Marty and The News: Special Report

When NBA player Jason Collins came out as gay Monday morning, everyone assumed that his twin brother was already aware of the Jason's sexual orientation. Jarron was not.

Jason and Jarron have been twins their entire lives. They were even born on the same day. Until they both reached the NBA in 2001, they had always played on the same basketball team. Always rooming together at home and on road trips. They were roommates during their playing days at Stanford. The Collins twins have always been close, but Jason had been keeping a secret from not only the world, but his brother Jarron as well.

"I'm really happy for Jason," says Jarron. "I'm glad he can finally be true to himself. I just wish he felt he could have told me. It hurts a little bit."

"I can see why maybe he felt he couldn't tell me," says Jarron. "I was always trying to get him to hook up with chicks. Especially back at Stanford. I was always bringing back chicks and bedding them. I'd always have my ladies bring their friends over for Jason. Looking back, I guess I should have known something was up. The only thing my brother ever did with the ladies was bake stuff. Cookies, cakes, pies, muffins... He even made a soufflé once. The stuff was so damn good that I never asked him why he only baked stuff with the ladies I brought over for him. Maybe baking was a very sensual experience for him."

"The biggest clue should have come the day I got married. Jason was my best man, of course. Right before the wedding I told him that it was his turn to get married next. Then I'll get divorced and it would be my turn again. We both laughed and he told me he couldn't get married. It's illegal. I just assumed Jason was a player and wanted to marry more than one woman.  Now, I get it. And honey, I was just joking about that divorce thing."

"We still haven't talked about it. We've talked on the phone four times since the article came out. Neither of us has brought it up. I guess we don't really need to. It doesn't change anything between us. He's still my brother. Maybe I should stop trying so hard to set him up with Brenda, but other than that, nothing has to change."

Marty and The News

News go here.

Didn't have time to buy new sweater

Amanda Bynes gets a haircut. Millions of other Americans also get their haircut, but they didn't tweet about it. Bynes wins by default.

Evan Rachel Wood talks about being bisexual. "I wanted to wait ... to have enough years under my belt where people knew that it wasn't a phase or anything and I wasn't doing it for attention." Wood later clarified her comment by saying she meant to say people, not years.

Eleven hurt in bus, train crash. Injuries include Down Syndrome, Severe Autism, Cerebral Palsy and being elderly. Reports are coming in that the injuries were not caused by the crash.

FBI informant says Taliban members are living in America. He then claimed that along with Taliban, there are Jews, Blacks, Gays, Asians, Mexicans, Hindus, Germans and many other people.

Oklahoma prison guard has lived with shame of letting prisoners escape for 14 years. March 11, 1999, eight prisoners overpowered prison guard Charles Smith and escaped, but for Smith, it seems like it was just yesterday. "It was scary," says Smith. "The barbeque fork they had was just so large. I thought my life was going to end right then." Other prison guards say the fork was just a regular sized fork. "Smith was just being a pussy," says one guard. Seven of the prisoners who escaped were found shortly after their escape. One, David Lee Kemp, was never captured. Smith says he has lived in fear because of it. "I have dreams of him stabbing me with a fork," says Smith. He can breathe a little easier now that Kemp turned himself in Friday morning. "I'd just done everything I wanted to do," says Kemp. "I was ready to go back to jail for over a year. I've been sending police clues, but they weren't figuring them out, so I just went to the jail myself."

Man doesn't notice his lady friend has been dead for over six months. "I just thought she was really tired," says Dennis McCauley. "God knows I've wanted to sit on the couch for six months straight before. I started getting worried last month, when I noticed that she hadn't eaten anything for five months, but I didn't want to bother her."

Dogs calm people. That's great, but you still shouldn't get to fly with your dog.


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Christoper Reeves still has most ironic Superman photo

The Rock takes ironic Superman photo. Wrestling fans say it's just another stunt. Dwayne Johnson, aka The Rock, claims he injured himself at Wrestlemania while wrestling John Cena. Because of his injuries, he didn't report to Monday Night Raw the following night. Wrestling fans were outraged. They all assumed he faked the injury so he wouldn't have to make another wrestling appearance. Probably embarrassed from his loss to Cena. But as word started to leak of The Rock's hernia surgery, that took place Tuesday, wrestling fans started to believe the star really was injured. That was until they saw this photo. "He don't love us," says lifelong wrestling fan Charles Smith. "He just fakin' so he ain't got to show up at Raw. Now he continuing the injury excuse to take an ironic picture of him in a Superman shirt. The Rock a punk now."

