Marty and The News

News, here it is.

Rebel leaders in Syria show that they aren't that serious about fighting. They now want to take a four-day holiday. They say the Syrian government has agreed to the ceasefire, but it appears as if the government has other ideas. "Of course we agreed to the ceasefire," said a Syrian government guy. "Doesn't mean we are going to do it. This is a war. You don't get no holidays during war." Syrian government guy went on to say that rebel leaders could 'suck his dick.' It's not clear as to what he meant by that.

Navy to start putting lasers on ships in the coming years. In an attempt to boost recruitment numbers and overall excitement about the Navy, a top Naval officer has released information that shows lasers will be used on ships by the year 2016. Other Navy officers have confirmed the use of lasers on ships. Also adding that they are just going to tape some laser pointers to the front of a couple of ships.

The Mac's are expert Facebook users, despite not having accounts.

Parents who claim they don't want or need Facebook accounts, get on their daughter's account a lot. Ashley Mac says their Facebook use started out as a punishment. "When I'd get in trouble, they'd take my phone away," says Ashley. "They started taking pictures and posting them to my Facebook and changing my status." The punishment worked, too well. Ashley stopped getting in trouble, but her parents had become addicted to Facebook. "They have started coming up with stupid reasons to take my phone. One day I woke up an hour earlier than normal and my mom was like, 'what are you doing up early? You're not supposed to be awake yet. Give me your phone. I'll give it back to you in an hour, when you are supposed to wake up.' She then posted a picture of herself sitting on the couch with the caption, 'waiting to take Ashley to her soccer game.' One time I woke up in the middle of the night and my dad was sitting on the floor with my phone just reading through my friend's status updates. I now have a few friends that I'm pretty sure are guys my dad works with. My dad is always corresponding with them through my account.  They need to just get their own accounts."

James Cameron, is doing some stuff.

Former baseball player unsuccessfully tries to find Field of Dreams. Carlton Fisk was found sitting in is pickup truck in a cornfield crying. The former Boston Red Sox catcher says he was searching for the real field of dreams. This is the fourth time in a year that Fisk has been found in a cornfield. Baseball pundits point out the he clearly didn't watch the movie very closely. You have to be dead to be on the team. They also agree that Fisk is nowhere good enough to make the team.

Sadly there is no entry for 'Who Got Shot In The Face Today?' However, we do have a former reality star getting her head run over by a truck.

Most had forgotten about her lack of breasts

Christina Applegate misses her breasts.

Black woman casts black mark on KKK by claiming they set her on fire. All evidence points to the woman setting herself on fire. Police also believe she wrote the racial slur on her car window. "It's sad that this happend," said police. "The KKK was doing a pretty good job of making themselves look racist. But this attack against them has actually made our community feel sympathetic for them, black and white alike."

Legendary women's basketball coach wants the rims lowered. University of Connecticut women's basketball coach, Geno Auriemma, may be the greatest women's coach of all time, but that isn't stopping him from saying some of the rules in the women's game need to be changed. The seven time national champion and six time Naismith Coach of the Year winner, is calling for the rims to be lowered. Friends of Auriemma say that isn't the only rule change he wants implemented. They say Auriemma also wants stoves installed at the free-throw line, yarn and knitting supplies at half-court, and he doesn't want any more ball boys. He believes the players should have to mop the court themselves during timeouts.

That's it. That's the news.

Marty and The News

News.

Jerry Sandusky, of sex with teen boys fame, sentenced. Only gets 30-60 years. He also released this stupid statement via Penn State radio. In the statement, he says he's only had a sexual relationship with his wife. Meaning he was just using these boys for sex. There was no relationship.

I was the first to report that the Nobel Awards would be given out yesterday. It turns out they were. At least some of them were. Yesterday's winners had a hard time acting excited, or like they cared at all when they won. Turns out they drag these things on until the 15th of October. Cries of "I just want to leave," can be heard all over Stockholm, where the awards are given. Today's winner said of his award, "I don't even want this thing."

Not a very good Hitler

Greece decides it's been long enough since Holocaust, starts Hitler look-a-like contest. "We just feel like it's been long enough since the Holocaust," says contest organizer. "The Holocaust was over 60 years ago. People barely remember it. The wounds have certainly healed. My only regret about the contest is the we only had one entry this year. He didn't even really look like Hitler. One of his henchmen was wearing a gas mask. Not very Hitleresque. We had to  declare him the winner though. He was the only one. Hopefully we get more next year. It's not going to be hard to beat the current Hitler look-a-like champ."

Taken too soon

Local newspapers shocked to find out the winner of a roach eating contest has a criminal record. The contest was held by a local pet store. Contestants were competing for a free python. Dozens of reporters were on hand to cover the event. Not one of them took a picture of the winner. No one could run the story without a picture of the winner. Readers would want a picture of the champ. One guy suggested that they could check criminal records on the off chance that the winner has a mugshot somewhere. "Yeah right," the other reporters laughed. "This guy wouldn't have a criminal record." Everyone, even the guy who suggested it, was shocked to find out that he in fact does have a criminal record. He also died shortly after consuming the roaches. The pet store is going to name the python in his memory. "His name will live on," says the owner.

Dumbasses on and Facebook react to teacher getting punched in the face (video). Thousands of posters, such as John Conroy from Pittsburgh, chimed in saying that if this teacher had a gun, things would have turned out differently. Those people clearly didn't watch the video. A gun would have done nothing for the teacher. Other's claimed a gun would have. Saying that since the boys he was walking by were black, he should have had the gun out pointing it at them as he walked by.

Taliban teaches people to stop being advocates of educating girls and to stop snitchin. Malala Youfsafzai has been the target of the Taliban for speaking out against atrocities of the Taliban, especially against women. A Taliban gunman got onto a bus that Youfsafzai was on and asked which one of them was Malala. One woman pointed out Malala. The gunman shot Youfsafzai twice, then said, "stop advocatin.". The gunman then shot the finger-pointer once while saying, "stop snitchin." The Taliban has fired the gunman for not being able to kill either one.

Girl killed for making fun of fart.

That's it. That's the news.