Marty And The News

News here.

Obama will make former Presidents look unchristian like during inauguration. It's customary for the President to put their hand on the bible when taking the oath of office. Obama is bucking that trend this year. He will be putting his hand on not one, but two bibles stacked together. He will be using a bible once owned by Abraham Lincoln and another bible that once belonged to Martin Luther King Jr. Experts argue over which bible will be the top and which will be the bottom. Vegas odds show that Lincoln has a 2:1 advantage on being the bottom.

Man looking at his penis

Prostate cancer may make penis larger. Several men who have undergone prostate cancer treatment have complained that the procedure has made their penis shrink. Most say that it has made their penis a centimeter shorter. Although complaints have been made of shrinkage of up to an inch and a half. Doctor Charles Smith has a possible explanation. "It's entirely possible that prostate cancer makes the penis larger," says Doctor Smith. "None of these men's penises were measured before the procedure. Prostate cancer may be making their penises larger, but they don't notice. They just assume that their penis has always been that size. They only notice the decrease in penis size. Prostate cancer may be the answer to a larger penis that men everywhere have been looking for."

Kate Middleton gets portrait made. Just doing my duty as a newsman and reporting on this.

Junior Seau receives diagnosis eight months too late. Researchers have found that Seau sufferers from a debilitating brain disease. Many believe the disease was caused by thousands of hits to his head during his football career. When Doctor Charles Smith tried to reach Seau with the news, he was unable to get ahold of him. "I need to get him this information quickly," says Doctor Smith. "If this brain damage goes untreated, the results could be catastrophic." Smith is unaware that Seau shot himself in the chest eight months ago.

When it comes to the 2016 Presidential campaign, Paul Ryan has 'decided not to decide' and thousands of news outlets have decided to talk about him deciding nothing.

That Honda Fit fits in the door. Ha!

Man pays for pizza and new front door. Newspaper also thinks it's funny that he drove a Honda Fit through the door.

Man in Australia fails to prove his friends wrong. Friends of Lance Farley were razing him the other day for buying a boat. "You don't know how to drive a boat, dumbass," said one friend. "Don't try to drive it on land!" Exclaimed another, proving that Farley and his friends aren't the funniest people. Farley took his boat out on Thursday in an attempt to show his friends that he could drive his new boat. Video of Lance Farley driving his boat can be see below.

That's it. That's the news.