Church friends question couple's faith after a second child dies. Herbert and Catherine Schaible had a child die in 2009 because they refused to give the child medical attention because it's against their religion. They put their faith into faith healing. The child died. Last week, they lost another child they were trying to cure with faith. "They always seemed so faithful," says fellow church member Jackie Lawson, "but now we just don't know if they have the faith."

Utah man keeps McDonald's hamburger for 14 years. Also kept his virginity for 54 years.

Mark Sanford debates Nancy Pelosi while she stands behind a cardboard cutout of herself. Pelosi explains:

Sanford lost

I just wasn't feeling good about myself when I woke up. My hair was bad and I didn't want to put on makeup. I forgot to pack my good debating clothes as well. I have this cardboard cutout of myself that I take with me everywhere. It's a picture of me when I was looking good. I've probably never looked better. So we used that. I'm considering using the cutout for all my public appearances now. I just look so damn good. We'll have to make a few changes though. We need a stand for the cutout. I had to hold the thing up the whole time and my arms got tired. We should also put the microphone behind the cutout with me. Nobody could hear me. 

Sunil Tripathi can't catch a break. Tripathi was one of the many that Reddit uses misidentified as one of the Boston Marathon bombers. Newspapers across the country are now referring to him as a Brown student. The guy keeps getting racially profiled. Why can't he just be a normal student? Police also say they have found a body in a river that is likely Tripathi.

After a more than two year delay, new $100 bill will be released. The bill was scheduled to debut in February of 2011. Production flaws forced a delay of the bill's release. The bill is now set to debut in October, more than two years after the initial target date. "About time," says currency counterfeiter Charles Smith. "I've had these new counterfeit $100 bills just laying around for a year and half. I couldn't do anything with them though, because the stupid Government couldn't figure out how to make them. Come October, I'm going to be rich." 

Team she coached won a championship

Boys at Utah high school wonder what's wrong with them. Courtney Jarrell, 22, was a math teacher and girls basketball coach at Riverton High School. She has resigned after being charged with raping one of her student's. The student she is accused of raping is female. The boys of Riverton High School have been walking around the halls of school for the last week with a look of rejection. 

Rhode Island likely to become tenth state to allow gay marriage. Prompting millions of Americans to remember that Rhode Island is a state. 

People Magazine names Gwyneth Paltrow 'World's Most Beautiful Woman.' When asked how they made the selection, People Magazine writer Charles Smith explained:

We were lazy. Paltrow has been on the list before, but never number one. We started with her this year. We were trying to decide where to put her, when we all decided we didn't want to bother with the list this year. Even though we could easily find several more beautiful woman than Paltrow, we didn't want to look, so we just gave her the top spot. She was good enough. All the other spots are just blank pages and readers can put in pictures of them, their friends, or celebrities if they want. Except number 77. That went to Sally in accounting. That bitch is bangin.

Time capsule dug up. 

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Marty and The News

News here. It's not good. Come back in a few days, it will be better.

Fifty years later, woman tracks down lifeguard who saved her life. Eady Rothstein was only five when Larry Brickman saved her from drowning. Being only five at the time, Rothstein was very grateful to Brickman for saving her life. Had she known how her life would turn out, she wouldn't have been so elated. "I wish he had just let me drown," says Rothstein. "Life has just been so hard."

Beaver

Man takes killer picture of beaver. It had always been Sergei's dying wish to get a sweet picture of a beaver. He got his chance on Monday. He got his sweet picture. Sadly, the beaver bit him in the thigh, severing the femoral artery. Sergei died doing what he loved.

Woman holding beer too high.

Woman gets back at cheating husband by putting on some weight, a pink shirt, writing a sign, texting while holding a beer at an awkward height, going to Wrestlemania and sitting on some makeshift bleachers. She's back on the market, fellas.

