Marty and The News

Some news.

UCLA student's Asian girlfriend cheats on him with 'Honkie white-boy'. Authorities at UCLA still haven't found who is responsible for the signs posted around campus, but an Asian co-ed has told campus police that she believes her ex-boyfriend is responsible for the sexist/racist signs that have been found around campus. So far, two signs have been found. The first one read, "Asian women R Honkie white-boy worshipping Whores." A few days later this was found, "Asian Women are White-Boy Worshipping Sluts". Susan Wui told campus police on Thursday that she thinks it is her ex-boyfriend that is responsible. Last week she cheated on him with Mark Lee. UCLA authorities say there may be nothing then can do if it is Wui's ex that is posting the signs because the signs appear to be true in this case. "Mark Lee is one of the whitest guys on campus," said the UCLA Chancellor.

Either way, it's old

Grand Canyon may have been formed 70 million years ago, says new study. Before the study, it was widely believed that the canyon was formed 6 million years ago. Both studies involved looking at rocks to find the age of the canyon. Geologists say the new finding is significant, because if it were formed 70 million years ago, it would mean that dinosaurs also took in the majestic beauty of the canyon, just as we do today. Although, the dinosaurs likely wouldn't have had the skywalk to view the canyon from, like we do toady. Some geologists aren't convinced of the new findings. Geologist Karl Karlstrom (wish I had made that name up) from the University of New Mexico says that it is "ludicrous" to believe that the canyon was around in the era of dinosaurs. He then went on to say that dinosaurs never existed.

Congress returns to doing what they do best, making a new $1 coin. This time is different. They are doing so in an attempt to get ride of paper $1 bills. Which I'm pretty sure was one of the ideas behind every attempt to make a $1 coin. Except the Sacajawea coin. That was done to show Disney appreciation for making a great movie.  

Fast food workers in New York City demand higher wages. Many fast food workers only make $7.25 an hour. Most fast food executives were ready to listen to the workers and work with them on getting higher wages. Then they found out the workers were asking to make $15 an hour. We've been able to reach any of the fast food executives for a comment, because they are still laughing. 

Prostitutes in Zurich, Switzerland now have to have sex in boxes. Zurich is installing drive-up sex boxes to make it easier for prostitues to conduct their business. To use the boxes, prostitutes must be insured, have a prostitute license and clock in when beginning work. 

NBA Commissioner David Stern is upset with San Antonio Spurs coach Greg Popovich. Popovich sent home four players last night because they are too old and needed to rest. He sent home four of the teams best players, Tim Duncan, Tony Parker, Manu Ginobili and Danny Green. David Stern has said the team will be penalized for their actions and apologized to fans. The commissioner of my fantasy basketball league could take some lessons from Stern. The Shot Blocker Express should be penalized for not starting three of their top players and in doing so, losing the week to Ray's Rim Jobbers. If they had started those players, like they should have, the Rim Jobbers would have lost that week and my team, From Downtown, If You Know What I Mean, would be in first place. It's bullshit.  

That's it. That the News

Marty and The News

News.

Bill O'Reilly finally shuts up everyone who thought he was doing actual news. O'Reilly stopped doing actual news reporting in 1989, when he started working on Inside Edition. People slowly started to realize that his career of doing actual news was over, but some were still believers. When O'Reilly went to Fox News in 1996, he set out to put all the rumors of him doing real news to rest. More people slowly realized he wasn't doing news. By 2010, there were only a handful of believers left. O'Reilly has spent the last two years trying to convince them that he isn't a real news guy. All of his attempts failed. But earlier this week, he found a way. He talked about 'Gangnam Style' and what it meant for 5 minutes. He even brought on an expert. After nearly 25 years, O'Reilly has finally shed the stigma of being a real news guy.

Some are saying she was on That 70's Show

'That 70's Show' star allegedly assaults her 61-year-old husband. Police say her husband also assaulted her. Police are certain the assaults took place. What is under question is whether or not Lisa Robin Kelly was a star on 'That 70's Show', or even on the show at all. Police Chief Michael Roberts had this to say about it. "We have a lot of officers that remember watching that show. A lot say it was their favorite show growing up. Most of them have no idea who she is. There are two guys who say they possibly remember seeing her on an episode or two, but they have no idea what her role was. We've already contacted Ashton Kutcher, Mila Kunis and Wilmer Valderamma. They all had no recollection of her. We're still reaching out to Topher Grace, that tall chick and the other dude."

Disney, Sears, Walmart, Sean Coombs, Mickey Mouse and a bunch of other high profile companies/people are the reason for a fire in Bangladesh.

Teen single handedly sets back 'black people can't swim' stereotype 10 years. Pool surveillance footage shows the teen entering the deep end of the school's pool and then just slipping underwater. There was no splashing or struggling to stay afloat. Friends and classmates then swam around and above him for 17 minutes before someone finally realized he was down there.  The 'black people can't swim' stereotype was set to expire in February of 2015. It has now been adjusted to expire in February of 2025. Which was it's expiration date at the beginning of the year. When US Olympic swimmer Cullen Jones won a gold medal at the Olympics this year, the committee decided to have ten years shaved off. Upon hearing of the teens death, the committee tacked the years back on. Some have appealed the ruling. They note that the teens lack of struggle to stay afloat suggests suicide and not a lack of swimming ability. No word on whether or not the committee will hear the appeals.

Golf looks into banning 'belly putters'. Golf has always been all about trying to ban things, and people, that have a competitive advantage. In 2008, they tried to ban black people in attempt to stop Tiger Woods. But then he ran his car into that tree and that stopped his reign of terror, so they let that one go. It looks like they will see this one through to the end.

Somewhere in New York City, there is the body of a man who died on Monday from gun shots, stab wounds and slash marks saying, "hey assholes..."

That's it. That's the news.