to make them. Come October, I'm going to be rich." 

Team she coached won a championship

Boys at Utah high school wonder what's wrong with them. Courtney Jarrell, 22, was a math teacher and girls basketball coach at Riverton High School. She has resigned after being charged with raping one of her student's. The student she is accused of raping is female. The boys of Riverton High School have been walking around the halls of school for the last week with a look of rejection. 

Rhode Island likely to become tenth state to allow gay marriage. Prompting millions of Americans to remember that Rhode Island is a state. 

People Magazine names Gwyneth Paltrow 'World's Most Beautiful Woman.' When asked how they made the selection, People Magazine writer Charles Smith explained:

We were lazy. Paltrow has been on the list before, but never number one. We started with her this year. We were trying to decide where to put her, when we all decided we didn't want to bother with the list this year. Even though we could easily find several more beautiful woman than Paltrow, we didn't want to look, so we just gave her the top spot. She was good enough. All the other spots are just blank pages and readers can put in pictures of them, their friends, or celebrities if they want. Except number 77. That went to Sally in accounting. That bitch is bangin.

Time capsule dug up. 

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Fifty years later, woman tracks down lifeguard who saved her life. Eady Rothstein was only five when Larry Brickman saved her from drowning. Being only five at the time, Rothstein was very grateful to Brickman for saving her life. Had she known how her life would turn out, she wouldn't have been so elated. "I wish he had just let me drown," says Rothstein. "Life has just been so hard."

Beaver

Man takes killer picture of beaver. It had always been Sergei's dying wish to get a sweet picture of a beaver. He got his chance on Monday. He got his sweet picture. Sadly, the beaver bit him in the thigh, severing the femoral artery. Sergei died doing what he loved.

Woman holding beer too high.

Woman gets back at cheating husband by putting on some weight, a pink shirt, writing a sign, texting while holding a beer at an awkward height, going to Wrestlemania and sitting on some makeshift bleachers. She's back on the market, fellas.

FBI does a good job. FBI agents are patting themselves on the back for a job well done. "I thought it would be harder to get the guy, but we got him relatively easy," said agent David Wiegand. The man he is referring to is a 39-year-old man accused of molesting a female passenger on an American Airlines flight. FBI agents were able to nab the man as he walked off the plane. There was no year-long pursuit that they had planned for.

Poll finds that 53% percent of Americans are in favor of gay marriage. The poll was conducted by NBC News and the Wall Street Journal. A Fox News poll found that 53% of Americans are now gay.

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