Marty and The News

Like a real American, news took some time off for Christmas. Now it's back. I'm also back to report on it.

Some guy says we are crippling our future. Despite never being in a movie, TV show, band, or sports team, Paul Krugman had the following to say about the economy: "we are crippling our future as well as our present by failing to do what is needed to deal with the short run." Krugman's only credential is that he is a Nobel Prize-winning economist.

Shut up Paul

Big Coffee pays for study. A new study shows that soda drinking can be a factor in depression. The same study also shows a link between drinking coffee and lowering depression. Big Soda is rumored to be working on a study of their own that would link coffee drinking to AIDs.

Woman tries to kill husband, so that her and her son can further their 'unnatural relationship.' It's cool though, because her son is adopted. The mother and son can frequently be seen at a local night club playing grab ass. Looks like the only place she'll being playing ass grab at anymore, is at the big house night club (prison).

Husband supports his wife who is accused of having sex with a student. The husband of the teacher says it is all a misunderstanding. She 'is too overcaring,' he said. Which may be true. The student she is accused of sleeping with, was ridiculed just 2 days earlier for being a virgin. 

Keith Ratliff, avid gun enthusiast, dies doing what he loved. Ratliff is the producer of a popular YouTube channel about guns. He once tweeted, "I went to the movies with my pistol in my pocket the whole time I was praying that somebody would try to pull a Batman!" Ratliff was found dead in his home with a single gun shot to the head. The incident is believed to be a homicide. Multiple guns were found at the scene.

Ned Wertimer, white

White guy from 'The Jeffersons' dies. 

After plans fall through, man goes to work. The Pennsylvania man had planned on being dead and thought he wouldn't have to go to work. Despite his best efforts, the man just couldn't die. The man first tried jumping out of the car while traveling down the interstate. The suicide attempt was unsuccessful. Thirty minutes later, the man jumped in front of a semi truck  He lost his shoes, but not his life. Defeated, the man collected his shoes and walked to work.  

That's it. That's the news.  

Marty and The News

News.

Jerry Sandusky, of sex with teen boys fame, sentenced. Only gets 30-60 years. He also released this stupid statement via Penn State radio. In the statement, he says he's only had a sexual relationship with his wife. Meaning he was just using these boys for sex. There was no relationship.

I was the first to report that the Nobel Awards would be given out yesterday. It turns out they were. At least some of them were. Yesterday's winners had a hard time acting excited, or like they cared at all when they won. Turns out they drag these things on until the 15th of October. Cries of "I just want to leave," can be heard all over Stockholm, where the awards are given. Today's winner said of his award, "I don't even want this thing."

Not a very good Hitler

Greece decides it's been long enough since Holocaust, starts Hitler look-a-like contest. "We just feel like it's been long enough since the Holocaust," says contest organizer. "The Holocaust was over 60 years ago. People barely remember it. The wounds have certainly healed. My only regret about the contest is the we only had one entry this year. He didn't even really look like Hitler. One of his henchmen was wearing a gas mask. Not very Hitleresque. We had to  declare him the winner though. He was the only one. Hopefully we get more next year. It's not going to be hard to beat the current Hitler look-a-like champ."

Taken too soon

Local newspapers shocked to find out the winner of a roach eating contest has a criminal record. The contest was held by a local pet store. Contestants were competing for a free python. Dozens of reporters were on hand to cover the event. Not one of them took a picture of the winner. No one could run the story without a picture of the winner. Readers would want a picture of the champ. One guy suggested that they could check criminal records on the off chance that the winner has a mugshot somewhere. "Yeah right," the other reporters laughed. "This guy wouldn't have a criminal record." Everyone, even the guy who suggested it, was shocked to find out that he in fact does have a criminal record. He also died shortly after consuming the roaches. The pet store is going to name the python in his memory. "His name will live on," says the owner.

Dumbasses on and Facebook react to teacher getting punched in the face (video). Thousands of posters, such as John Conroy from Pittsburgh, chimed in saying that if this teacher had a gun, things would have turned out differently. Those people clearly didn't watch the video. A gun would have done nothing for the teacher. Other's claimed a gun would have. Saying that since the boys he was walking by were black, he should have had the gun out pointing it at them as he walked by.

Taliban teaches people to stop being advocates of educating girls and to stop snitchin. Malala Youfsafzai has been the target of the Taliban for speaking out against atrocities of the Taliban, especially against women. A Taliban gunman got onto a bus that Youfsafzai was on and asked which one of them was Malala. One woman pointed out Malala. The gunman shot Youfsafzai twice, then said, "stop advocatin.". The gunman then shot the finger-pointer once while saying, "stop snitchin." The Taliban has fired the gunman for not being able to kill either one.