FBI does a good job. FBI agents are patting themselves on the back for a job well done. "I thought it would be harder to get the guy, but we got him relatively easy," said agent David Wiegand. The man he is referring to is a 39-year-old man accused of molesting a female passenger on an American Airlines flight. FBI agents were able to nab the man as he walked off the plane. There was no year-long pursuit that they had planned for.

Poll finds that 53% percent of Americans are in favor of gay marriage. The poll was conducted by NBC News and the Wall Street Journal. A Fox News poll found that 53% of Americans are now gay.

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Marty and The News

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Some guys says minimum wage should be $21.72. Charles Smith of Hays, Kansas has released a statement on what he believes minimum wage should be. Experts have looked at Smith's proposal and at first glance, concluded that the $21.72 appears to be an arbitrary number. After closer examination of Smith's expenses, it has been determined that the $21.72 number was reached because that would be the amount Smith would have to make to lead a comfortable life. He would be able to pay his mortgage every month, child support, his monthly bills and still have enough left over to go to the bar every night and a movie once a week. Experts are still trying to determine who Charles Smith is.

He won't be running in jail

Olympic hero will have to roll around in jail. Oscar Pistorius, of double-amputee-running-around-a-track fame, has been charged with the murder of his girlfriend. Despite winning nothing in the Olympics, Pistorius was heralded as a hero and on TV all the time for making it to the Olympics. The odds were stacked against him to make the Olympics. He has perfectly engineered prosthetic legs that allow him to run with perfect form. Most experts agree that the prosthetics legs give him an unfair advantage and allow him to run faster than he would with people legs. Despite the heavy odds, Pistorius still made it to the Olympics. If found guilty, Pistorius won't be able to wear the prosthetics in jail. Instead he will have to roll around.

Warren Buffett mistakingly buys entire Heinz company, only wanted one bottle. Buffett was on a conference call with his investment partners when his maid came into the room. She wanted to make sure she had all the correct items on the list for Buffett's barbecue next week. Buffett checked over the list and nodded approvingly. As she was on her way out of the room, Buffett called out to her, forgetting that he was still on the conference call, "buy Heinz." As a result, Buffett and his partners have purchased the entire Heinz company for $23.3 billion. Buffett's maid also purchased a $3 bottle of Heinz ketchup. It's rumored that Buffett will be given a $3 discount on the purchase of the company.

Based on sales, horse meat is not that good. It's been discovered that horses intended to be killed for their meat, have only been selling for $50 to $100 each. The delicious cow, on the other hand, sells at much higher price.

New Chernobyl disaster is worse than 1986 mishap, according to Chernobyl spokesman. Chernobyl is most notably known for the worst nuclear accident in world history. That stigma may now shift to a new disaster. A section of roof at Chernobyl has collapsed due to the weight of the snow. No injuries or deaths occurred as a result of the collapse. Authorities are still calling it the worst disaster in the history of the nuclear power plant.

Cruise ship reminds Americans that Alabama isn't an entirely landlocked state. A Carnival cruise ship will be docking in Mobile, Alabama after suffering a fire to one of it's engines. Many are shocked of the news. "I always thought Alabama was in the middle of the country, nowhere near the ocean," said Charles Smith.

People relax as it's discovered that 9-year-old mom is really 12 or 13. "I was worried about a girl that age raising a child," says Charles Smith. "But now with this discovery I can breathe a sigh of relief. A 12 or 13-year-old child will be able to give her child a normal upbringing."

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Marty and The News

News.

Pope to quit being the Pope at the end of the month. Pope Benedict XVI claims to be stepping down due to health concerns. Critics say this is the Catholic Church trying to prove that the Pope actually does stuff. The Pope has been under fire for hundreds of years. People say that he doesn't do anything. He's just a guy who steps out on a balcony every once and awhile and has his own car. Critics claim this is just the church trying to prove the Pope does have responsibilities. That's why he has to step down due to health issues. He can no longer carry out his responsibilities, due to his poor health. Despite him stepping down, it's still not clear as to whether or not the Pope does anything.


