Marty and The News

News.

Pope to quit being the Pope at the end of the month. Pope Benedict XVI claims to be stepping down due to health concerns. Critics say this is the Catholic Church trying to prove that the Pope actually does stuff. The Pope has been under fire for hundreds of years. People say that he doesn't do anything. He's just a guy who steps out on a balcony every once and awhile and has his own car. Critics claim this is just the church trying to prove the Pope does have responsibilities. That's why he has to step down due to health issues. He can no longer carry out his responsibilities, due to his poor health. Despite him stepping down, it's still not clear as to whether or not the Pope does anything.


Annual Kumbh Mela stampede in India leaves 37 dead. The Kumbh Mela festival, also known as the Pitcher Festival, is one of the biggest religious festivals in the world. Dozens die every year in the festivals annual stampede. The stampede has been compared to the Running of the Bulls in Spain, except without the bulls. Festival organizers say they may discontinue the stampede for future festivals.

Ellen, lover of boobs.

Ellen looks at Katy Perry's boobs. Everyone forgets that Ellen is a lesbian for a brief moment and freaks out.

Old truck

Woman gets new truck. Other than the fact that it was a vehicle resembling a truck, LAPD shot up a truck that looked nothing like the one they were looking for. Inside the truck, was a mother and daughter who were delivering newspapers. The LAPD has vowed to rectify this situation by giving the women a new truck. Some are saying this is a slippery slope. The LAPD is always just shooting vehicles up and asking questions later. Millions of people in the market for a new vehicle have flocked to LA in hopes of getting a new one.

The White family is suing Disneyland for racial discrimination. Razzi White, a 5-year-old boy, was excited when he saw Donald Duck. It's confusing because the White family is black. Just try to remember that. The young White boy, who is black, started saying Donald Duck's name and opened his arms wide. The black White boy was hoping for a hug from the Disney character. Instead, Donald Duck snubbed White and went to hug a white baby in a stroller. The baby's race was white. He didn't go to hug the youngest child of the White family, who is black. The lawyer of the White family has confirmed that they are suing Disneyland. He claims that Donald Duck didn't hug White because he was black.

Teachers no longer able to do funny things in class. There used to be a time when a teacher could put pencil shavings in a sleeping student's mouth with impunity. That just isn't the case anymore.

Death of very large crocodile is mourned in Philippines. Lolong was the largest saltwater crocodile in captivity. An autopsy is being performed to determine the cause of death. Villagers from all across the country showed up to pay their respects to the large croc. Lolong is responsible for the death of dozens of villagers throughout it's life. None of those deaths were ever mourned to the extent that the crocodile's death was.

That's it. That's the news.

Marty and The News

News. It's a dying medium. It's struggling to happen at the same rate that it used to. One man is here to try and revive it. That man is me.

What failure looks like

Girl in India tries to break human hairball record. "When I heard about that kid in Chicago who had that hairball removed," says Maharaja Yeshwantrao, "I was all like I can beat that." Yeshwantrao didn't beat it. She didn't even come close. "Four pounds is all I could do. I had trouble eating and drinking at that point. He got 10 pounds. My hat is off to him." It should be noted that Yeshwantrao can't afford a hat.

 

Female doctor in Kentucky proves that females know nothing about the male penis. Michael Nash, 61, went to the hospital to get a simple penile implant and a circumcision. He left with frostbite on his penis. The frostbite led to gangrene. Which led to a five inch section of Nash's penis to be removed. Nash claims the frostbite occurred when a female doctor applied ice to his groin for "too damn long." When asked which section of his penis they removed, Nash said, "The middle section." When pushed as to why he was getting the penile implant and circumcision, Nash left the room.

Elephant assisted drunkenness

Man blames his DUI arrest on elephant. When Samuel Phipps was arrested for his 7th DUI, he had a good reason this time. It was the elephant's fault. "I only wanted to have on drink," Phipps said. "I had to drive home. But Larry, this elephant from the zoo, wouldn't let me leave. Every time I'd get up from the bar, Larry would go crazy until I sat back down at the bar. One time he grabbed me with his trunk and lifted me high up in the air. He forced me to drink alcohol from his trunk as well. He'd dip his trunk in the beer, then put his trunk in my mouth." Phipps doesn't have insurance.

Hoarder finds new way to get rid of clutter in his home. An intervention had been held and the man, who lives with his mom, was ready to start getting rid of the many items inside his house. A large dumpster was already set up outside the house and social workers were on their way to help remove items. That's when the man devised a better way to get rid of all the things he had accumulated throughout the years. Burn the house down. Unfortunately, the man became trapped inside the house by his belongings after setting the fire. His mother was able to escape the house after receiving sever burns on her body. One firefighter on the scene was heard saying, "he really should have started the fire from outside the house."

Number of births in the United States falls again. That makes it four years in a row. "Someone out there is lying," says Doctor Robert Jones of the Mayo Clinic. "Based on our numbers, people have been having sex at record rates recently. Birth control has been on the decline though. The low number of births we are seeing just doesn't add up. So either people are covering up births, or people like Chuck from accounting are lying about how much sex they are having." Chuck declined to comment.

That's it. That's the news.