Girl killed for making fun of fart.

That's it. That's the news.

Marty and The News

Like most Americans, the news took the weekend off. It's back at full force. It can be overwhelming. That's why I'm here.

Former political prisoner sets himself on fire. The man with a funny name was once a victim of the former communist regime in Albania. He set himself on fire to prove that people like him need their compensation faster than they are currently receiving it. Albanian officials responded by saying, "This whole setting yourself on fire thing is kind of played out. It was novel the first time someone did it. He's going to have to try something different if he wants our attention."

Jay-Z rides the subway, proving that stars are just like us. There are conflicting reports as to whether or not he took the N train or the R train from Canal Street to Atlantic. If he took the R, it just proves that Jay-Z isn't in touch with the common folk anymore. He'd have to make like eight stops taking the R. The N would only mean one stop. Meanwhile, the Q would actually drop him off slightly closer to the Barclays Center, where he was performing at, but that would also mean two stops.  Either way, he's just like us.

Fat guy

Police claim that Victor Espinoza is a gang member. Gang denies Espinoza's membership. Police have requested that we not use the name of the gang in this story. The gang used to be called the Los Angeles Riders. In reference to the Raiders, a NFL team that used to play in LA. Upon the team's departure form LA, the Riders determined it was not necessary to change their name. The leader of the Riders gang does not deny that Espinoza was, at one time, a member of the gang. "He was a member," says the gang leader. "He's just put on a lot of weight since joining the gang in '82. He used to be a svelte 193. Now he's a grotesque 425. We tried to get him some help. We got him gym memberships, Jenny Craig, Slim Fast, Nutrisystem and we even almost got him that thing where they staple your stomach to make it smaller. Nothing worked. Other gangs were mocking us. There were rumors going around that the thing on his neck is a tumor. We just couldn't have an object of ridicule in our gang. We let him go. He's actually the first gang member in history to be fired from a gang by not being killed. But now that he tried to kidnap that boy, bringing more shame to our gang, because of his former association, we're probably going to kill him. Don't print that."

Jordan Van Der Sloot, of Natalee Holloway fame and killing some other girl who wasn't white, has super semen. Van Der Sloot claims a female from Lima, where he is imprisoned, has become pregnant from some semen he sent to her in the mail.

Everyone around that world was awakened today with feelings of anxiousness, excitement and anticipation. The reason? The Nobel Prize winners are announced today. They may have already been announced. There is no way of knowing for sure.

Anonymous person sits in a wheelchair

Amusement parks say to airports "you're just finding this out now?" Places like Disneyland and Six Flags have know this for years, but airports are discovering that some passengers in wheel chair don't actually need the wheelchair. The are just gaming the system to skip security lines and boarding lines.





The best part about the Internet, is that you no longer have to watch the whole boring NASCAR race to see sweet crashes. Now if we could just get people to make these videos shorter. Skip ahead to 1:30 to see a sweet crash from yesterday's race.

Teen has stomach removed due to potent cocktail. Doctor who removed the stomach is very excited. "This is going to be awesome," says Doctor Todd Rashi. "I've never seen something like this before. I don't know what's going to happen when she eats now. This is the best thing I've done."

So sad

The world stops spinning for a record 47 seconds when news hits of a Danny Devito and Rhea Perlman break up. The previous record was set a month ago when Amy Poehler and Will Arnett broke up. The world stopped spinning for 26 seconds at that time.

Mom beats her 2-year-old daughter so badly that the toddler was in coma for two days, but is unable to make it in the news until she glues her daughters hands to the wall.

This is why you don't have two separate wedding parties in one hotel at the same time. The police are going to tase a guy and one guy is going to die. There is some sweet video of the brawl if you click on the link.

Another search is planned for a missing girl in Colorado. Jessica Rideway, 10, went missing on Friday and already, there have been about six different searches for her. Meanwhile, parents of missing kids, who aren't white, sit and wait for just one search to be conducted to find their children.

Soda consumers have one mure nutrition label to ignore. Nutrition facts have been printed on cans and bottles of sodas for a long time. Consumers have been ignoring those labels for just as long. Now soda consumers will also have to ignore the nutrition labels that are going to be put on vending machines.

I don't know why people are surprised every time something like this happens on QVC. Woman faints while selling product, QVC powers through like nothing happened. This isn't news. QVC does this all the time. A guy once fell of a ladder and they acted like it didn't happen.

That's it. That's the news.