Annual Kumbh Mela stampede in India leaves 37 dead. The Kumbh Mela festival, also known as the Pitcher Festival, is one of the biggest religious festivals in the world. Dozens die every year in the festivals annual stampede. The stampede has been compared to the Running of the Bulls in Spain, except without the bulls. Festival organizers say they may discontinue the stampede for future festivals.

Ellen, lover of boobs.

Ellen looks at Katy Perry's boobs. Everyone forgets that Ellen is a lesbian for a brief moment and freaks out.

Old truck

Woman gets new truck. Other than the fact that it was a vehicle resembling a truck, LAPD shot up a truck that looked nothing like the one they were looking for. Inside the truck, was a mother and daughter who were delivering newspapers. The LAPD has vowed to rectify this situation by giving the women a new truck. Some are saying this is a slippery slope. The LAPD is always just shooting vehicles up and asking questions later. Millions of people in the market for a new vehicle have flocked to LA in hopes of getting a new one.

The White family is suing Disneyland for racial discrimination. Razzi White, a 5-year-old boy, was excited when he saw Donald Duck. It's confusing because the White family is black. Just try to remember that. The young White boy, who is black, started saying Donald Duck's name and opened his arms wide. The black White boy was hoping for a hug from the Disney character. Instead, Donald Duck snubbed White and went to hug a white baby in a stroller. The baby's race was white. He didn't go to hug the youngest child of the White family, who is black. The lawyer of the White family has confirmed that they are suing Disneyland. He claims that Donald Duck didn't hug White because he was black.

Teachers no longer able to do funny things in class. There used to be a time when a teacher could put pencil shavings in a sleeping student's mouth with impunity. That just isn't the case anymore.

Death of very large crocodile is mourned in Philippines. Lolong was the largest saltwater crocodile in captivity. An autopsy is being performed to determine the cause of death. Villagers from all across the country showed up to pay their respects to the large croc. Lolong is responsible for the death of dozens of villagers throughout it's life. None of those deaths were ever mourned to the extent that the crocodile's death was.

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Marty and The News: Special Edition

NFL trying to reach out to a new demographic for Super Bowl XLVII.

It's hard to dispute football being the countries sport of choice. However, there is one group in America that has showed little to no interest in the sport. Pun lovers. "We test well in almost every demographic out there," says NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell. "One area we've always struggled with is with pun lovers. We're ready to try again."

This is the first time the NFL has tried reaching out to the pun community in four years. When the Arizona Cardinals faced the Philadelphia Eagles in 2009 for the NFC Championship, the league tried to bill the game as 'unbirdable'. The pun flopped. Not only with pun lovers, but with people who don't know what a pun is.

HarBowl I

For the first time since the 'unbirdable' tragedy, the NFL is once again making an effort to reach out to pun lovers. The coaches of the San Francisco 49ers and Baltimore Ravens are brothers, Jim and John Harbaugh. "We feel good about this year," says Goodell. "We think this is the year we finally are able to bring in the pun community."

The game is being touted as the HarBowl. Charles Smith, President of the Pun Lovers Community of America, says, "We're listening, but after 2009, we're cautious."

When asked whether or not he thinks it will be difficult to retain the pun lovers after this year's HarBowl, Goodell said 'without a doubt.'

"We can't expect this great community to stick around after just one great pun, no matter how good it is," says Goodell. "The best case scenario would be for these two teams to face off again in the Super Bowl next year. We could retain pun lovers by calling it the HarBowl II. We're also slowly losing the Roman Numeral lovers demographic. There are just too many Roman Numerals after Super Bowl now. It's too hard for people to keep track. Even for Roman Numeral lovers. No one actually knows what number we are on. I think we are somewhere between 30 and 60. It would be nice to be able to start over with the Roman Numerals and call it HarBowl II next year. Hopefully there are more Harbaugh brothers that coach, or they have kids that coach. Something. Our pun team just isn't very good. I don't think they can ever come up with a pun of this caliber again. This one kind of fell in their lap, and sadly, wasn't their first choice. They actually wanted to go with Bowl of Brothers. I'm extremely worried about losing the pun demographic for good after this year."